Doug: Hey, guy. How's my truck looking?
Danny: Almost loaded. Hey, hey. What do I do with this? It's coded for our depot, but the address is Sector Seven.
Doug: Jimmy. Jimmy, Jimmy. What's my job here?
Jimmy: You're a driver.
Doug: Yeah. And what does he do?
Jimmy: Well, he's wearing the big, black belt so I guess that makes him a loader.
Doug: Now Danny, if your job was to mow the White House lawn, would you ask the President what to do with the clippings?
Danny: No.
Doug: The unwritten rules, my friend. The unwritten rules. All right. What's up?
Deacon: What's up, bridesmaid? So, your uh, folks roll into town yet?
Doug: Nah, they're coming in today. But it turns out Carrie's got to go on this business trip, so I got to be their Mr. Belvedere all week.
Deacon: You can't just suck it up for a week? I mean, they took care of you for eighteen years, right?
Doug: Actually, twenty-seven.
O'Boyle: Oh, OK. Don't all jump up at once. I'm only the boss.
Doug: What do you got there, Mr. O'Boyle?
O'Boyle: Safety manuals for the test.
Doug: What test?
O'Boyle: All right, guys, as all you, except for Heffernan, probably knows, the company's going with another insurance carrier, so you're going to need these manuals for the test on basic safety practices on Wednesday.
Deacon: Aw, man.
O'Boyle: Well, grumble all you want, but you fail, you're off the road for three months. Speaking of which, why the hell aren't you on the road right now? Let's go, let's go, let's go!
Duke: I can't believe this crap.
Deacon: Yeah, I've been driving my truck for eight years, now they want to see if I know how to use it?
Doug: I specifically took this job so I wouldn't have to read.
Pete: Does anybody want to form a study group?
Doug: Anybody want to wear a dress?

OPENING CREDITS

Joe is trying to fix the armchair. Arthur is at the table looking at some mail.

Joe: Wow, these legs are really scuffed. Do you happen to know where my son keeps his varnish?
Arthur: That would be in the unventilated basement where they make me sleep.
Joe: OK, here's the problem. No support screws. No wonder the darn thing's wobbly. Spooner, could you pass me a screwdriver?
Arthur: I wasn't aware I was your apprentice, but very well.
Joe: Actually, I need a Phillip's Head. You know what's funny? For twenty-five years, I owned a hardware store. I could never figure out why the heck we needed two types of screwdrivers.
Arthur: You ran a successful business. I get it.
Joe: I mean, everybody gets along just fine with one screwdriver, and then this guy, Phillips comes along, convinces the world that we need a second screwdriver. Maybe I should go out there and invent a Joe's Head screwdriver. Make a million bucks for myself.
Arthur: Hm. Oh, is it six o'clock already? Forgive me, I have to run.
Joe: Where are you going?
Arthur: A meeting at the senior center. We're unhappy with the pudding vendor. We're thinking of making a change.

Doug comes home from work. Janet is in the kitchen.

Doug: Hey, hey, I'm home!
Janet: Oh, Dougie! Great to see you!
Doug: Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late. I had to stop at a couple stores.
Janet: When is Carrie getting home?
Doug: Oh yeah. You're not going to believe this. She had to go to Chicago for the week with her law firm. She's totally going to miss your visit.
Janet: Aw, fiddlesticks!
Doug: It's OK, it's OK. I got some stuff. You're going to be all taken care of here. I got some vegetables, soap, a chicken, and some sheets. Carrie said we had extra sheets, but I couldn't find them.
Janet: Honey, they're in the hall closet. I already made the bed.
Doug: All right, well OK. But I am making dinner. OK? So, let me just pop this thing in the microwave, and we will be good to go. OK. I don't see a chicken button.
Janet: Dougie, come on, let me make the dinner.
Doug: No, Ma! You are a guest in my house! OK? Let me host you!
Janet: And you are very sweet, but I am the mother here, and I'm pulling rank on you. Let me do what I do, and you do what you do. OK?

Doug is playing video games. Janet comes downstairs with a laundry basket. Joe is sitting at the dining room table.

Doug: Oh yeah! Touchdown! Oh, I stomped your ass!
Janet: Dougie!
Doug: Sorry, Ma.
Janet: Is this all the laundry? What was up in the hamper?
Doug: Ma! Dinner was great. You don't have to do my laundry. This is crazy.
Janet: Come on! This is my joy.
Doug: Really? You think your joy would mind washing my uniform? It's on the floor in my bedroom.
Janet: My son the slob.

