Doug: What are you doing? That's my favorite Christmas song.
Arthur: Can't stand the way that Alvin always comes in late.
Doug: That's what's funny about it.
Arthur: Not funny. It's disrespectful to the other chipmunks!
Carrie: HEY! I know I have to die someday, but I'm going to be really pissed off if it's today, because of this.
Doug: You are so dead when we get home.
Arthur: Oh, I'm shaking.
Doug: Oh great!
Arthur: There's something wrong with the car.
Doug: Oh, really? You think so, Mr. Goodwrench?
Carrie: I can't believe this thing stalled again!
Doug: Yeah, it's probably one of those stupid belts. I'll take a look at it now.
Carrie: Doug. What are you doing? We're on the expressway. You're going to get yourself killed.
Doug: Relax. I got the hazards on, OK?

Doug gets out of the car.

Doug: AAAAH! I'm OK! I'm fine! It just blew my cap off. OK.
Arthur: You know, it really is disrespectful to the other chipmunks.
Carrie: You're preaching to the choir, Dad.
Doug: OK, I can fix this! I just need the screwdriver in the glove compartment!
Arthur: Not in here!
Doug: WHAT?! I can't believe this. I know it's here. I keep it in here. OK, it's not here.
Arthur: Told you.
Doug: Where could it be? Did you lose it, Arthur?
Arthur: Pardon me. I did not lose your precious screwdriver. It's on my bed. I needed it to pry open some paint cans.
Carrie: What were you painting?
Arthur: Nothing. I found the cans in the basement, and I wanted to see the difference between Navajo White and
Eggshell White.
Doug: Unbelievable!
Arthur: Well, excuse me for being consumed with boredom!

OPENING CREDITS

Carrie, Doug, and Arthur made it home and are hauling in their Christmas tree.

Carrie: Are you OK, hon? Do you need help?
Doug: I've dragged it two miles. I can make it the last eight feet.
Carrie: OK, easy hon.
Doug: All right. Where do you want it?
Carrie: Um, OK, let me think. All right, not there because of the things.
Doug: Hello! Sap!
Carrie: All right, all right, right here. Right here.
Doug: OK, what a great day, huh? We got our Christmas tree and we swept up the Long Island Expressway.
Carrie: Well, at least this year we won't get that sad feeling when we toss it out on the curb.

The phone rings.

Carrie: Hello?
Arthur: Sorry again Douglas, about that screwdriver misunderstanding. Here you go.
Doug: Thanks. But the next time you want to sniff paint fumes, use your own screwdriver, OK?
Arthur: Oh, I see we're having sarcasm for Christmas this year, hm?
Carrie: OK. Thank you. Four hundred bucks. Just to get the car running. And then he said we still need to keep an
eye on the transmission.
Doug: Keep an eye on it? What the hell does that mean?
Carrie: I don't know. I guess we take turns sleeping in the garage. I really wish we could afford a new one.
Doug: You know what? Why don't we just do it? Let's just do it! You want to?
Carrie: Doug, you know we can't now.
Doug: Why not?
Carrie: Because we agreed we were going to wait until we paid off the credit cards!
Doug: Oh please! We're never going to do that. Come on! New car. Me and you, huh? We'll go cruising. We'll pick
up chicks. Come back here, and the three of you can make me dinner.
Carrie: All right, well I guess it wouldn't hurt just to look at some new ones.
Doug: Wow! You are a keeper.
Carrie: So you're really ready to get rid of your old heap, huh?
Doug: Yeah! It's had a good run. Hell, I've had it since I was a young stallion of 22.
Carrie: Hey, you remember the first time you tried to feel me up was in that car.
Doug: Yeah. You bent these two fingers all the way back.

Doug and Carrie are at the car dealer.

Doug: This car is unbelievable! 6-cylinder. Rack and pin. And these seats? They actually heat up. I can't begin to
tell you how warm my ass feels right now!
Carrie: Maybe you could write a poem.

Doug honks the horn.

