Doug: Should I get that?
Carrie: Nah, let the machine get it.
Machine: Hello, you've reached the home of Doug, Carrie, and yours truly, Arthur. If this is Herb, I already left for the movie. Don't bring any of those crummy sandwiches cause I got chicken. I'll meet you in the theater in the front row. That's right. You heard me. The front row. Didn't think I had the nuts to stand up to you, did you? Well, I'm not going to be your whipping boy anymore! It's a new day, my friend, so you better get used to it! Anyone else, please leave a message.

Doug and Carrie are in the kitchen. The radio is playing.

Radio: It's 7:30 in the morning!! *bell rings, person screams, drum beats, person burps*

Carrie turns off the radio.

Doug: What? Come on, it's funny.
Carrie: I hate our bathroom.
Doug: That's what you were sitting there thinking?
Carrie: It's just so bathroomy, you know? With that block tile, and those horrible curtains. Don't you think?
Doug: There are curtains?
Carrie: Yes, there are curtains. They're peach, and they're ugly. You know what? Come look with me. I will show you what I mean.
Doug: Carrie, I was just in there for a very long time. I've got to get to work. They're sticking me with a trainee today. I can't be late.
Carrie: All right. Maybe I'll stop off and look at some new tile or paint. What do you think of like a taupe? You can go now.
Doug: I love you.

Doug leaves. Arthur comes in.

Arthur: Well, I got eight months to die.
Carrie: You uh, I'm sorry, what?
Arthur: I was at the cemetery, paying my respects to one of your stepmothers, and I happened to look at my headstone.
Carrie: You have a headstone?
Arthur: Yeah. I prepaid for it twenty years ago to save money. It says, Arthur Spooner, 1926-19 blank blank. They already carved in the 19, so unless I die by the end of the year, I'm screwed!
Carrie: Uh... good luck?
Arthur: You know, when I bought the stone, the salesman assured me I would be dead by the year 2000. You know what my mistake was? I should have got that in writing!

Everyone at IPS has a trainee. Deacon is showing his trainee around.

Deacon: And here's the drivers lounge. After a hard day on the road, you enjoy some burnt coffee, and sit on a metal chair, you know what I'm saying?
Trainee: Uh-huh.
Deacon: Oh. Any questions so far?
Trainee: No.
Deacon: I got to go talk to him for a minute.
Trainee: OK.
Doug: How's it going with your trainee?
Deacon: Man, the fact that they think someone like him could do my job is very depressing.
Julie: Hey, is one of you guys Doug Heffernan?
Doug: That would be me.
Julie: Hi. I'm Julie Patterson. You're supposed to be my trainer person.
Doug: Hey, how are you today? Great to meet you, Julie. This is Deacon Palmer.
Deacon: How are you doing?
Julie: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was just getting my uniform together. Never thought green was my color, but I guess it is now. Sorry, I have some hyper first day thing going on here.
Doug: It's OK. Settle down, Julie. You already got the job.
Julie: Right.
Doug: So you ready to saddle up and hit the trail?
Julie: I think so. Let me just go grab my jacket.
Doug: Mouthing to Deacon: Wow!
Deacon: Damn.

Doug is playing pool with Richie and Deacon.

Richie: So, is she hot, hot? Or is she just delivery person hot?
Doug: Hot, hot. In fact, I might even throw in a third hot.
Richie: Really. You mean, hot, hot, hot?
Deacon: That would be three. Very good.
Richie: All right, Moose. Just bottom line this for me. Is she hot enough that you might think about her while you're having sex with Carrie?
Doug: I don't think about other women while I'm having sex with my wife!
Richie: Oh sure. So what do you think about?
Doug: I think about my marriage vows and the life we've built together. Hahaha! Funny stuff. Funny stuff.
Deacon: So, how are you planning on telling Carrie about this little trainee?
Doug: Oh, you think I should tell her?
Deacon: Whoa, yeah, you got to tell her.
Richie: Disagree. Big mistake.
Deacon: What are you talking about? If he doesn't tell her, and then she finds out, she'll wonder why he was keeping it a secret in the first place. He'll never get out from under that.
Richie: So what do you want him to do? Walk into his kitchen and say, hey honey, my new trainee's got an ass like a nectarine.
Deacon: No! But he's got to tell her something.
Richie: There is no way that a guy could tell his wife about a broad that he thinks is hot without her knowing that he thinks she's hot!
Doug: Give me a little credit, would you? I can tell Carrie about this without it being a big deal.
Richie: No you can't.
Doug: Yes I can! I'll just bring up the topic of work casually, she'll ask, oh how's your trainee, I'll say she's fine, and we'll move on.
Richie: OK, let's try it out. I'm Carrie.
Doug: OK.
Richie: So, uh. How's your trainee?
Doug: She's fine. Oh God.

