Carrie: Oh my God, oh my God!
Arthur: What?
Carrie: A roach! It was near the refrigerator, oh my God! It just went under it!
Arthur: That's not a roach. That's a baby frog.
Carrie: Dad, I think I know what a roach looks like. Doug!
Arthur: That was a baby frog. I used to race them down in Cajun country.
Carrie: Would you stop it? Doug!

Doug comes in the kitchen.

Doug: What?
Arthur: There's a baby frog in the house.
Carrie: It's a roach!
Arthur: Ah, you don't know your ass from your elbow.
Doug: Well, where is it?
Carrie: Oh, it was near the refrigerator. Oh, there he is! There he is! Kill him! Kill him!
Doug: How about you just get some Raid?
Carrie: OK. OK.
Doug: Hurry up!
Carrie: I'm looking!
Doug: Come on, I got him cornered here.
Carrie: Here, here.
Doug: OK, this is oven cleaner.
Carrie: We don't have Raid! Just, just spray him! Ooh, is he dead?
Doug: I can't tell. But he's blind, and he's sizzling.
Carrie: OK, OK, just pick him up, pick him up.
Doug: All right, OK. All right, I got him. Oh God, he's big. OK, here. Aaah.
Carrie: Don't! Stop it, stop! There's probably a whole village of them under there, and it's all your fault.
Doug: What?
Carrie: Yeah, when you broke the Snapple bottle. I told you, you have to pull the refrigerator out, and clean underneath it.
Doug: OK, you know what? I broke that bottle a year ago. For the love of God, move on.
Carrie: It's not funny. We're probably infested!
Doug: Do it tomorrow.
Carrie: No, I'm going to find them in my bed tonight! Do it now!
Doug: Shh. Shh. You're trembling.
Carrie: Cut it out.
Doug: Shh. Mm.
Carrie: Stop it.
Doug: It's OK.
Carrie: What are you doing? What are you?
Doug: What am I doing? I'm calming you with my manly caresses.
Carrie: Doug, if you think sex is going to get you out of this, you are very, very wrong.
Doug: And yet I'm going to go for it anyway.
Carrie: I'm very annoyed at you, you know?
Doug: And that only arouses me. And you know what else? I left a wet towel on the bathroom floor, that's pretty annoying, huh?
Carrie: Actually, that really is.
Doug: Come on. Carry me upstairs and have your way with me. Just lift with your legs.

Deacon is getting ready to go to work.

Spence: Deac?
Deacon: Yeah.
Spence: Hey, can I whip you up a breakfast burrito?
Deacon: No thanks.
Spence: Denver omelet?
Deacon: Nope. I'm, I'm good.
Spence: Blinses?
Deacon: Still no.

The doorbell rings.

Spence: Hey, how did that massage pillow work out for you last night?
Deacon: Great. Um, thanks.
Spence: Hey, getting tossed out by your wife is tough enough. I mean, you don't want to replace one pain in the neck with the other one. Am I right? Huh? Who's with me?
Deacon: Answer the door.
Spence: Hey man!
Doug: Hey.
Spence: Hey, you got time for some breakfast?
Deacon: Uh, no! We got to get to work or all the good trucks are going to be taken.
Spence: Oh, gotcha. Oh hey, any idea when you'll be back? Cause uh, I was going to rent Blues Brothers 2000. Director's Cut!
Deacon: It's brutal in there!
Doug: Ah, come on. He means well.
Deacon: He's smothering me! You know what he did last night? He drew me a bath. Drew me a bath.
Doug: I had sex last night. Unscheduled.

Carrie comes home from work to find the kitchen table messy.

