OPENING CREDITS

Doug comes home with a friend named Mike.

Doug: I got to tell you Mike. That is one beautiful country club.
Mike: Yeah, I'm glad I could take you out, man. I must say, you really love your golf.
Doug: Well, of all the major sports, it's the closest to just sitting down. Seriously, thanks again, man.
Mike: No. Well, thank you for watching our place next week while we're on vacation.
Doug: That's what neighbors are for! Oh, and by the way, in case of emergency, how do I turn on the hot tub?
Mike: There's a dial on the wall. Go to town.
Doug: Sweet. Saw that resort you guys are going to. Sounds pretty awesome.
Mike: What? St. Croix? It's incredible. I'm going to play golf in the morning, lie on the beach in the afternoon, and eat and drink all night.
Doug: Yuspa.

Carrie comes in the kitchen.

Carrie: Oh, hey guys. How was golfing?
Doug: Fantastic. And FYI, if I ever leave you, it'll be for Mike.
Carrie: You're free to leave at any point.

There is a knock on the door.

Doug: Oh, hi Debi.
Debi: Hi! Hey, glad you guys are back.
Mike: What's up?
Debi: Honey, I just got off the phone with Claudia. Craig had to fly to Chicago next week for some case.
Mike: What about our trip?
Debi: They can't go.
Mike: Oh, I can't believe it. The Ostermans were supposed to go with us to St. Croix.
Doug: Oh.
Carrie: Oh, that's too bad.
Debbie: Would you call the hotel and change the reservations? The package we got was for four.
Mike: Oh, right.
Debi: Hey, listen! Would you guys have any interest in coming with us?
Doug: Us?
Debi: Yeah!
Mike: Yeah, sure!
Carrie: Are you sure you're not asking us because we just happen to be standing here and it's awkward?
Debi: No, we would love to have you!
Mike: You should come!
Carrie: Really?
Debi: Yeah!
Carrie: Are you sure?
Debi: Yes!
Doug: What difference does it make? We'll have a great time whether they really want us there or not!
Debi: We do. And anyways, if this guy doesn't have a golf buddy, he's going to drag me along.
Mike: Would you guys be able to get off work?
Carrie: Well, I do have a lot of vacation time built up.
Doug: And my job can be done by a monkey.
Mike: These are the brochures for the resort. They have all the information. Prices, stuff like that. Look them over, and uh, just let us know. It'll be a good time.
Carrie: OK. Well, we'll call you guys later.
Debi: See you.
Carrie: OK. All right. Bye.
Mike: See you.

Mike and Debi leave.

Carrie: This place is beautiful!
Doug: Oh my God. Look how long the buffet is. And there's no mirror at the end. I'm hip to that trick.
Carrie: Uh oh.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Look at the room rates.
Doug: Wow. Maybe that's in St. Croix money. You know, Crixies.
Carrie: Honey, I, I really don't think we can afford this.
Doug: But, come on! We got to go! You remember when Mike and Debbie first moved in? They thought we were freaks! Now we're their first choice when they can't get their real friends! It's the comeback story of the year!
Carrie: I know! And I want to go! It's just that we've never spent this much on a vacation before!
Doug: So? Come on, we deserve it. All right? We work our entire lives at pointless, dead end jobs and we come home to TV and stupid chit chat. Come on, what do you say?
Carrie: Well, you do have me rethinking us. I don't know!
Doug: Come on. Hey, I will let you ride this turtle. Or this cabana boy.
Carrie: All right. You know what? What the hell? Let's do it.
Doug: I love you!

Arthur comes upstairs.

Arthur: Hello, kids.
Carrie: Hey!
Arthur: What you got there?
Carrie: Oh, just some brochures. Actually Dad, it looks like we're going down to the Caribbean next week.
Arthur: We are? Ooh, I'm so excited!
Doug: Well, I hope you're excited for us.
Arthur: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.
Carrie: Dad, we would love to take you, but we're going with another couple, Mike and Debbie from next door.
Arthur: Darling, your swinging lifestyle is really none of my business. Just go on your fancy trip.
Carrie: Oh come on. You'll have fun without us. You can have Spence over, and we'll bring you back something really nice from St. Croix.
Arthur: Oh, you really think I can be bought off with some island trinket? A linen summer suit. Forty-two short. How insulting!!

Carrie is in the kitchen. Doug comes in.

Doug: You almost ready? Taxi's going to be here any second.
Carrie: Yup. I just need to finish labeling these meals for my dad.
Doug: I still think you should have gotten one of those things they have for cats, you know? Where the food falls directly into the bowl when you hit it? I know he could learn that, you know?

