Doug and Carrie come home from the movies.

Carrie: OK, that's it. I get to pick the next five movies.
Doug: What? It was great!
Carrie: Yeah. A kid gets sliced in half by a surfboard. There's a feel good moment.
Doug: It was called Slaughter Beach. What were you expecting? Come on, you got to admit. That killer was pretty freaking scary, huh? Surf's up.
Carrie: Don't do that!
Doug: Why, does it freak you out when I say surf's up?
Carrie: Stop it!
Doug: Stop what?
Carrie: That voice!
Doug: What voice? This is just the way I talk. Would you like an English muffin?
Carrie: Come on! I mean it. Stop it. You know those movies give me nightmares. Here, take the garbage out.
Doug: Fine.

The phone rings.

Carrie: Hello.
Doug: Surf's up.

Carrie walks over to the kitchen door and locks the deadbolt. She puts the phone on the table and goes into the living room.

Doug: It's a shame you had to leave the beach so early. You were with the boy who played guitar. Well, he don't sing no more. Carrie? Hello?

OPENING CREDITS

Doug and Carrie are at the Drugstore shopping.

Carrie: All right, toothpaste, razor blades, Kleenex, do we need anything else?
Doug: Yeah, I'm getting this.
Carrie: A ball.
Doug: Yeah, I'm getting a ball.
Carrie: All right. Put it back.
Doug: I'm not putting it back.
Carrie: What do you need a ball for?
Doug: For bouncing.
Carrie: All right, come on, put it back. Stop it. Just put it back.
Doug: Fine. If I'm not allowed to get a ball, then you're not allowed to get your tampons. Yeah. Bye bye, sure and natural for light days.
Carrie: All right, give it back to me. You're being an idiot. All right, let me just pick up our pictures, and we can go. So it's Saturday night. What are we going to do?
Doug: I don't know. You want to go to a movie?
Carrie: Eh, I don't want to deal with the parking. You want to rent?
Doug: Then you got to make two trips. One to rent, and one to return. Never ends.
Carrie: Hi. Dropped off some film the other day. Heffernan?
Photo Clerk: Let me take a look. Yeah, here they are, right here. Uh, I can ring the rest of that stuff up for you here too.
Carrie: Oh! Great. Thank you.
Doug: We don't have to wait in that line up front?
Photo Clerk: No.
Doug: I mean, you'd ring us up even if we weren't getting pictures?
Photo Clerk: Yeah.
Doug: That is a hot little secret, my friend.
Photo Clerk: That everything?
Carrie: Oh, just have to pick up my dad's heart medicine. I'll be right back.
Doug: And I can't get a ball.

Doug and Carrie are sitting on the couch eating pizza after coming back from the Drugstore.

Carrie: All right, what do we got here? You barbecuing, our fender when we got hit, oh, this is when you made me take that picture of you in front of that place, Doug's Diner, because it was kind of like it was your diner.
Doug: Oh yeah. Doug's Diner.
Carrie: Oh look. My cousin Becky.
Doug: OK. General rule. If I'm not in it, don't need to see it.

The phone rings.