The phone rings.

Doug: Hello? Hey Spence, what's up? You know what? No, I can't. My parents are here. Oh, it's going great. It's just like being back in high school again, except with less acne, and now I've actually seen a naked girl. You know what? I'll ask. Ma! Can Spence come over for dinner tomorrow?!
Janet: Sure. Hey, you should invite the whole gang like you used to. Oh Joe. Isn't this fun?
Joe: Don't invite Spencer, he's weird.
Janet: Let it go, Joe. He was in junior high. He was just curious about his body.
Joe: Why did he have to be curious in my bathroom? With the door unlocked?
Doug: Ma, as long as you're doing dinner and laundry, what are the odds I could score some lemon squares?
Janet: Already in the oven.
Doug: I love you.
Janet: I love you too, baby.

Arthur is visiting the hardware store.

Arthur: Hello? Anybody here? Young man? Do you work here?
Owen: Yeah, yeah. I'm coming. Hey, what's up?
Arthur: Catching a smoke back there, huh?
Owen: Um, yeah.
Arthur: I noticed you roll your own cigarettes. Must save you a bundle.
Owen: Yeah.
Arthur: A. Spooner.
Owen: Owen.
Arthur: Let me ask you this, Owen. How many types of screwdrivers do you carry here?
Owen: Uh, two. The regular kind, and uh, the other kind.
Arthur: I see. Now what if I told you there was a new product poised to set the screwdriver world on its ear? It's called the Arthur's Head. Would you have room on your shelves for something like that?
Owen: I guess so.
Arthur: That's the answer I was looking for.

Joe, Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting at the dining room table.

Doug: So long story short, we got to go in a half hour early tomorrow to take a test, just so the company can save like seven million bucks.
Deacon: And you think we're going to see any of that in our paychecks?
Doug: Don't think so.

Spence comes downstairs.

Spence: That is some nice hand lotion you have in the bathroom.
Joe: Oh, geez.
Deacon: Hey, Mrs. Heffernan, dinner was amazing.
Janet: Oh please. It's my pleasure.
Danny: Thanks, Aunt Janet.
Deacon: You guys want to head to Cooper's, play some pool?
Danny: Oh yeah. I'm in.
Deacon: Let's hurry up. Grab a table.
Doug: Let's get going.

Deacon, Spence, and Danny head into the kitchen. Doug gets stopped by Janet.

Janet: Dougie.
Doug: Yeah?
Janet: Shouldn't you be studying?
Doug: For what?
Janet: For your test. It's tomorrow.
Doug: I'll study later.
Janet: You know. You're not a great test taker.
Doug: It's a test about driving. I'm a driver.
Janet: Douglas, I feel very strongly that you should not go play pool with your friends right now.
Doug: Tough. I'm going.
Janet: Joe, would you say something?
Joe: What do you want from me?
Janet: I want you to put down your GD newspaper and tell your son to study!
Joe: Your mother wants you to study.
Doug: Would you guys get off my case?! I'm thirty-four and a half! God!

Everyone at IPS is ready for the test.

O'Boyle: All right. You got thirty minutes. After that, pencils down. No talking. No belching. This is serious business, people. All right, begin.

Everyone starts working on the test. Doug takes a look at the test and gets nervous. After a while goes by, Doug and one other guy are the only ones left still working on the test. Doug tilts his hat over his eyes, and pretends to lose his pencil on one side of the table so he can look off the other guy's paper.

O'Boyle: Heffernan!!
Doug: Yeah.

Doug comes home from work. Janet is in the kitchen.

Janet: Oh, hi Dougie! How was work?
Doug: Uh, it was good. I'm going to go upstairs and shower.
Janet: Wait. How did your test go?
Doug: Uh, well, uh. They canceled it.
Janet: Really? Why?
Doug: I don't know why. They didn't tell us. I mean, why are our trucks green? They don't tell us that either, OK? Got to go.