Carrie: You know what? Stop that. You're starting to act like a game show contestant. Now come on! Let's find a
car we can actually pay for.
Doug: I want this one.
Carrie: Hey, did you see the sticker price?
Doug: Sticker price? You know what I like to call the sticker price? The sucker price.
Carrie: Well, that is clever. Come on, we really cannot afford this.
Doug: Look. I know how to negotiate the price down. This guy's going to be coming over here pretty soon, so let's
do the old good cop, bad cop routine.
Carrie: OK. Which one am I?
Doug: Um, bad cop.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: No, no, no! Bad cop's more fun. I want to be bad cop. Although you look more like a bad cop.
Carrie: OK. How about you play all the police and I'll play the person across the street getting a manicure?
Doug: All right. Here he comes. Just work with me all right?
Carrie: OK.
Marty: So, you folks still looking or, uh?
Doug: No, no, no. We're done.
Marty: Good. Well, good. Think this is the one for you?
Doug: MMM. Don't know. Don't know. Honey, what did you think of this car?
Carrie: I would like to take a sledgehammer to this piece of crap.
Marty: All right.
Doug: What did you say that for?
Carrie: I thought I was bad cop!
Doug: Bad cop, yeah! Not Gestapo! Excuse me.
Marty: Yes, sir!
Doug: Yeah, we uh, actually might be uh, willing to consider buying this car. First, I think we need to see a little
flexibility on your end. You know what I mean?
Marty: Yeah, I'm sorry. We can't go below sticker. This is a really hot car right now.
Doug: Right. Hot car. Right. Absolutely. Lot of heat, OK. Tell you what I'm going to do. I'm going to jot down a little
figure for your hot little car. I want you to run this back to your boss and we'll take it from there, OK? Yeah.
Marty: OK. My uh, manager's going to think this is a joke.
Doug: Why don't you just go show him how funny we are? OK?
Marty: OK.
Doug: Welcome to the dance. See now he goes back there, he has a cigarette, comes back with another number.
We scoff, we say goodbye, and you watch how fast he chases us.
Marty: Sorry. No go. We can take about a $100 off the undercoating, but it's the best we can do.
Doug: Oh, OK. That's the best you can do, then I guess we're just going to have to say ta-ta.
Marty: Thanks for coming in.
Doug: Start walking.
Carrie: Let's go!

The salesman is on the phone.

Marty: Hey baby. What are you in the mood for? Yeah? I could do Chinese.
Doug: Hey, you uh, take care now!
Marty: Hey you too! And Merry Christmas! So which place are you thinking? Nah, that's too spicy, I don't like
that place.

Doug and Carrie are in the kitchen.

Doug: Come on, let's just go back and buy the car!
Carrie: Doug, when we finally have kids, wouldn't it be nice to have more than thirty bucks tucked away?
Doug: I don't know. I don't want to spoil them. Come on, Carrie. I want new car smell! Our car has Burger King
smell.
Carrie: Doug, let's just put the new car thing aside for now, slap some more duct tape on the old one, and really
commit ourselves to winning the lottery. OK? OK?
Doug: OK.
Carrie: OK.
Doug: Arthur? Didn't I ask you not to put the peanut butter in the refrigerator?
Arthur: You may have. Why?
Doug: Because then it gets hard and I can't spread it without tearing the bread.
Arthur: So just let it sit for half an hour and soften up.
Doug: I want the sandwich now!
Arthur: Then toast the bread, that way it won't tear!
Doug: Don't want to toast it, don't want it in half an hour. What I want is an un-toasted, peanut butter and
jelly sandwich now!
Arthur: Well, Douglas. That might not be possible! As it is, I've given you a number of very attractive alternatives!
Doug: No, they're not attractive! OK, Arthur, you know what? I may not be able to afford a decent car, but I do have
a house, and I let you live in it, so please show some respect! Oh good peanut butter, peanut butter!! Yeah! That's
peanut butter. This is my house!
Arthur: You going to let him talk that way to me?!
Carrie: Well, I'm not quite sure what he said at the end there, but as far as the other stuff is concerned, Dad, he's
not really wrong.

Arthur goes into Doug and Carrie's room when they are sleeping.

