Carrie: Hey, it's almost 11:00. You ready to go?
Doug: Shh.
Carrie: Doug, you've seen this a hundred times.
Doug: Shh.
Carrie: We're late.
Doug: Shh, shh, shh. Ha, ha, ha.
Carrie: Hey, the tortoise beat Bugs Bunny. Who would have thunk it?
Doug: Hey, it's not about who wins. It's the journey. Hey, is this for me?
Carrie: OK, we are on our way to see Deacon and Kelly's new baby, and the paper says baby all over it, but yes, it's
for you.
Doug: Do you have to build yourself up by tearing me down?
Carrie: Yes. Now let's go!
Doug: Whoa, whoa, whoa. What about for Kirby?
Carrie: Huh?
Doug: Aren't you supposed to get something for the other kid when the new kid is born? So he doesn't get jealous
and poke the baby in the soft spot?
Carrie: You're right. Shoot. You know what? We don't have time to stop, maybe I can find him something in our
stash of crappy gifts people gave us!
Doug: This opens up? Wow.
Carrie: OK. Let me see what we got here for the little fella. A bottle of Harbee's Driscoll Cream, that's wrong.
Arthur: Well, time for work. The pretzel store awaits.
Doug: Off to the salt mines, huh?
Arthur: I don't follow.
Doug: It's just an expression. Plus, you work at a pretzel store. Pretzels have salt.
Arthur: Well, that's ten seconds of my life I'm never getting back.
Carrie: Hey, uh Dad? What's with the briefcase?
Arthur: Oh. Just picked up a few things at the Five n' Dime to make my workspace more enjoyable. I've got this
Garfield paperweight, some fake doggy poop, and this uh, novelty troll statue with purple hair.
Carrie: Oh, Dad, that's great. I'll give you five bucks for this.
Arthur: Fifty.
Carrie: You want fifty bucks for this.
Arthur: You seemed very eager.
Carrie: OK. This is a troll, and I am your daughter.
Arthur: I know the difference.
Carrie: Five bucks.
Doug: Whoa, whoa, whoa. How much for the poop?
Arthur: Not for sale.

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie and Doug are visiting Deacon and Kelly.

Carrie: Oh, he's so small. Although he probably felt like a holiday ham when you had to squeeze him out, huh?
Kelly: Girl, you know I was numb from the eyebrows down.
Doug: So uh, Major, huh?
Deacon: Yup. That was my grandfather's name too. Major Palmer.
Doug: I like it. It's very dignified, like Colonel Sanders, or Captain Crunch.
Deacon: It's my kid.
Doug: Sorry.
Kelly: Deacon, honey? Can you bring me a cloth diaper?
Deacon: You got it. Here you go.
Kelly: Thanks, baby.
Doug: HO! Feeding time.
Carrie: What's the matter, Doug?
Doug: What? Nothing. What? Nothing.
Kelly: Oh, I'm sorry, Doug. Is this making you uncomfortable?
Doug: What? That? Are you kidding me? That's natural. You know? In fact, hey Major, save some for me.
Kelly: You can relax, Doug. He's not even hungry.
Deacon: Hey, listen. We wanted to talk to you guys about something.
Carrie: Sure. What's up?
Deacon: Well, Major's christening's coming up, and part of that is we have to pick godparents for him.
Kelly: And we've been going crazy this week trying to figure out you know, should they be relatives, friends, older,
younger, I mean, should they be black, should they have kids of their own. You know, all that kind of stuff. Anyway...
Deacon: We picked you guys.
Carrie: Us? Really?
Doug: Wow. That's, wow!
Carrie: We are so touched.
Deacon: It's a symbolic thing, mostly. You know. Being at all the special occasions, that kind of stuff.
Carrie: Uh-huh.
Kelly: Well, and there's one other thing.
Carrie: What?
Kelly: Well, you know, if anything happens to me and Deacon, you'd sort of step in and raise the boys.
Carrie: Oh. Uh-huh.
Deacon: So, you want to think about it for a while, or...
Doug: What are you kidding me? Sign us up!
Deacon: Yeah?!
Doug: Yeah, man! We are in! In like Flynn, or Flint, whichever. Come on.
Carrie: Yeah! Yeah!
Deacon: That's great.
Kelly: Thank you guys so much.
Doug: Thank us. Thank you! Get in here. God!

Arthur is at work at the Pretzel Store in the Queens Center.

