Doug and Carrie are at the hospital, sitting in the waiting lounge.

Doug: You know what they ought to bring back? Old fashioned nurses. You know, the ones with really big breasts and low cut uniforms?
Carrie: My father is about to have heart surgery.
Doug: And don't you think he'd like to wake up with a nice big pair of bosoms in his face?
Carrie: Huh.
Doug: Come here. Look. It's not even real heart surgery. It's angioplasty. Come on, let's read the pamphlet Dr. Davis gave you.
Carrie: No, it's stupid.
Doug: It's not! It's about a little cartoon character named Angie O'Plasty. That worked out well, didn't it?
Carrie: Yeah, cause you meet a lot of people named O'Plasty.
Doug: Come on! She's a little heart with a bow in her hair. She's adorable! If I were a little boy heart, I'd take a run at her.
Carrie: Just read.
Doug: OK. All right. Come along for a tour of the heart with your special guide, Angie O'Plasty. First stop, the groin. Whoa. Wasn't expecting that. OK, let's see, look, it's simple, they send a balloon into his heart vessel, and blow it up. It's fun! It's like, it's like a birthday party. Maybe they can make it into a poodle.
Carrie: It's going to be OK, right?
Doug: Yes, he's going to be fine. Look, he's going to be better than fine, he's going to be great. Could you float me a buck?
Carrie: What?
Doug: Well, I'm kind of hungry. That's a Chipwich machine. I think you know where this is going.
Carrie: I used all my singles for parking.
Doug: Come on. All I got is a hundred dollar bill.
Carrie: All right. You know what? You work on your little problem over there, and I'm going to go ask the doctor a few more questions I won't understand the answers to.

Doug gets up, and a man comes over.

F. Moynihan: Hey. I know you! You deliver for IPS, right?
Doug: Yeah.
F. Moynihan: You don't recognize me, do you? Here maybe this will help you.
Doug: Still not getting it.
F. Moynihan: I'm looking through a peephole, guy!
Doug: Oh. OK.
F. Moynihan: Come on, you deliver to me all the time! 225 Jewel Avenue.
Doug: Oh wait a second. I can, I can see the name on the package. F. Moynihan!
F. Moynihan: You got it.
Doug: Oh man. Hey!
F. Moynihan: Hey. Can I tell you something? You're great.
Doug: I am?
F. Moynihan: Well, I mean when you deliver, you're a pleasure to deal with. I mean, you enjoy your job and it shows.
Doug: Wow! Well, well thanks, F. So what are you, what are you in for?
F. Moynihan: Oh, I got a little tummy trouble. Just in for a little check up.
Doug: Oh. Sorry to hear that. Hey, speaking of tummies, I'm trying to get a Chipwich. Any chance you got change of a hundred?
F. Moynihan: You know something? This is on me.
Doug: Really?
F. Moynihan: You betcha.
Doug: Oh! Wow! Man, thanks. I really appreciate that, and you know what? If you ever need anything, here is my card.
F. Moynihan: Wow. Geez, you guys get your own cards, huh?
Doug: Yeah, we're not really sure why. Hey, you know what? Maybe for situations just like this.
F. Moynihan: Well, for all the deliveries you've brought to me, allow me to deliver this to you.
Doug: Hey. Where do I sign?
F. Moynihan: Delightful.

Arthur is in his room. Doug and Carrie come in.

Doug & Carrie: Hey!
Carrie: Dad, you look great!
Doug: Hey, who's up for a little angioplasty? Hey, got a taker right here.
Arthur: I believe you've dislodged my IV, be a love and try to find it before I expire.
Carrie: Dad! Come on, you're going to be fine. So are you OK? Do you need anything?
Arthur: Actually, could you stop home and pick up my sleep mask?
Carrie: Sure! Where is it?
Arthur: I'm not sure. I haven't used it in a while, since you've got me sleeping in a windowless basement.
Carrie: We'll find it.
Arthur: Also, and this is important. When I'm under, please see to it they don't circumcise me.
Carrie: They're not going to circumcise you!
Arthur: Excuse me. What is the name of this hospital?
Carrie: Forest Hills Jewish.
Arthur: Enough said.