Arthur comes upstairs.

Arthur: Kids, sorry to be the killjoy here, but I don't think this is a good time for you to be going away.
Doug: Why not?
Arthur: There's a very nasty odor down in the basement.
Carrie: What kind of odor, Dad?
Arthur: It's quite noxious. I've been feeling lightheaded for several days.
Doug: He's just making it up cause he knows we're going away without him.
Arthur: That's not true!
Doug: You pulled the same thing when we were going to Ocean City!
Arthur: I had sweaty palms and you know it!!
Doug: Come on! There's the taxi!
Carrie: All right, honey, could you just go down and check it out, please?
Doug: Fine. Come on, Arthur!

Doug and Arthur go down to the basement.

Doug: OK. I'm smelling nothing.
Arthur: It's coming from this area. I tried to get the panel off. Then I got woozy, and had to lie down.
Doug: Doesn't smell that bad. What the hell is that?
Arthur: Looks like some type of mold.
Carrie: Hon, what's going on?!
Doug: Uh, just a sec! Look, I got a taxi up there waiting to take me to paradise. Here's how it's going to go down. First, we're going to close this up. Then, we're going to close this up.
Carrie: Everything OK down there?
Doug: Just fine and dandy.
Arthur: It's fine!
Doug: And?
Arthur: I gave you fine, but I draw the line at dandy.

Debi, Mike, Doug, and Carrie are in St. Croix lounging by the pool.

Debi: Oh, this is going so beautiful.
Mike: Yeah, it's like an oil painting.
Carrie: Mm. Sea air smells great, doesn't it, honey?
Doug: Somebody around here has potato chips.
Carrie: Thanks again for lunch, you guys, and for paying for the cabanas.
Debi: Sure.
Doug: Tomorrow night, dinner is on us. And I don't want to hear any arguments.
Mike & Debi: All right.
Carrie: I don't think we're hearing any.
Mike: I hear they have this dish here, it's called sizzling lobster. It's supposed to be incredible.
Doug: Oh. Well, slap a bib on me and watch my arteries close up.

Carrie and Doug are in their hotel room.

Carrie: Honey, where's my moisturizer?
Doug: What?!
Carrie: My moisturizer!
Doug: I can't hear you! I'm in the other room of our two room suite!
Carrie: Doug!
Doug: Carrie?!
Carrie: Oi.
Doug: How great are these robes, huh?
Carrie: Mm-hmm.
Doug: We look like freaking polar bears!
Carrie: Stop! Stop!
Doug: Whoo! Whoo!
Carrie: Moron! Oi! For what we're paying, I'm taking these robes home.
Doug: Hey, we said we were going to forget about money, and just enjoy this week, right?
Carrie: You're right, you're right, you're right.
Doug: And that means treating the mini bar like it's our refrigerator at home. And right now, I want you to take a picture of me with this $25 disposable camera eating this $7 Twix. Come on, here. Right here. There you go.
Carrie: Stop.

The phone rings.

Doug: That's probably Mike about golf tomorrow, but you know what? I'm going to answer it in the sitting room, cause this phone, it bores me. Hello.
Arthur: Douglas, it's Arthur Spooner.
Doug: OK, last name not necessary. What's up?
Arthur: I had a Mr. Dick St. John of Mold Masters over to look at the situation.
Doug: Arthur, I told you to leave it alone and just sleep upstairs.
Arthur: And I quote, 'Large areas of interior walls infested with stacchy butress type growth, pipes and wiring also affected.'
Doug: Did he say how much it would cost to clean it up?
Arthur: And I quote, 'To remove all mold, estimated cost, $7,025.'
Doug: $7,000?
Arthur: I'll await further instructions. Good bye.
Carrie: Hey, was that Mike?
Doug: Uh yeah, it was just Mike.
Carrie: What do you think? Say Twix.
Doug: Twix.

Arthur is with Spence in the living room looking up information on the computer.

Arthur: All right, so what's the delay?
Spence: Sometimes it takes a little while to get on the Internet.
Arthur: So you know, same old story.
Spence: OK. We're online.
Arthur: All right, now get me the skinny on mold. They've got me living in that petri dish of a basement for five years. Got to know what it's done to me.
Spence: OK, here we go. Mold Help Line.
Arthur: That's it.
Spence: All right, Arthur. Have you suffered from any of the following conditions? Nasal stuffiness?
Arthur: Check.
Spence: Uh, shortness of breath?
Arthur: Check.
Spence: Loss of urinary control?
Arthur: Double check. All right? What else?
Spence: Well, there's something here about how extended exposure could lead to diminished mental capabilities.
Arthur: Oh God! I could lose my mind?
Spence: Theoretically, yes.
Arthur: Spence, promise me this. If you start seeing even the slightest indication of strange behavior on my part, I want you to kill me.