Neal: OK, yeah. I'll be there in the morning. Hey Kenny. I got a problem with my other store. Can you run the show
here for a couple of days?
Kenny: Uh, I don't think so. I got band practice all this week. You know, and they if said we're really good, there's a
chance we mi-
Neal: Great story. Thanks. Rita? Think you could run the place for a few days? Yes?
Rita: Yes?
Neal: Never mind. Arthur.
Arthur: Yes, sir?
Neal: All right, Arthur. At ease. Look. I'm going to be out for a few days. I'm going to put you in charge, all right?
Arthur: Really? Thank you, sir. I appreciate the vote of confidence. I assure you I'll rise to the challenge.
Neal: Yeah, all right, whatever. Just make sure you keep everything running normally.
Arthur: Hold on. Everything running, what was it?
Neal: Normally.
Arthur: Normally. Got it.

Doug and Carrie have come home, and Carrie is mad at Doug.

Doug: Look, I'm sorry, Carr. I don't know what you want me to say.
Carrie: I just don't understand why you were so quick to say yes!
Doug: I don't know! I guess I was just honored that they asked us. It seemed like a nice compliment.
Carrie: Compliment? When someone says you have nice eyes, that's a compliment. When they say, will you raise
our kids if we're ever squashed, that's something to think about for five minutes!
Doug: All right, is this tuna fish or cake?
Carrie: Doug. Can you focus please?
Doug: What? I'm focused.
Carrie: OK. What if, God forbid, something did happen to Deacon and Kelly. Are you really ready to raise two kids?
Doug: Nothing's going to happen to them.
Carrie: What if, God forbid, something did?!
Doug: Nothing will!
Carrie: No? No? Do you want to tell the kids on "Party of Five" that?
Doug: Touche. OK. All right, well, you know what, if God forbid, something happened to them, I guess we just have
to deal with it.
Carrie: Well, that's a lot to deal with!
Doug: I know, but if God forbid-
Carrie: All right, you know what? Let's ease up on the God forbids. Second of all, I got to tell you, I don't know if I'm
ready to raise somebody else's children!
Doug: You're ready!
Carrie: No! Doug, having kids of our own is scary to me! I mean, if we have two kids, and then we get their two kids,
that's four. Four human beings whose futures are in our hands all at once. That's a massive responsibility! Plus, all
the noise.
Doug: Look. I'll tell you what. If something happens to Deacon and Kelly, I'll take full responsibility for the kids. OK?
I'll feed them, I'll bathe them, everything. All me.
Carrie: Like the dog?
Doug: All right, yeah, that's not going to work. All right. All right, I don't know what to do cause we already said yes.
Carrie: No. You said yes. In like flint, in like flint!
Doug: All right. You see, you really wouldn't be good with children. You're mean.
Carrie: All right, so what are we going to do here?
Doug: Well, if it's up to me, I'd go through with it, all right? Well, if you don't want to, we just have to go back over
there tomorrow and, and tell them.
Carrie: Oi. That's going to be a fun night. Hey! Remember that thing about raising your kids if they're ever orphaned,
and helpless? Well, got to give you a big, fat no. Buh-bye.
Doug: It's meatloaf.

The next day, Doug and Carrie go to Deacon and Kelly's.

Deacon: Hi!
Doug & Carrie: Hi.
Kelly: Hey, Major. Look who's here! It's your godparents.
Carrie: No, it's OK. Just call us Doug and Carrie.
Kelly: So what's going on? What are you guys doing here?
Carrie: Oh, we're just uh, coming back from a thing. Just thought we'd stop by and say hi.
Deacon: Oh great!
Doug: Yeah, but we can't stay long cause we got another thing right after this.
Carrie: Yeah, just one thing after another.
Deacon: Hey, as long as the baby's up, let's grab a picture!
Kelly: Oh, great idea!
Carrie: No, because my hair is-
Deacon: Kirby! Doug and Carrie are here!
Kirby: Yay!
Doug: YAY! Yeah.
Kelly: Everybody say godparents!
Doug & Carrie: Godparents.
Kelly: Oh great. We'll make you a copy. You guys want an 8 by 10?
Doug: Uh no. That's way too big.
Carrie: Yeah, yeah. Small one. Small one. So as long as we're here, um, kind of need to talk to you guys about
something.
Kelly: Sure, what's up?
Doug: Well, first of all, right off the bat, let me just tell you something. We love your kids.
Carrie: Love them.
Doug: Love them. I mean, this one here. He's a champ, and Major, even though we don't know him too well yet, uh,
gives off a good vibe.
Carrie: Yeah.
Doug: Good, good vibe.
Carrie: Yeah, plus you can feel it.
Doug: He's already got a nice head of hair too.
Carrie: Beautiful, very natural.
Deacon: Thanks.
Doug: The thing is that, uh, we just kind of got our hands full, what with Arthur...
Carrie: Oh, he is a full time job, that one.
Doug: Yeah.
Carrie: Plus, we may have kids of our own soon, so...
Doug: Yes, yes. We may. You know, this one's such a ding bat about taking her pill, I'll tell you.
Deacon: So, uh, What are you saying?
Doug: Um, I guess what we're saying is that, hey, Regis Philbin! This guy's on fire, huh?
Kelly: So you don't want to be the godparents.
Carrie: Look, Kel, I'm sorry, but you know how we feel about you guys, and if something were to happen, it would
just be way too much for us.
Kelly: OK. I mean, I understand.
Deacon: It's just you seemed so enthusiastic the other night.
Doug: Hey, I had a whole sleeve of Oreos. I was flying. Sorry, Deac.
Deacon: You know, it's cool. I mean, I guess it was kind of a heavy thing we put on you guys.
Kelly: Seriously, guys. It's really OK.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: Good.
Doug: Here you go.
Carrie: There you go.