Carrie: Idiot. OW!
Doug: Hey, how was work? That was very reckless.
Carrie: You leave the refrigerator in the middle of the kitchen.
Doug: Excuse me! I was just doing what you asked me to do. Then the phone rang. I got distracted.
Carrie: What happens when the doorbell rings? You wet yourself?
Doug: Ah, that's very clever, Carrie! Cause nervous disorders are funny! All right, now I know!
Carrie: Apparently, putting the milk away was too much for you, even though the fridge is now one inch from the table!
Doug: The phone rang!!
Carrie: You know, I broke a nail putting it back!
Doug: So buy another one.
Carrie: You know, Doug. You always give me this excuse crap, and it drives me insane! I had to go to work, the game was on, I smelled cheese! I mean, are you incredibly lazy, or do you, do you just hate me?
Doug: Sixty forty.
Carrie: Ha-ha. Jerk.
Doug: Oh, come on!
Carrie: Would you just go down there and finish? God! I'm exhausted. I'm just, I'm going to go to bed.
Doug: Come on, Carrie. I'm sorry. OK? I'm a bad boy. Punish me.
Carrie: Leave me alone.
Doug: Come on! Let's do stuff. Made you feel better last night, right?
Carrie: Oh my God, oh my God! I just read an article about exactly what we're doing!
Doug: Really? Were there pictures?
Carrie: No. It was about couples who, who substitute sex for communication.
Doug: Uh-huh. Uh-huh.
Carrie: That's what we do.
Doug: Right. Right. Take your pants off.
Carrie: Doug! Think about it! Last night, I was upset with you about the fridge, and how did it end up? With sex. And then we were just about to do the same thing tonight.
Doug: Well, it's better than fighting, isn't it?
Carrie: But Doug, it's not just when we're fighting. We fall back on sex all the time. When we're mad, when we're happy, when there's nothing good on TV.
Doug: So?
Carrie: So, the article said if couples do not explore other aspects of their relationship, it could hurt their marriage. You know, down the line.
Doug: Carrie, believe me. I would never do anything to hurt what we have, ever. Now offy with the pants.
Carrie: What are you? Benny Hill over here?! Can we have a conversation about this, please?
Doug: Fine! So we fall back on sex once in a while. What the hell can we do about it?
Carrie: Well, it's funny that you should ask. The author of the article, whom is a psychologist, by the way, suggests that couples take a rest bit, which means rest. From sex. While they explore other areas of their relationship.
Doug: OK, fair enough. Fair enough. Now I just read an article in Penthouse by a sexologist.
Carrie: Doug. Could you take this seriously, please.
Doug: I'm sorry, but this is crazy, Carrie! I mean, yesterday everything was fine, and today you're telling me we have too much sex. I mean, most people would die for that problem!
Carrie: Oh really? Really? Deacon and Kelly had sex all the time. And now their marriage is a mess.
Doug: OK, but you don't know that too much sex was the reason.
Carrie: No, but I know that something was obviously missing there. And now it might be too late to fix it. Do you want that to happen to us?
Doug: Of course not. All right. So how long will this no sex thing be for?
Carrie: Two weeks.
Doug: Two weeks!!
Carrie: That's what the article said!
Doug: Well, why did you have to go and read in the first place, you show off?!
Carrie: Doug, come on. It's not that bad. We've gone two weeks before.
Doug: Maybe you have.
Carrie: Come on. It's not that long. And look, we'll channel all that extra energy into making the rest of our relationship better. And at the end of the two weeks, the forbidden fruit will taste that much sweeter, don't you think?
Doug: UGH. OK. I'm on board.
Carrie: Thank you. I love you.
Doug: I tell you. I just wish I'd known about this ban before last night's sex. I really would have concentrated more.
Carrie: Doug?
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: Get out of there.

Arthur is eating dinner with a lady named Judy.

Judy: You have a lovely home, Artie. I really like it.
Arthur: Thank you. That's nice. Tell me, have you had tuberculosis long?
Judy: Oh, Artie. You're caution.
Arthur: Oh, my children are home. Excuse me. Hey kids! This is Judy!
Judy: Hi there.
Doug: Hello.
Carrie: Nice to meet you.
Arthur: Douglas, very discreetly, I need you to set the drapes on fire.
Doug: Aw, things aren't going so well, huh?
Arthur: It's torture. She's diseased, and incredibly boring. Be right with you, dear. Can you help me out, huh?
Doug: Sorry. I got my own problems, guy.

Doug goes upstairs to the bedroom.