Doug comes home, and as he is going in the back door, he notices Arthur's headstone leaning against the side of the house. He moves his foot over the grass in front of it to see if it's been dug up. Doug goes into the house and opens the basement door.

Doug: Arthur?
Arthur: Hello!
Doug: Nothing.
Carrie: Hey!
Doug: Hey, what's with the uh...
Carrie: Tombstone? My dad got into a fight with the cemetery because they wouldn't change his date of death for free.
Doug: God bless him. He keeps busy. So hon?
Carrie: Yeah?
Doug: I had quite a day at work.
Carrie: Huh. That's great. Oh! Before we eat, let me show you some paint samples. What do you think?
Doug: You know, that's the exact color of the coffee stirrers we have down at work. Who was using one of those today? Oh yeah, it as my trainee.
Carrie: I don't know. It might look good on a sample, but a whole wall might make you want to puke. Well, at least you'll be in a white room, right?
Doug: Puke. Speaking of which, I almost puked on my trainee today.
Carrie: What?
Doug: I didn't almost puke, it was more of a burp with ham. Trainees. God love them, huh? You know, they are our future.
Carrie: So how is your trainee?
Doug: Oh, sheesh, I got a good one.
Carrie: Nice guy?
Doug: You know it's a funny thing?

The phone rings.

Carrie: Wait. Hang on a second. Hello? Oh. Hi. This is his daughter. What? Oh, come on. You can't ban him from being buried in your cemetery! But he'll be dead! He's not going to bother you when he's dead! All right. I'll call you back. OK. Bye. I got to go talk to Dad.
Doug: Trainee is a girl. She's hot.

Doug is at work explaining some guidelines to the trainees.

Doug: All right anything up to 70 pounds can go as is, anything from 70-150, you got to throw on a heavy package sticker. Now, don't be the one who puts a heavy package sticker on my back. It's been done. Ha-ha. I'm heavy, we get it.
Deacon: McDougie?
Doug: Yeah.
Deacon: Carrie's here.
Doug: What?
Deacon: Yeah, just saw her in the front office, chatting with Sheen's secretary.
Doug: Uh, you know, what? That's it for now. Why don't you guys go practice punching in and out? Hey man, OK. What do I do? I never told her about Julie.
Deacon: Ooh.
Doug: I tried to the other night. But then the phone rang, she left the room, I missed my window.
Deacon: Huh. Well, I told Kelly about my trainee. No problem.
Doug: Hey, you know what I was thinking? Uh, maybe you should go around the back and uh, unload those two day packages.
Julie: Uh, but the two days aren't here yet.
Doug: Oh, uh, maybe you should go around back and you know, start to stretch.
Julie: Um, maybe I'll just get our afternoon route schedule.
Doug: Fine. Good. OK. Hey! What are you doing here? I love you.
Carrie: All right. I think I finally picked out a color. And before I get like, 80 gallons of it, I just wanted to make sure that you didn't hate it. OK, what do you think? Misty aqua.
Doug: Misty aqua. Yes! Yes! Yeah!
Carrie: Really honey? You don't think it's too light?
Doug: No, no, no, no. It's perfect. It gives you that aqua feeling, only mistier.
Carrie: You know what? Maybe I'll keep looking.
Doug: All right, you know what? Keep looking. That's great. I'll see you tonight?
Carrie: All right.
Doug: OK.
Carrie: I'll see you, hon.
Julie: Hey Doug! Is this your wife?
Doug: Uh, yes. Yes, yes, it is. Isn't she a doozy?
Julie: Hi, I'm Julie. Doug's trainee.
Carrie: Hi. I'm Carrie. How are you doing?
Julie: Fine. Fine.
Doug: So, what? You guys have not met yet? Have you not met before? Cause I thought I was uh, no, not really. I must be screwy, cause, ah. Here I am with my wife and my trainee, the two women in my life. HA!
Carrie: All right. I guess I'll get going, hon.