Arthur is at work.

Arthur: Here you go. For my newest innovation, the frequent buyer card. You buy ten pretzels, you get one free. Nine
x's to go.
Kenny: Um, Arthur. I've been meaning to tell you. Don't you think you should punch like a pretzel shaped hole or
something when they buy a pretzel instead of just making an X with a pen cause you know, people have their own
pens.
Arthur: I don't think I like, nor do I completely understand what you're getting at. But I know a mutiny when I see one.
Kenny: No, no, I'm just saying that-
Arthur: Save your speech for the unemployment line!! You're through here!! Now beat it.
Kenny: All right.
Arthur: Rita, you saw that. He lunged at me.

Doug and Carrie are driving to Major's christening.

Doug: So how are they running this christening? Do you think there will be some food beforehand? Cause if there
isn't, there's a Nathan's coming up on Union Turnpike.
Carrie: Do you think our gift is good enough? I mean, I know we got a $200 bomb, but everybody knows you pay a
$100 for it, it's not like we're fooling anyone.
Doug: What do you say? A couple franks? I'm buying.
Carrie: It's 9 AM!
Doug: Hey, they are open, all right? It's not like I'm a freak or anything.
Carrie: OK. Do want you want. So, did, um, did Deacon mention who they picked as the new godparents yet?
Doug: Yup. Bill and Robin Gilliard.
Carrie: The insurance guy and his wife?
Doug: Right.
Carrie: Huh. Interesting. They're nice.
Doug: They're very nice.
Carrie: Wouldn't be my first choice.
Doug: Wasn't theirs either.
Carrie: Yeah.

Carrie and Doug have arrived at the church.

Doug: How, how can a hot dog place be out of sauerkraut? It's, it's what they do!
Carrie: Let it go, babe.
Deacon: Hey guys!
Carrie: Hey, Deac!
Kelly: Hey you guys.
Carrie: Hi!
Kelly: How are you? You know Bill and Robin Gilliard.
Carrie: Hi.
Bill: Sure. We met at Kirby's birthday party last year. You were the guy who broke the pinata, right?
Doug: Kids got three swings each. Someone had to step in there and make it happen, huh?
Kelly: Deacon, your aunt is signing her name to other people's gifts again.
Deacon: Oh boy. Excuse us?
Carrie: So, I hear you're going to be godparents. Good for you.
Robin: Thank you.
Carrie: Mm-hmm. Got to tell you. I give you a lot of credit. Lot of credit. If it was me, I would be petrified at the
thought of raising somebody else's kids. But you probably love children, right?
Robin: To tell you the truth, I've never really been that much of a kid person.
Carrie: No kidding. Huh.
Doug: So, I'm taping the Nebraska game, so if you hear anything, don't, don't say a word.
Bill: Not to worry. But I'm taping Charles Osgood, so if you hear anything, don't say a word.
Doug: So, you don't uh, you don't watch much college football, huh?
Bill: No. Not really.
Doug: Pros?
Bill: Well, I was invited to a Super Bowl party a few years ago. That was a lot of fun.
Doug: Yeah. Hey, how about last year's Super Bowl? Elway, wow, huh? John Elway?
Bill: Sorry. I don't know who that is.
Doug: What?
Carrie: So if something were to happen, God forbid, you probably got a pretty big house, right?
Robin: Mm, just an apartment.
Carrie: Three bedrooms, four bedrooms, come on, what do you got?
Robin: Two.
Carrie: Hm.
Doug: Mets?
Bill: Well, I find baseball a little boring.
Doug: How about basketball?
Bill: A bunch of pituitary cases trying to stuff a ball through a hoop? No thank you.
Doug: Golf? Rugby? Come on, Bill, give me something.
Bill: Well, I like to watch swimming.
Doug: HMMMMM.
Carrie: So come on, you don't like kids, you have a small apartment, what's up?
Robin: Nothing is up.
Carrie: Well, why did you say yes? What, what's your angle?
Robin: We have no angle. We're just doing what any decent people would do for their friends.
Carrie: Oh. Right.