Joe is sitting reading a newspaper in the living room. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Oh! Good morning, Joseph. I see your chair's holding up well. Kudos on your craftsmanship.
Joe: Thanks.
Arthur: Anyway, remember the other day we were kicking around an idea about an alternate screwdriver?
Joe: What?
Arthur: I think you may have called it the Joe's Head.
Joe: That? I was joking.
Arthur: Well, then if someone were to develop a Joe's Head, or let's say an Ardinal's Head screwdriver, eh, you'd have no problem with that, huh?
Joe: Not really, no.
Arthur: Would you sign this document to that effect?
Joe: What's this?
Arthur: It's a standard release form.
Joe: I'm not signing this!
Arthur: Oh really. So I go out and do all the heavy lifting to get this thing to work, then you come in at the end, and claim all the profits, is that it?!
Joe: You're out of your mind.
Arthur: I've never been more in my mind.
Joe: You want me to sign this. All right. Buy me out. Ten bucks.
Arthur: Five.
Joe: Ten.
Arthur: Deal.

Doug has to load because he didn't pass the IPS test. Danny is giving him a hard time.

Danny: Say, you got all those packages sorted by priority code?
Doug: Yeah.
Danny: All right! I'll make a belt guy out of you yet!
Doug: Hey. I'm not a belt guy, OK? I'm a driver who's wearing a belt for three months.
Danny: OK, OK. Hey, Beltie!!

Deacon comes over.

Deacon: Hey, so how's my truck looking?
Doug: I need like ten more minutes.
Deacon: Let me know when it's done. I'm going to go grab some coffee.
Doug: All right, go have your precious coffee!
Deacon: Yo, what's up with you, man? I didn't make you fail the test.
Doug: No. But you know what? You were the one who said this whole thing was BS, and that we should go play pool. Now all of a sudden, you're driving, and I'm loading. Guess I'm just wondering how that all happened.
Deacon: I guess it happened because I'm not a moron, so I took five minutes to look at the manual.
Doug: Oh, Mr. O'Boyle, I love you. Especially, that part.
Deacon: I'm going to assume that's the belt talking, man.
Duke: Look at that, Heffernan. You finally got a bra for your belly.
Jimmy: Give him a break, huh? It's not easy for him. When I'm driving his truck!
Doug: You guys are pretty funny, you know that? You talk pretty tough, but you know what? I don't hear anybody talking crap up here on the loading dock. I don't see you up here, Applebaum.

Doug is in his bedroom. Janet knocks on the door.

Janet: Doug, shouldn't you be getting to work? Hey, why ain't you up yet?
Doug: I don't feel good.
Janet: What's wrong?
Doug: I'm coughing, I got chills, and I threw up in my throat a little.
Janet: You know, you feel a little warm. Maybe you should stay home from work.
Doug: OK.
Janet: Look, I'll make you some tea with honey. It'll help settle your stomach. Say aah.
Doug: Aah.
Janet: There you go.

Janet is in the kitchen. The phone rings.

Janet: Hello? Oh, hi Mr. O'Boyle. This is Doug's mother. Uh-huh. OK. He should call you and tell you where last month's T-11's are. Got it! Oh, he's fine. He should be back behind the wheel in a day or two. What? No, I was not aware of that.

Doug is watching TV.

TV: Don't go away! We'll be back with more of our Flintstones marathon after this!
Doug: Yabba dabba delightful.

There is a knock on the door.

Doug: Uh, come in.
Janet: Hello, dear. How was your toast?
Doug: I got, I got it down.
Janet: I just had a very interesting conversation with Mr. O'Boyle.
Doug: Oh God.
Janet: I want you to know, I am very disappointed in you. Not that you failed the test, but that you lied to me.
Doug: I'm, I'm sorry I lied, but it's your fault!
Janet: How is it my fault?!
Doug: You got in my head, telling me all that stuff about how I'm a bad test taker!
Janet: Did I tell you to go play pool with your buddies?!
Doug: No.
Joe: What's going on in here?
Janet: Joe, can I talk to you? In private?

Janet and Joe are in the hallway.

Joe: Why don't you leave him alone? He's sick.
Janet: He's not sick.
Joe: What do you mean he's not sick?
Janet: He failed that test he was taking.
Joe: Oh, for crying out loud!! How does a driver fail a driving test?!
Janet: Shh! Don't yell at him. You're only going to push him further away.
Joe: What is wrong with that kid?!
Janet: We had him tested, he's got a short attention span.
Joe: Ah, that's just a fancy way of saying that he's stupid!
Doug: Hearing you!!