Carrie and Doug are at home looking for Arthur's sleep mask.

Carrie: His sleep mask isn't here.
Doug: Can't we just give him some duct tape?
Carrie: Honey, could you look up there?
Doug: I got to tell you, Carr. I'm still a little rattled by what I found in that cigar box.
Carrie: All right. Come on. Shake it off! Look up there.
Doug: All right. OK, and I'm touching something moist, hand coming down now!
Carrie: Doug, come on. Look. There's a box right there. Bring that box down. Right there.
Doug: Oh, God, the whole box is moist too.
Carrie: What's this?
Doug: What is it?
Carrie: Look at this. It's a scrapbook of all my old stuff! Look at that, my finger paintings, my report cards! I can't believe he kept all this stuff. OK, now I really want him to live.
Doug: This crap is not coming off my finger.
Carrie: Oh, look. My first grade picture. Look at my pigtails.
Doug: Woof. Looks like you had a bad case of mononucleugly. I just came up with that this second. I swear.
Carrie: I can't believe it. I almost want to cry. Wait a second. What is this?
Doug: What?
Carrie: It's an acceptance letter from Florida State.
Doug: I didn't know you got in to Florida State.
Carrie: Neither did I. I never saw this before.
Doug: What do you mean?
Carrie: I mean, I never saw this letter before! I applied, I really wanted to go, I never heard back. I just assumed they rejected me like every other college, and that beauty school. He must have hid this from me!
Doug: Why would he do that?
Carrie: I don't know! I don't know! Look at this. It's a pros and cons list about whether I should go or not. Pro, better life for her. Con, worse life for me. Oh, that's good. That's some great parenting right there. Pro, sunshine. Con, Burt Reynold's Dinner Theater. This is crazy!
Doug: Actually, my parents saw Evita there, and loved it.
Carrie: Doug, if I would have gone to this school, I could have gotten a degree, I could have gotten out of Queens. My whole life would have been different.
Doug: Your life turned out OK, didn't it?
Carrie: Huh? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I am going to kill him! I am going to go down to that hospital right now, and I am going to kill him!
Doug: Would you take it easy, OK? Look, you have every right to be mad, but he's going in for heart surgery, OK? So you can't do anything about it now.
Carrie: But I'm going to-
Doug: Shh.
Carrie: Kill-
Doug: Shh. More importantly, we got to think about other things. Like what the hell is on my finger?!

Doug and Carrie are back at the hospital.

Doug: Hey, we're back. How are you doing?
Arthur: I'm pretty sure they drugged me.
Doug: You went in for surgery. They're supposed to drug you.
Arthur: You are one dumb bunny.
Carrie: Here you go. I brought you your sleep mask and some clean pajamas.

Doug's cell phone rings.

Doug: Yeah, hello? Uh-huh. OK. Sure. You know what? They need me down in Admitting, must be about billing or something.
Carrie: I'll go.
Doug: What? No. I can take care of it.
Carrie: No, honey! Don't leave me alone with him. OK? I might hurt him.
Doug: Come on.
Carrie: I'm serious. I could pull a rubber glove over his head. You see, I already have a plan.
Doug: You're going to be fine.
Carrie: No!
Arthur: What? No magazines?
Carrie: You didn't ask for magazines.
Arthur: Didn't realize I had to ask for the obvious.
Carrie: Sorry.

Doug is waiting at the counter.

Dr. Berger: Are you Mr. Heffernan?
Doug: Uh, yeah.
Dr. Berger: Please. Please, have a seat. My name is Dr. Berger.
Doug: Mm-hmm. How are you?
Dr. Berger: I'm afraid that Mr. Moynihan's condition is quite a bit more serious than we first thought.
Doug: Mr. Moynihan? F. Moynihan?
Dr. Berger: Yeah, yeah. You see, he has evolvulus, which in layman's terms is a twisted colon.
Doug: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Dr. Berger: Now I'm afraid we're going to have to perform emergency surgery on him immediately.
Doug: Mm. And why are you telling me this exactly?
Dr. Berger: Well, you are Mr. Moynihan's emergency contact. Now, we haven't broken the news to him yet. Well, well, we feel that it's best for a loved one to be present.
Doug: You know the thing is, I'm, I'm not really-

An attendant comes out, pushing F. Moynahan in a wheelchair.