Arthur is sitting at the dining room table when Doug comes home.

Doug: Hey, Arthur. Uh, Carrie home?
Arthur: Not yet. Hey, give me a hand here, will you?
Doug: What are you doing?
Arthur: Uh, I'm writing my epitaph.
Doug: OK.
Arthur: Since I'm getting a new headstone, I figured why not do a rewrite on the whole thing?
Doug: I don't know. What do you got so far?
Arthur: Here. Take a look.
Doug: Arthur Spooner. Husband. Father. True inventor of the moist towelette. Touching, yet paranoid. I like it.
Arthur: Well, how about this one?
Doug: Arthur Spooner. Your ad here.
Arthur: All revenue would go straight to you kids.
Doug: They both seem fine.
Arthur: Ah, come on. I need something snappy. Something that will bring them in off the street. You got anything?
Doug: Uh, I don't know. Rest in peace.
Arthur: No. That's not me. Let's both keep at it. I'll meet you back here in two hours.

Arthur goes downstairs, and Carrie comes in.

Doug: Hey you!
Carrie: Hello.
Doug: What's this? Oh, seafoam. Great. Yeah, much better than that aqua mist crap.
Carrie: Doug?
Doug: All right. My trainee's a girl. I should have told you, but I didn't. I'm sorry. Can we please move on?
Carrie: Yeah, she's a girl. And you were afraid to tell me because you think she's hot.
Doug: I don't think she's hot.
Carrie: Doug. Please. I know you very well. It's like you have a window on your forehead and I can read your thoughts. Right now the two big ones are Entomen's and she's hot.
Doug: I'm sorry. I just didn't feel comfortable talking about it. I mean, here's this cute trainee driving around in the truck all day with me, and I wouldn't blame you if you felt a little weird about that.
Carrie: I don't.
Doug: Oh come on. It's not a little weird for you?
Carrie: No. Doug, I mean, I know you wouldn't fool around on me.
Doug: Of course I wouldn't. But her. I mean, she looks up to me. I'm the center of her world. I'm the man with the DieCat board.
Carrie: Well, yes, honey. That is quite the aphrodisiac. But look, to be honest with you, I'm not worried about women coming on to you.
Doug: You're not.
Carrie: No. You're a decent guy. And women sense that about you. I mean, you send out that good guy vibe. You're nice.
Doug: I am.
Carrie: Yes.

Doug is at work, talking to Deacon.

Doug: I am not nice.
Deacon: Yes, you are.
Doug: No I'm not. I'm a, I used to play football in high school. I used to shoplift candy! Carrie's talking about me like I'm this harmless, little, round guy.
Deacon: How dare she.
Doug: All right look, I'm out of shape. I'll give her that, but hey. I got a thing going on, don't I? Sort of like a raw, you know, sexual energy?
Deacon: Yeah, absolutely. You know, I just wish you could turn it off, so I could focus on my work?
Doug: All I'm saying is someone like Julie could be into me. Carrie thinks it's impossible, but I'll tell you what. It's insulting.
Deacon: If you're not going to fool around on her, why does any of this even matter?
Doug: Because there's a principle here. You know, I assume sleazy guys are hitting on her all the time! Don't I deserve the same respect?
Richie: Hey, what's going on?
Doug: Richie, what are you doing here?
Richie: I just wanted to send in my gas bill.
Doug: OK. That would be the post office. We send packages.
Richie: Oh. So you got a box I could put it in?
Doug: You are so obvious.
Richie: Come on, let me just meet her Moose. Come on! I got this whole rap worked out. A little bit of this, a little bit of that, ba da bing, who knows?
Julie: Doug! Good. You haven't left yet. Um, can I talk to you for a sec?
Doug: Yeah, sure. Um, Julie. This is my friend Richie.
Richie: How you doing?
Julie: Good.
Doug: OK.
Deacon: You got game.
Doug: Oh, what's up?
Julie: Oh, Mr. O'Boyle wants me to turn in my union application by tomorrow. Do you have like ten minutes to go over it with me?
Doug: Yeah sure. Actually, you know what, I got some stuff I got to do right now, but why don't you give me a call at home, later, tonight?
Julie: Can I? That'd be great.
Doug: You know what? I'll be getting in probably around eleven, so why don't you call me. Here's my number.
Julie: Are you sure? That late?
Doug: Oh yeah. I mean, I'll be up. The night time is my time. I am the night.