Doug and Carrie are in their hotel room.

Doug: Honey?
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: Do you know anything about a charge in the gift shop for $13.00?
Carrie: Yeah, I bought a pack of gum.
Doug: OK. Gum. As long as it was something important.
Carrie: OK, honey, now remember, we have dinner reservations at 6:00, so try to get back here from golf by 5:00, so I can hose you down.
Doug: What? Where you going?
Carrie: To the spa. I booked a two hour massage with Philippe.
Doug: Hold on. Uh, maybe I want to give you a massage.
Carrie: You do? Every time I ask you at home, you say what's in it for me?
Doug: I feel romantic down here, and you know what? I'll give you twice as good a massage as Philippe, and I offer additional services.
Carrie: Yeah, I have Miguel at 12:30 for that.
Doug: Very funny. Come on. Lie in the bed.
Carrie: All right! This better be good though. I'm telling you.
Doug: Believe me. And I should tell you, my hands are registered with the Department of Love. Sexy Fingers Division. All right. Here you go.
Carrie: A little harder, hon.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: Split the difference!
Doug: OK.
Carrie: That's better.
Doug: That good?
Carrie: Yeah. Use the oil, honey.
Doug: Hmm?
Carrie: Oil.
Doug: Oh. Oh. OK.
Carrie: What's going on up there?
Doug: Nothing. Nothing. It's fine. Um, fine.
Carrie: I feel like I'm being marinated.
Doug: It's all good, it's all good.
Carrie: OK! All right! Massage over! Massage over!
Doug: It's fine.
Carrie: Just now! Just now! Thank you! Thank you! That was very sweet, very sweet! But I think I'm going to let Philippe have a crack at me.
Doug: Hold on, you can't go.
Carrie: Why not?
Doug: Cause we can't afford a massage.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: That smell your father smelled. It was mold, and it's going to cost $7,000 to fix.
Carrie: $7,000?! But you told me you went down there and checked everything out before we left!!
Doug: I did.
Carrie: You said everything was OK!!
Doug: I may have lied.
Carrie: You may have or you did?!
Doug: I may have did.
Carrie: Doug!!
Doug: I didn't know it was going to cost so much.
Carrie: OK. Well, you know what? The vacation that we couldn't afford in the first place is over.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah, that's right. Start packing, buddy. And throw in a few of those towels.
Doug: But the room! Carrie, we already prepaid for the room! We can't get that money back!
Carrie: Oh, right.
Doug: And our flights! It's going to cost us more money to change them.
Carrie: Oh my God. I have an incredible headache.
Doug: That's six dollars!!
Carrie: Crap! Crap!
Doug: Look. Look, I screwed up, OK? But the room's already prepaid for, so why don't we just enjoy the rest of the week and you know, we'll take care of the mold thing when we get back.
Carrie: Huh. OK. All right. You're right. But you know what? We are not spending another dime, OK? More than we have to. Agreed?
Doug: Agreed. Look, plenty of stuff we can do that doesn't cost a cent, right? We got a beautiful view of the ocean right here. OK. Wish I would have saw the jet skis before we were poor.

The phone rings.

Doug: Hello. Oh, hey Mike. No, I didn't forget about golf.
Carrie: Golf? You're not playing golf.
Doug: I will see you there. Oh, OK, buddy. Take care.
Carrie: Doug, if I am not getting my massage, you're not spending money on golf!

Doug goes to play golf, but he climbs over the wall to get in rather than checking in at the front.

Doug: Par!! Seriously, sorry I'm late.
Mike: No problem, Doug. Uh, you want to tee off back there?
Doug: Oh, you know what? I'm just going to hit from here. I'm fine. This is perfect seriously.
Mike: All right.
Doug: Whoa! Heads up in the daycare center!
Mike: OK. All right.
Doug: Golf.

Mike takes off to the next hole in his golf cart, and Doug starts following on foot. The marshal comes around and follows Doug.

Marshal: Sir? You, sir! Sir!

Carrie and Doug meet up with Mike and Debi.