F. Moynihan: Hey! Did you happen to see the best IPS guy in the world? Ooh! Ooh!

Carrie is sitting reading a magazine in Arthur's hospital room.

Dr. Davis: Mr. Spooner? We're about ready for your procedure. They'll be in in a few minutes to wheel you down.
Carrie: OK. Thank you.
Arthur: Darling, can you say a few words with me?
Carrie: Hm?
Arthur: I'm about to have heart surgery. I figured it can't hurt to talk to the man upstairs.
Carrie: OK. OK.
Arthur: Just so you understand, man upstairs is a euphemism for God.
Carrie: I know.
Arthur: Just didn't want you running upstairs looking for some other man.
Carrie: Thank you.
Arthur: Dear God, please help me get through my heart procedure, and please make sure they don't circumcise me, special emphasis on the latter. Amen.
Carrie: Amen. Uh, Dad. Since you're praying, now may be a good time to confess anything that may be bothering you. Anything you think you've done wrong?
Arthur: No.
Carrie: No? Cause I was thinking, oh, I don't know, um, anything that you did in World War II, or say, when I was a senior in high school?
Arthur: Oh.
Carrie: Mm-hmm.
Arthur: Oh!
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.
Arthur: That boy you liked. Dennis Perretto? He called you once, and I never told you about it.
Carrie: What?!
Arthur: He burped into the phone. He claimed it was an accident, I didn't buy it.

Doug is in a hospital room with Dr. Berger and F. Moynihan.

Dr. Berger: OK, now here's what I don't like. You see the way the colon sort of twists around itself?
F. Moynihan: Not really!
Dr. Berger: But you see it there, Doug.
Doug: Not really. No.
Dr. Berger: Well, the good news is, I think we caught it early enough. Anyway, I'll give you two a few minutes alone.
Doug: Uh, no, um. Twisted colon, eh? Doesn't sound so bad. Hey, Twisty! So you put me down as your emergency contact, huh?
F. Moynihan: Yeah, I got your number off the card you gave me. I didn't think they'd have to use it.
Doug: Whoa! Whoa! Wow, that is twisted. I, I really got to get going cause my father-in-law's got a thing of his own.
F. Moynihan: OK. Bye Doug. God bless you.
Doug: Uh, is there anyone you want me to call for you, or?
F. Moynihan: No, you're my emergency contact. There is nobody else. Pretty pathetic, huh?
Doug: No, no, I mean. I'll tell you who has a rough time getting emergency contacts. Amish people. No phones, huh?
F. Moynihan: Amish people have phones.
Doug: I don't think they do.
F. Moynihan: Well, even if they don't have phones, let me tell you what they do have. They have family and friends that love them.
Doug: Hey, not necessarily. I bet you there are some very nasty Amish people out there.
F. Moynihan: Doug, I appreciate what you're trying to do for me here, but I think we both know that Amish people are pretty great.
Doug: Well, so are you.
F. Moynihan: Hey Doug? Can we go hold the preemies?
Doug: I'm sorry?
F. Moynihan: The premature babies down in the nursery? The human contact helps them grow, and well, I think connecting with life in that way might make me feel a whole lot better. Plus they smell really good.
Doug: I can't, cause I have a thing I got to run to. My father-in-law, so.
F. Moynihan: Oh, oh, OK. Hey you enjoyed the Chipwich that I got you, right?
Doug: Uh, yeah.
F. Moynihan: Oh, good. Good.
Doug: You know what? Let me pay you back for that.
F. Moynihan: Oh, no, come on.
Doug: No, I owe you a dollar.
F. Moynihan: No, you do not owe me anything.
Doug: There you go. We are all square, so now nobody owes anybody anything. OK? And this is so, not a big deal. Nice picture, though, huh? I should have gotten that guy for my wedding. OK, take care now. Hey, Twisty!