Doug: Wow, your dad's really in agony down there, huh?
Carrie: Oh yeah. That Judy is a rough stretch of highway, huh?
Doug: Actually, if she wasn't his date, I'd be jumping her as we speak.
Carrie: Come on. We're doing great without sex! We had a nice dinner, we saw a good movie.
Doug: It was a good movie. So now we're home.
Carrie: Now we're home.
Doug: What to do. What to do.
Carrie: Hey, why don't we just talk?
Doug: Talk?
Carrie: Yeah, why not?
Doug: All right, let's talk our brains out.
Carrie: All right! Here we go. Let's talk.
Doug: Going to do some talking. Conversa-she-on!

Arthur is still not enjoying hanging out with Judy.

Arthur: You know, the faster you eat it, the better it tastes. That's their slogan, actually.
Judy: What brand is it?
Arthur: Fast Cake. I beg your pardon. Oh, it's 9:30. The witching hour.
Judy: Well, maybe for you. Me, I can stay up all night. I'm used to serving drinks until five in the morning.
Arthur: Really. How fascinating. I'll get your coat.
Judy: Yup. You had to be on your toes when you served the big boys.
Arthur: Sure.
Judy: Like, take Sinatra for example. You got the drink order wrong for him, next thing you knew, you were wearing it.
Arthur: You, you served drinks to Frank Sinatra?
Judy: Oh, I served him a lot more than drinks. Good night, Artie. Thanks for the laughs.
Arthur: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! We're talking about Frank Sinatra Senior here, right?
Judy: Ol' Blue Eyes himself.
Arthur: Well then where the hell are you going, baby?

Doug and Carrie are eating breakfast.

Carrie: What about politics? We never talk about politics.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: OK. Politics.
Doug: I'll take politics for 200, Alex.
Carrie: All right, I'll get the party started here. Uh, in the last election, how did you vote on Prop. 17?
Doug: Uh, I voted no.
Carrie: Really? Why?
Doug: Well I, I vote with a system. No, yes, no, yes, no, yes.
Carrie: So you just alternate.
Doug: Yes, that's my system.
Carrie: Right.
Doug: Uh, how about you?
Carrie: I voted yes. I voted yes. Yeah. At least I think I did. Unless I left a hanging check.
Doug: Oh right, cause, that's the thing.
Carrie: Right.

The doorbell rings at Spence's apartment.

Deacon: It's open!
Doug: Hey man.
Deacon: Hey man! Spence, it's Doug!
Spence: Hey Doug! Hey, I'm making Deacon a grilled cheese sandwich, you want one?
Doug: No. I'm, I'm good.
Deacon: Yo, bring him one of those international beers! And one for me too!
Spence: You got it, bro!
Deacon: You the man!
Doug: What the hell's going on here? Why is he the man now?
Deacon: I don't know, man. At a certain point, I just said, why fight it? You know what? It's fantastic. I mean, he cooks for me, he cleans up after me, he's like my own little Gilligan.
Doug: Great. Glad one of our relationships is clicking.
Spence: Hey, Doug! What's up, man? All right, here is your bottle of Layman Bourd.
Deacon: Thank you.
Spence: And Doug, I brought you Adeeka. That is a pale ale from French Guiana.
Doug: You got Schmidt's?
Spence: Oh man. Try it. It's smooth.
Deacon: What's going on man? Uh, you and Carrie having some problems?
Spence: Aw, man, what's the matter?
Doug: Aw man. It's brutal. She decided she wanted to ban sex for two weeks.
Deacon: With you, or with anybody?
Spence: Oh no, you didn't!
Doug: Oh, right, will you idiots shut up?! I got a real problem here!
Deacon: I'm sorry man. So um, she banned sex?
Doug: A week ago. Yeah, she said it keeps us from quote, communicating. So we, we tried to communicate, and guess what? We got nothing. Zippo.
Spence: What?
Doug: It's true. I mean, without sex, my marriage is like a bad first date. Except this one, I can't just ditch at the diner.
Spence: Look, look, don't worry about it, man. I mean, you got to work at it. Deac and I just didn't come together overnight.
Deacon: Hey. Good cooking don't hurt.
Spence: Stop it.
Deacon: You can't stop the truth. You punish that kitchen.
Spence: A little encouragement doesn't hurt. This guy, what am I going to do with him? No, you.
Deacon: You.
Doug: Goodbye.