Carrie: Hello? Oh, hey Dad. I don't know. Where are you?
Arthur: I'm right here. Welcome to the future, kids. I am now the proud owner of a cellular telephone.
Carrie: Oh. Good for you, Dad!
Arthur: I was in the mall this evening, I saw a booth, and I couldn't resist. This little phone is going to set me free. I can have a business meeting from the beach.
Doug: Yeah, if you had a business, or a way to get to the beach.
Arthur: Anyway, if you need to reach me, my number, 555-LOGS.
Doug: Logs?
Arthur: Yes. It's a phone number, and a word. Marvelous!
Doug: I'm guessing they didn't have 555-NUTBAG.
Carrie: All right. Let's see what's in the second packet here. Wait a minute.
Doug: What?
Carrie: I think we got someone else's pictures. Yeah, it says "Hofferman" here, not "Heffernan."
Doug: We got someone else's pictures?
Carrie: Yeah, I guess so.
Doug: Great, let me see them.
Carrie: Doug! You can't look at somebody else's pictures. It's wrong.
Doug: Oh, you can't look at other people's pictures? Give.
Carrie: All right, well. Slow down. Slow down.
Doug: Nice looking couple. Thirty's. Well dressed.
Carrie: Hello Mr. and Mrs. Hofferman.
Doug: Or maybe Dr. and Mrs. Hofferman.
Carrie: Or maybe Mr. and Dr. Hofferman.
Doug: Yeah, like she's a doctor, and he's not. Like that happens, ever.
Carrie: Oh look. They ran that 10K in Corona Park. And here they are scuba diving. Man, these people really get out, huh? Here they are hiking. Geez! This guy is playing guitar on top of a mountain! Are you getting what I'm getting?!
Doug: Uh, he no likey girl so much?
Carrie: No! These people are amazing! I mean, look at their pictures compared to ours!
Doug: Come on! That's not a fair comparison! They're doctors!
Carrie: Doug, they run, they, they hike! They, they scuba dive! I mean, I can't even find one of us here where we're even standing up!
Doug: Come on, whatever.
Carrie: No, I'm serious! I mean, we suck! I mean, it's Saturday night, and what have we done?! We went to a drugstore, and now we're lying around eating pizza, even too lame to rent a movie! I mean, we should be out there doing stuff!
Doug: OK, if you recall, I wanted to buy a ball, and someone wouldn't let me.
Carrie: Doug, come on. I mean, we're letting our lives go by. I mean, we should be scuba diving.
Doug: Oi.
Carrie: Now come on. You said you wanted to learn to scuba!
Doug: When?
Carrie: When we were dating.
Doug: Of course I said it when we were dating! I was trying to make you think I went outside!

Doug is at work talking to Deacon.

Deacon: Hey man!
Doug: Carrie's making us go scuba diving. She wants us to be more active. Can you picture me in a wet suit?
Deacon: Ooh, yeah, I just did, and it wasn't zipped up.
Doug: OK, why wasn't it zipped up?
Deacon: I don't know. It just popped into my head unzipped. I'm no happier about this than you are.
Doug: Huh, this is brutal. I got to figure out some way to get her off of scuba. I got to come up with something that'll make her think we're being active, but in reality, is very easy. Got anything?
Deacon: What about tennis?
Doug: Pffft.
Deacon: OK, uh, archery.
Doug: Already look enough like cupid, don't need the bow and arrow.
Deacon: Hold on. Hello?
Arthur: Deacon, it's Arthur. I recently purchased a cellular telephone, and I wanted to update my contact information so I can be reached at anytime, day or night. My new number is 555-LOGS. I look forward to hearing from you soon.
Deacon: Who is this again?

Carrie and Doug are taking scuba diving lessons.

Scuba Instructor: So, just to get the feel of breathing underwater, I'm going to ask you to put your regulator in your mouth, let the air out of your nostrils, and float gently down to the bottom. Take a couple of breaths down there, and then just come right back up. OK? You three first.
Carrie: He loves the water. Doug?

Doug comes up out of the water coughing and sputtering.
Holly and Arthur are at Starbucks.

Arthur: Thank you very much.
Holly: Arthur, I hate leaving you here. Are you sure you don't want to finish our walk?
Arthur: Absolutely. I've got my caramel coffee, my cell phone, I'm part of the modern world, and I'm loving it!
Holly: OK, well. I'll see you later.
Arthur: Have a nice afternoon. If you need to reach me, I'm at-
Holly: 555-LOGS. Yeah, I know.
Arthur: Would you like to hear my humorous ring again?
Holly: Oh, no thanks.
Arthur: Didn't you like it? It's the theme from the movie "Arthur."
Holly: Which is funny, cause you're Arthur.
Arthur: That's right.
Holly: Yeah, it's just that most people don't have the whole song. Anyway, I got to go. See you later.

Arthur walks over to a table and hums his ring tone. He sits down, and the person who is sitting across from him answers a phone call.

Man on Cell Phone: Hey. Nothing. Sitting in Starbucks.

A girl in a brown jacket answers a phone call.

Woman in Coffee Shop: Hello? Oh hey. Yeah, I was just wondering if you wanted to get manicures later.

Arthur pulls the antenna up on his cell phone and sets it back down on the table.
Doug is at the Drugstore with Deacon.