Doug is at home sitting in bed with Carrie. It is 11:02. Carrie is sleeping and Doug is trying to wake her up.

Doug: barks like a dog, meows like a cat

The phone rings.

Carrie: Doug, are you going to answer that?
Doug: Why me?
Carrie: Well because you're wide awake, and the phone is on your side of the bed.
Doug: Why don't you answer it? I love the way you say hello.
Carrie: Hello?
Doug: Oh yeah.
Carrie: Oh yeah, hi. Yeah, hold on. It's what's-her-face. Trainee.
Doug: Really? Calling me at home at 11:00? What's that about? Yeah, Julie, what is it? Your union application? Look, isn't this something we can talk about at work? I mean, it's after 11:00. No, not then either. I spend my weekends with my wife. Look, I think you and I need to have a talk about boundaries. OK? OK. Goodbye. Geez. Yeah, that's that.

Doug looks over and Carrie is asleep again.

Doug is brushing his teeth.

Carrie: Excuse me, honey. I just need to...

Carrie measures the dimensions of the sink.

Carrie: You know what? I just need to, real quick. Just want to see if there's room for a vanity here. You know what? Could you hold this real quick?
Doug: Carrie, can I please brush my teeth?
Carrie: What's wrong with you?
Doug: You called me nice.
Carrie: What are you talking about?
Doug: When we were talking about my trainee, and you said you weren't worried because I'm a nice guy.
Carrie: Oh. That's what this is? Doug! Nice is good! Women like nice!
Doug: Oh yeah? Then let me ask you this. Who would you rather have sex with? A guy with an eye patch who rides a motorcycle, or a guy who's nice?
Carrie: Well, I wouldn't want a guy who drives a motorcycle and has an eye patch. No depth perception there.
Doug: Come on.
Carrie: Doug, what do you want me to say?
Doug: Well, that you're a little worried that I have a hot female trainee with an ass like a nectarine, I'm sorry.
Carrie: I am worried.
Doug: Hmm?
Carrie: Yeah. I mean, now that I think about it, you're out there, alone in your truck with her every day. You know what? I want that little hussy away from you.
Doug: Don't even...

Julie goes to talk to Doug.

Julie: Doug?
Doug: Oh, hi, listen. I'm really sorry about that whole phone call thing last night. I'm going to level with you. I like my gin.
Julie: Look. You clearly have some issues you need to work out and that's cool. But I really need this job, so-
Doug: So...
Julie: So I asked Supervisor O'Boyle to assign me to another driver.
Doug: Ouch.
Julie: I also asked that my locker be moved away from yours.
Doug: Ouch again.
Julie: Anyway, I think you're a great guy and I'll see you around.
Doug: Wait, wait, wait, wait! Just so you know, I'm not crazy. You know? It's just, you're an attractive woman, and I thought my wife would be jealous, and when she wasn't, I kind of felt bad, I flipped out, and I tried to make her jealous. Anyway, I'm, I'm sorry.
Julie: Really? That's what this was all about?
Doug: Uh-huh.
Julie: That is so cute!
Doug: Cute. Great.
Julie: Well, I got to go. Oh um, by the way, can I get your friend Richie's phone number?

Doug is driving around delivering packages.