Doug is sitting with Carrie in the waiting lounge.

Carrie: Dennis Perretto! How can my father not have told me that Dennis Perretto called?!
Doug: I don't know.
Carrie: I really liked him! He was, he was really nice, very good looking, and you know what he does now? He owns a chain of very successful dry cleaning stores.
Doug: All right. You know what, Carr? This is really starting to hurt.
Carrie: Are you? This is not about you, OK?
Doug: Well, it's annoying, Carrie. Now you're running off to Florida, you're married to a guy named Dennis. I'm just not sure where I fit in.
Carrie: Oh, you fit in. You fit in just fine. Oh, look at him. He's got me furious at him at the very moment I should be feeling love and kindness!! All right, I just got to get back to a loving place. I just got to picture him lying there weak and helpless. going through the most traumatic experience of his life. I got nothing. I'm dead inside.
Doug: You know what might help? A Chipwich.
Carrie: I don't want a Chipwich.
Doug: Look, you want a Chipwich. More importantly, I want a Chipwich. Uh-oh.
Carrie: What?
Doug: Oh no, I think I accidentally gave my hundred to F. Moynihan when I was paying him back!!
Carrie: Who?
Doug: The guy who bought me a Chipwich before. Crap! Hold on a second, his surgery was scheduled for three. He should be out soon. God, the waiting is unbearable!
Dr. Davis: Mrs. Heffernan?
Carrie: Yes! Hi. So?
Dr. Davis: Your dad did great. In fact, there was less blockage than we thought.
Carrie: OK. OK.
Dr. Davis: He's resting now, so you can go see him if you like.
Carrie: OK. Thanks again.
Doug: That's good.
Carrie: All right, come on honey.
Doug: You know what? I'll be right there.
Carrie: OK.

Doug goes over to Dr. Berger.

Doug: Uh, Dr. Berger?
Dr. Berger: Oh, well hello, Doug.
Doug: How's he doing?
Dr. Berger: The operation went well.
Doug: Oh, thank God. Thank God. Can I see him?
Dr. Berger: Yes. Now you should know that we did find a perforation of the bowel, which we've taken care of, but, of course, there's always a chance of infection. Now do you have any questions?
Doug: Uh-huh. Are his pants with him?

Carrie is sitting in Arthur's hospital room, when a nurse comes in.

Carrie: Hi.
Nurse: Hi. These just came for him. From the boys down at the senior center.
Carrie: OK. Thank you. You see? You see what I'm doing here? I, I threw out your flowers. I shouldn't do that! Those came for you! But you know what? That acceptance letter from Florida State came for me. Dennis Perretto called for me. So it actually felt really good to throw out your flowers. It felt really good. What else you got going on here? Let's see. Oh! Rice pudding. Oh, you love rice pudding. Yeah. Mmm. Delicious. You don't know what you're missing. Mmm. Yeah, baby. OK. This is putrid. Do you see what you've got me doing here? I am throwing out your flowers, and eating old people food, just so you can't have it. That's how much I hate you. That's how much!

Arthur's heart monitor reads zero, and flatlines.

Carrie: Oh my God, Daddy?
Nurse: It's OK, sweetheart. That happens sometimes when we first plug it in.

Doug goes into F. Moynihan's room. He makes his way over to the chair, and tries to find his hundred dollar bill, but change falls out of F. Moynihan's jeans.

F. Moynihan: Doug? Are you robbing me?
Doug: No, no, I was just, uh, feeling your pants. What are these, denim?
F. Moynihan: Yes, they are. Can we hold the preemies now?
Doug: Sure buddy. We can, we can go hold the preemies.
F. Moynihan: Great. First help me go to the bathroom?

Arthur wakes up.

Arthur: Carrie?
Carrie: Hey. You're fine. Everything went great.
Arthur: Wonderful. Is all this for me?
Carrie: Yup. All for you.
Arthur: Wow. Actually, I'm just happy you're here. I was a little afraid of waking up alone.
Carrie: Well, you're not alone.
Arthur: Thank you darling. That's the view I'm looking for!