Doug: Hi, um. Do you have anything for when you're scuba diving and you panic, and you drag a kid under the water and, and he bites you?
Clerk: Uh, I'm not sure.
Doug: Anything like uh, bite be gone, or boy bite be gone?
Clerk: Try this.
Doug: Oh, great. Thank you.
Deacon: So you used a child as your flotation device. Classy move.
Doug: This is all Carrie's fault, OK? And she's not letting go of this either. Last night I heard her talking about hang gliding. Yeah, I'm the guy you want dangling over a little town. This is ridiculous! I mean, we get one roll of a strangers' pictures, and all of a sudden, she wants us to be them!
Deacon: Look, I'm sure their lives aren't like that all the time.
Doug: What do you mean?
Deacon: I mean, I'm sure if you saw their next roll of pictures, they'd be watching TV in their underwear just like the rest of us.
Doug: You know what? You're right.
Deacon: Hey, where are you going?
Doug: I'm going to see if the Hoffermans have any more pictures here.
Deacon: You can't steal these people's pictures again! Doug: Hey, we returned the last pack, and everything worked out fine. Now, make yourself useful and create a distraction.
Deacon: Fine. I'll go walk by the watches.
Doug: Hi! I just wanted to check if I had any pictures ready.
Photo Clerk: What's the name?
Doug: Uh, it's uh, Hoffermoney.
Photo Clerk: What was that?
Doug: Jofferman.
Photo Clerk: I'm sorry. One more time?
Doug: Hofferman. OK? I'm Mr. Hofferman. It might be under Dr. Hofferman.
Photo Clerk: Here they are right here.
Doug: Oh great. Thank you.
Deacon: Hey, you got them?
Doug: Yup. Let's see what the Hoffermans are up to this week. Whoa!
Deacon: What?
Doug: Hoffer-nipple!

Carrie is sitting at home reading a pamphlet. Doug comes home.

Doug: Hey, sweet thing! What's going on?
Carrie: Well, I'm guessing you're not up for a second try at scuba, so I'm looking into a few hiking trails I think you can handle.
Doug: Great! Bring it on!
Carrie: Really? I was expecting you to cry or run at me.
Doug: What? No. You know, I've been thinking about these Hofferman folks, and you're right. They do know a little something about living life.
Carrie: Really! Well, I am glad you feel that way cause I was looking at their pictures again.
Doug: What? I thought you returned those.
Carrie: I kept the doubles. But look, I didn't see this the first time! They have a dog! Let's get a dog.
Doug: Sure, sure! We can get a dog.
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: And here's a few other things we can do.
Carrie: What's that?
Doug: The next set of Hofferman pictures.
Carrie: Oh my God, you stole them? Get them out! Get them out!
Doug: All right. This one here, that's my favorite.
Carrie: She's making him a waffle.
Doug: No, she's making him a waffle in lacy lingerie.
Carrie: So what are you saying? You want me to do this?
Doug: This, and this. And a little of this. And assuming we can find the right kind of chair, this.
Carrie: Good God!! I'm not doing any of those things!
Doug: Yeah, but Mrs. Hofferman did.
Carrie: Yeah, well. I'm not a ho!
Doug: And I'm not a scuba diver, but guess what we did last Saturday, sister. Yeah! Get some rest.

Arthur is still sitting in Starbucks, even though it's already night time. A cell phone rings.

Man: Yeah, I told you I sold those shares, I don't want to hold on to them.
Woman: You're kidding me.
Barista: Yeah, I'm off at eight.

Suddenly cell phones go off all around Arthur, except for his.

Arthur: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Doug and Carrie are making breakfast. Doug is taking pictures of Carrie in lingerie making waffles.

Doug: All right, you're a dirty batter girl, give me the look. OK, that's angry batter girl.
Carrie: OK, would you just take the picture, please? Thank you. OK.
Doug: Now, pick up a piece of bacon.
Carrie: All right.
Doug: Slap it! Slap it around!
Carrie: Doug, come on!!
Doug: There you go.
Carrie: All right. Food's all cooking. What's next?
Doug: Uh, not really sure. Uh, we can do the sex, then the waffles, or the waffles, then the sex. What do you think?
Carrie: I don't know, honey. This is kind of your baby.
Doug: OK. Then I choose, sex then waffles!!
Carrie: Got to admit. Thought you were going to go the other way. I did. All right. Let's get cracking.
Doug: OK. Get in here.
Carrie: All right.

The waffle iron beeps, and Carrie leans over to turn it off. Doug burns himself on the pan with the bacon in it.