Doug comes home from Spence's.

Doug: Oh crap. There's another one. How would you like me to come out from under the fridge and ruin your sex life?
Arthur: Douglas, I hate to interrupt what seems to be some kind of irky, jerky dance, but I was wondering if you happen to have any oysters on the half shell.
Doug: Not on me, no. What's going on?
Arthur: I got my lady friend downstairs, and I'm this close to closing the deal.
Doug: What are you talking about? I thought you hated her.
Arthur: That was before I found out she's been intimate with Mr. Frank Sinatra.
Doug: So?
Arthur: So? Don't you get it? If I get in there, it's like I've been with Sinatra.
Doug: You do realize he's a man.
Judy: Arthur!
Arthur: On my way, you cuckoo broad!

Carrie comes home.

Carrie: Hey!
Doug: Hey.
Carrie: Honey, this is the answer to our problem.
Doug: "101 Ways to Make Love without Doing It."
Carrie: I got that on campus today.
Doug: Yay.
Carrie: OK. Here we go. You ready? All right. Number One. "Tell the other person you love them." Doug, I love you.
Doug: I love you too, Carrie. That was great. I need a cigarette.
Carrie: OK. Moving on. Number Two. "Give or get a hug." All righty. "Start a scrapbook." OK. "Give each other pet names." "Play footsie." Oh! That might be fun. Let's play footsie.
Doug: All right.
Carrie: All right, here we go.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: OK, I guess footsie pretty much has to be a spontaneous thing.
Doug: Yeah, and even then, eh.
Carrie: OK. Number Eight. Kiss.
Doug: Kiss? That's a good one. Let's kiss.
Carrie: OK. It's like we're teenagers again, right?
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: OK. All right. Should I keep my eyes open or closed?
Doug: Couldn't care less.
Carrie: OK. Come on. Come on!! Are you on board with this or not?!
Doug: Yes! That's how I kiss! Fine, you know what? I'm, I'm not on board with this, all right? I mean, I finally figured out what our problem is!
Carrie: What?
Doug: We had no problem! That's the problem! Our relationship was great until you banned sex!
Carrie: No, Doug. We were avoiding communication.
Doug: No we weren't. We were, Carrie, can I tell you a little story?
Carrie: Sure.
Doug: It's about a tasty beverage named Coca-Cola, invented sometime in the 1600's. Anyway it was sweet, it was refreshing, stores couldn't keep it in stock. Kids wanted it like Wonka bars, and times were good.
Carrie: Is this your way of telling me we're running out of Coke?
Doug: No, it's not! Although we are running low, so you might want to get on that. Anyway, can I finish my story please? So one day, one of the, and bologna. Get bologna. One day, one of the geniuses, working at the Coke factory, probably after reading an article, said to himself, you know what? I want to make Coke better. And you want to know what they came out with? New Coke. Or, as I like to call it, Syrupy Piss Water.
Carrie: You finished a pound of bologna? I just bought that.
Doug: OK, you're not listening to me! OK? The point is, it was sliced very thin.
Carrie: But it's still a pound!
Doug: Can I bring my point home?!
Carrie: Yes.
Doug: The point is, that's what you're doing with our relationship. You're screwing around with the formula. And you, you don't have to! It's great what we have.
Carrie: I don't, I just felt like we needed to talk more.
Doug: We talk all the time! We just, we don't talk about library propositions. We talk about food, what's on TV, we make fun of strangers, and damn it! It works. She works.
Carrie: You know what? That's it. I'm not reading anymore.
Doug: There you go! OK. So is this, is this over?
Carrie: It's over.
Doug: Huh, thank God! Now we can get back to talking like normal people again. Welcome back, fornica-she-on!

Deacon and Spence are in their apartment.