Arthur is at work. There is a long line of people waiting to get pretzels.

Arthur: Who's next?
Tony: Oh, hey, free pretzel. With honey mustard dip.
Arthur: You were just here, weren't you?
Tony: Me? No.
Arthur: Yes, you were. You know, I'm wise to you. I'm wise to all of you! Marking the X's on the cards yourselves!
Very clever!
Tony: Thank you.
Arthur: Well, let me tell you all something. I may not be hip or with it, like you kids, I may not listen to your Tom
Jones or your Dave Clark Five. But at least, I know when I put my head on my pillow tonight, I'll sleep soundly. And
you know why? It's because I'll know that you kids have been dunking your stolen pretzels in my very special dipping
sauces. Oh yeah.

The christening has started, and Doug and Carrie are doubting their decision not to be Major and Kirby's godparents.

Reverend Brown: Lord God, in baptism, we died with Christ to rise again in him.
Carrie: We are horrible, horrible people.
Doug: They really ought to have backup sauerkraut.
Carrie: Doug.
Doug: What?
Carrie: The Gilliards are no better prepared for this then we are, and yet they didn't even hesitate to open up their
life for these kids. Why didn't we open up our life?
Doug: Hey, I wanted to open up our life. You wanted to keep our life closed.
Carrie: You know what? Let's just do this.
Doug: What?
Carrie: I changed my mind. I want us to be Major's godparents. Go tell Deacon.
Doug: What? No, Carrie. I can't. The whole thing's already happening.
Carrie: He's right there. Just go tell him.
Doug: Carrie, it's too late.
Carrie: It's not too late. They didn't even dunk the kid yet.
Doug: Even so, all right? I can't go up there.
Carrie: Doug, if we don't do this, we will feel guilty for the rest of our lives. I mean, we're their best friends, we should
be the godparents.
Doug: Well, I was a little rattled when Bill told me he didn't know who John Elway was.
Carrie: Huh? Huh? And you want that freak raising our kids? Go, go tell him. Go, they're next!
Doug: OK! Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me, oh, sorry about that. Hey Deac! Hey Deac! I need to talk to you!
Deacon: What is it?
Doug: Look. We changed our minds. We want to take your children when you die. God forbid.
Deacon: What are you talking about? We already started here.
Doug: I know. We made a mistake. We want to do it.
Deacon: Just sit down.
Doug: Bill doesn't know who Elway is.
Deacon: Sit down.
Carrie: What? Oh for God sake. Excuse me. Pardon me. Ooh, nice hat. What happened?
Deacon: He said it was too late.
Carrie: It's not too late. Watch out. Hey! Hey!
Kelly: What?
Carrie: We want to be the godparents again.
Kelly: Carrie, this is not a good time.
Carrie: I know, but Kel, you said it yourselves, we're the best people for the job. And you know what? You're not
invincible. Something could happen.
Doug: God, God forbid.
Deacon: I'd never been that excited about the Gilliards.
Kelly: You haven't?
Deacon: No.
Kelly: Well, then why did you agree to them?
Deacon: I thought you were crazy about them.
Kelly: Eh, they're OK.
Deacon: Look, well, tell them they're out and that Doug and Carrie are in.
Kelly: Get out of here! You tell them.
Deacon: She's your friend. I really just know them through you.
Carrie: OK. You want me to tell them?
Deacon: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Kelly: Deacon!!
Deacon: I'll go.
Doug: Kelly, I just want you to know. We'll raise the kids as Jets or Giants fans, whichever you want.
Kelly: That is comforting.
Deacon: Bill. Give me the baby.

Carrie and Doug are driving home from Major's christening.