Doug: OW!! BACON GREASE!! What are you doing??!!
Carrie: I was trying to unplug the waffle iron!
Doug: What are you worried about that for??! This is the sex part!! You worry about that during the waffle part!!
Carrie: I am sorry. It's hard to focus with a piercing whistle in my ear! This whole thing is ridiculous.
Doug: You know what? Just forget it. Thanks for nothing.
Carrie: I told you this was a stupid idea.
Doug: Mrs. Hofferman didn't think it was so stupid. You don't see her freaking out over the waffle iron.
Carrie: Oh my God. You are not getting on me about this, are you? Oh, OK, all right, who's this? AHHHAHHAHAH, WHOOOAHHAHHA! I'm going to die, I'm in four feet of water!!!
Doug: Well excuse me for not knowing how to breathe under water! I'm not a walrus! Shutty.
Carrie: OK. You know what else you don't know how to do? Keep a room nice. I mean, look at this. Mr. Hofferman doesn't throw his clothes all over the floor, no gum wrappers on the dresser.
Doug: That's maybe cause Mrs. Hofferman lets him go to the Knick game with his buddies.
Carrie: Well, why wouldn't she, when he buys her roses like these? I mean, when is the last time you bought me roses?!
Doug: Well maybe I would, if you would, and we're back to the chair thing.
Carrie: OK, you know what?! Why don't you go find Mrs. Hofferman, and go have waffle sex with her?!
Doug: Yeah, why don't you go find Mr. Hofferman, and go scuba diving with him?! I bet you his guitar sounds even fruitier under water!
Carrie: The fruitiest thing I've ever seen under water is you, my friend!!
Doug: Huh. What are we doing here?
Carrie: I don't know.
Doug: Hoffermans. They're destroying us.
Carrie: I know.
Doug: Look, we got to stop trying to be the Hoffermans. I mean, we're the Heffernans. It's like the Hoffermans, only slightly worse, and that's OK.
Carrie: Exactly.

Arthur comes in the back door.

Arthur: 555-LOGS!!!

Holly is walking Arthur.

Holly: I don't know. Part of me really wants to be on Survivor, but another part of me is like, do I really want to expose myself in that way, you know? Excuse me. Hello? Oh, hi Mrs. Gilbar. Uh-huh. Sure. Sure. Yeah, hold on one second. Cupcake, it's your mommy. She's on the phone, she misses you, and wants to say hello.
Arthur: Oh for God's sake. How dare you get a cell phone call! You're a dog, Cupcake!!! A dog!! You wipe that smug look off your face or I'll do it for you.
Holly: Arthur, maybe you should-
Arthur: Give me that!!! Do you understand that there are human beings out there who need love?!! Think about it. I curse the day I ever bought this thing. Arthur throws the cell phone into the river.
Holly: Um, that was mine.

Carrie and Doug are at the Drugstore wandering around.

Carrie: So this is how we spend our Saturday nights. This is great! Doug: We love each other, and we love the Drugstore. Nothing to be ashamed of. I'm getting a ball this time, you can't stop me. Where are you going?
Carrie: Nowhere. I just want to see if the Hoffermans have any more pictures.
Doug: Carrie, let it go. We don't care, remember?
Carrie: No, I know. I know. I just, I just want to see their dog one last time.
Photo Clerk: May I help you?
Mr. Hofferman: Yes, I was wondering if our pictures were ready. The name's Hofferman.
Carrie: HUH!
Mr. Hofferman: Hi.
Carrie: Hello.
Doug: Hi.
Carrie: Would you look at them?
Doug: OK, I admit they're magnificent. Think of it this way. They're here in the Drugstore on a Saturday night too. They're, they're no better than us.
Carrie: You're right. You're right.
Photo Clerk: Anything else?
Mrs. Hofferman: Yeah, this suntan lotion.
Photo Clerk: Going somewhere good?
Mr. Hofferman: Actually, yes. We're leaving tomorrow for the Galapagos Islands to do some research for our book.
Carrie: Damn it.
Doug: Why did we have to get their pictures in the first place? There's got to be one couple in here that'll make us seem good. Ah-ha. The Sazdorf's.
Carrie: Yeah.
Doug: Let's see what you got. Wow, nice sailboat. Come on, help me!
Carrie: Oh man! This couple knows Halle Berry! Dump, dump the bin!