Carrie: Hey guys!
Doug: Hey you two!
Debi: What's up? You not doing the cabana?
Doug: We're kind of cabana-d out.
Carrie: Yeah. My aunt has one. We use it a lot.
Mike: You sure? It's like a hundred and ten on the sand there.
Doug: It's all right. I like my skin like I like my cheese. Deep fried. Ow!
Carrie: What's the matter?
Doug: Sand's hot.

Arthur is in the kitchen when Spence comes over.

Spence: Hey, Arthur! I just dropped by to see if you wanted to catch a movie.
Arthur: Who are you kidding? You know I couldn't follow it.
Spence: What?
Arthur: I'm losing my mind, remember? This Family Circus cartoon might as well be in Greek.
Spence: Arthur. You're not losing your mind. You're just psyching yourself out now.
Arthur: Let's just put that to a test.
Spence: How?
Arthur: I've always been able to debate any topic and tear down opposing arguments with pinpoint logic.
Spence: You want me to debate you?
Arthur: Exactly. We'll pick a topic, and we'll see if I can hold my own.
Spence: OK. What's the topic?
Arthur: How about this? Should the United States normalize relations with Cuba? You be pro.
Spence: All right. Uh, the Cold War's been over for ten years, Cuba is no longer a threat, but instead could be a valuable ally and trading partner, so it makes perfect sense to normalize relations with Cuba.
Arthur: You moron! What do you know about anything?! You're a frightened little drone who can't even get a woman! If you're so keen on normalizing something, why don't you start with your face?! I still got it.

Mike and Debi are at the restaurant waiting for Doug and Carrie.

Lobster Complimenter: Sizzling lobster is served.
Mike: I love you honey, but tonight, that is my date.
Carrie: Hey you guys!
Debi: There you are!
Doug: Hey guys.
Mike: What do you got in the bag there?
Doug: Oh. Well, since it's our turn to treat, we thought we'd do something special.
Carrie: Yeah! Let's go.
Doug: All right.

Doug and Carrie take Mike and Debi down to the sand, where they all sit around a campfire.

Carrie: More ramen noodles, Debi?
Debi: Oh! Sure!
Carrie: Mike?
Debi: Thank you.
Mike: Still working on my cheese and crackers.
Doug: Hey, and don't you fill up on the appetizers. We got a whole native island feast. We got our pineapple, we got our roast pig, huh? Already presliced and prepackaged for our convenience. And let's kick it off first with a little shrimp cocktail, huh? Whoa! She's blowing again!
Carrie: Whoop! We lost our wine glasses.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: You guys sit tight. Oh sweetie, I wouldn't put that there. The seagulls have been pretty aggressive.
Debi: Oh.
Mike: What's going on? I want to go up to the restaurant!
Debi: Honey, we'll go tomorrow night. They're obviously having some kind of money problems.
Mike: But they told us they were going to treat us.
Debi: Just be nice, OK?
Doug: We may have lost a couple napkins, but in other news, I can now confirm that our cabana boy is definitely gay.
Carrie: That's true.
Debi: Mm. Mm. Looks kind of like the tide is coming in.
Doug: No, no. I checked the chart. We got at least twelve minutes.
Lobster Complimenter: Sizzling lobster is served.
Debi: How about you finish those cheese and crackers, honey?
Mike: Yeah, right.
Customer: This is the best thing I've ever tasted!
Doug: What are you, what are you looking at, Mike?
Mike: Oh, nothing. Nothing.
Doug: Seems to me like you're, you're looking at the lobsters.
Mike: No, no, Doug.
Doug: It's just that we thought, you know, we'd have a beautiful picnic out here on the beach. Might be more fun than sitting in a stuffy restaurant. But you know what? If you want lobster, let's get you some lobster.
Mike: No, no, no.
Doug: It's not like we can't afford it.
Mike: No, no, I'm sure you can.
Doug: No, I know we can.
Mike: Look, Doug. We're, we're friends. And uh, it's OK if things are a little tight.
Doug: Things are tight? Things aren't tight here. What? Things are very loose. You know, that's what I'm saying. What makes you think they're tight?
Mike: I don't know. I mean, I'm sitting on a rock, and I'm eating food from 7-11.
Doug: OK. First of all, it's from an A & P, so get your facts straight. And second of all, if you want lobster, we're going to get you some lobster.
Carrie: Doug.
Doug: No, no, it's fine. Excuse me! Can I get, uh, two sizzling lobsters down there for my friends?
Waiter: Actually, these are our last two lobsters.
Doug: You know what? I will take these two. Just charge them to my room, please. OK? Thank you. SIZZLING!!!
Carrie: So um, I'm guessing everyone on their own tomorrow?

Doug and Carrie are leaving St. Croix.