The hardware store employee, Owen, is sitting behind the counter holding a bag of chips. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Ah, just the man I wanted to see!
Owen: Hey! What's up?
Arthur: I have something to show you vis a vis our conversation the other day.
Owen: What?
Arthur: Meet the future. The prototype of the Arthur's Head screwdriver.
Owen: Oh. Oh yeah.
Arthur: I fashioned it from an old typewriter key. You see, the letter 'A' on the screwdriver will fit into the corresponding 'A' hole in the Arthur's Head screw.
Owen: Cool.
Arthur: So, how many units would be an appropriate first order for an item of this magnitude?
Owen: I don't know.
Arthur: Ballpark.
Owen: Ten thousand?
Arthur: Really? My heart's beating like a rabbit! We'll be in touch! Ya haa!!

O'Boyle is holding a meeting with all the IPS employees.

O'Boyle: One other thing, you guys got to get your paper work straight. You want to get paid your over time, you got to fill out all three forms. The pink, the blue, and the green. Pink goes in my box, the blue goes upstairs, the green is for your files. For those of you with filing cabinets, which I'm guessing is not too many.

O'Boyle turns around and sees Janet standing behind him.

O'Boyle: Hello. Can I help you?
Janet: I'm just here to see Douglas. I'm his mother.
O'Boyle: Well, I'm done here. Back to work.
Doug: Ma, what are you doing here?!
Janet: You forgot your lunch.
Doug: I got to run, OK?!
Janet: OK, fine. See you for dinner.
Doug: NO!!
Janet: Fine. Goodbye.

Doug puts his lunch in his locker. O'Boyle walks past Janet, and she turns around and follows him into his office.

Doug: MOM!!! NO!!!

Doug and Janet are in O'Boyle's office.

Janet: The thing is, I don't think Doug's performance on the test is really indicative of what he's capable of.
O'Boyle: I hope not. He got the lowest score in the burrow.
Janet: Is there any way that Doug could take that test again?
O'Boyle: I don't know. He's really supposed to wait three months.
Janet: Mr. O'Boyle, do you have children?
O'Boyle: A couple of boys. Seventeen and two.
Janet: Well then, you must understand, as a parent, what this is like. Sometimes children lose their way and they need a helping hand, you know? And I'm sure that you would want someone to do it for your boys.
O'Boyle: Yeah. Well, maybe I could work something out, but if he fails the test again, I'm screwed to the wall.
Janet: Believe me. Doug will not take the test so lightly this time. Will you, Doug?
Doug: I won't.
Janet: You won't what?
Doug: I won't take the test so lightly this time.

Janet is quizzing Doug for his test. Joe is sitting on the couch reading.

Janet: What is the minimum tread depth for tires?
Doug: Four thirty seconds of an inch for the front tires, two thirty seconds of an inch for the rear.
Janet: Very good! You're getting there, kiddo!

Deacon, Danny, and Spence come in.

Deacon: Hey, we're going to Earl's to shoot some hoops.
Janet: Doug?
Doug: I got to study.
Deacon: All right. Hey, later man.
Spence: Oh, hey. Could I use your bathroom real quick?
Joe: Oh, here we go again.
Spence: You know? OK, that's it. You know, look. I didn't know you were home that day. All right? Victoria Principal was on the cover of TV Guide. Don't define me by one moment of weakness. Let me live!
Joe: I'm sorry. You're right, son. I apologize.
Spence: Thank you. Um, well is it cool if I use the bathroom?
Joe: I'd rather you didn't.

Doug goes over to the window and watches the guys get in the car.

Danny: Loser buys the wings!
Deacon: It'll be you, sucker.
Spence: Shotgun!

Janet calls Doug over.

Janet: Come on, we got more to do! OK, where were we? Ah. Chapter Four. Load management.

The phone rings.

Janet: Hello? I'm sorry, Doug can't talk on the phone. Because he can't socialize until he's finished studying for his test. You'll have to call back. All right, where were we? Chapter Four.

The phone rings again.

Janet: Hello?
Carrie: Can I speak to my husband, please?
Janet: All right. It's Carrie. Make it quick.
Doug: Hey.

Doug walks into the kitchen.

Carrie: You can't socialize?
Doug: Yeah. She's just mad at me cause I failed my IPS test and she had to go in there and get O'Boyle to give me another shot and now she won't let me play basketball with the guys cause I got to study. It sucks.
Carrie: What the hell is going on over there?
Doug: Please come home.

Two months later, Arthur is in the basement making Arthur's Head screwdrivers.