Arthur: Hey, sleepyhead.
Doug: AAAAAAH!
Arthur: Merry Christmas! Come on downstairs, I got something for you.
Carrie: Dad, isn't Christmas tomorrow?
Arthur: I couldn't wait! Come on down! Come on, come on! Keep those eyes closed. We're getting close.
Doug: Oh! Mother!
Arthur: Watch for that.

Arthur opens the garage door.

Arthur: OK. One, two, three! Merry Christmas!

Carrie, Doug, and Arthur are going for a ride in the new car Arthur just gave them.

Arthur: So what do you kids think, huh?
Carrie: Well, it's uh, it's cozy.
Doug: Where did it come from Arthur? Did you build it?
Arthur: No, no. What we have here is a Deuschenberger. Made in Luxembourg. Most popular car on the road over
there.
Carrie: It's nice, Dad. But you really, really shouldn't have.
Arthur: No, no. You kids deserve this.
Doug: No we don't.
Arthur: Sure you do. You're going to be the envy of the neighborhood. See? Check out all the looks we're getting!
Doug: AAAAAAAAH! OH MY GOD!!
Carrie: GO FASTER!!
Doug: I'M ALREADY GOING AS FAST AS I CAN! I GOT IT FLOORED!
Carrie: THEN SHIFT!
Doug: I'M SHIFTING! I'M IN 3RD! THAT'S ALL THERE IS!
Arthur: ROAD HOG!

Doug and Carrie are sitting in the garage contemplating their near death experience.

Carrie: Feel better?
Doug: A little bit. Farting really helped. This thing is unbelievable, huh?
Carrie: I know. It felt like we were navigating through high speed traffic in a soda can!
Doug: What was he thinking?! Giving us a car!
Carrie: Well, honey. It's pretty obvious he did it because of you.
Doug: Me?
Carrie: Yeah! I mean the way you yelled at him the other day. You made him feel so bad. He knew we needed a
new car, so voila! A '99 Deuschen... thing.
Doug: Hey, excuse me. This wouldn't have happened if you would have let us get the other car, but no, we got to
save money for our children. Well, just look what you've given birth to!
Carrie: All right. Just relax now. You're just a little upset because you almost died. But maybe we just need time to
get used to this thing. I mean, it is kind of cute in its own little way. Oh God. We are so screwed.

Richie, Carrie and Doug's neighbor, comes in.

Richie: Hey. What's going on? What the hell is this?
Doug: It's our new car.
Richie: Nah, seriously. What is it?
Doug: It's a car!! Maybe if you had spent some time in Luxembourg, you wouldn't ask such stupid questions!
Richie: Where do the clowns come out? Well, see. You know, in the circus all the clowns cram into this little-
Carrie: Yeah, we get it, Rich. Not your best bit. OK?
Doug: Rich, we're just not in the laughing mood. All right? We almost got crushed by a large truck and a medium
sized dog.
Carrie: What are we going to do? I mean, either we're stuck with this ridiculous looking thing or we have to break
my father's heart.
Rich: Or you could just dump it.
Doug: What do you mean?
Rich: I mean, there's a spot under the Bell Parkway where people "park" their cars if they want to be "relieved" of
them. You know what I'm "saying?"
Doug: You didn't need the last set of finger quotes, but yeah, I get you. Honey, you, you want to do it?
Carrie: Doug, we are not dumping the car!
Doug: Why not? We'll collect the insurance money, we'll give it to your dad and then he never has to know we didn't
like it!
Carrie: No! We're not doing it!
Doug: Then what do we do?!
Carrie: I don't know!
Doug: Carrie, I can't go to work in this! I'm a Teamster, for God's sakes!
Carrie: OK. We will just talk to my father and say thank you very much, but the car is just not for us.

Carrie and Doug go back into the house, where Arthur is putting ornaments on the tree.

Arthur: Ah, the kids! Doug, I got your song playing.
Doug: Great! Thanks.
Arthur: I put it on a loop. It will just play and play and play till someone turns it off.

Carrie turns off the radio.

Carrie: Dad, you got a sec?
Arthur: Sure, sure. Let's all sit. Relax. Look, I baked Christmas cookies. Hey Dougie, those should hit you in about
an hour. So kids. What's on your mind?
Carrie: Well Dad. It's about the car.
Arthur: Ah, the look on your faces when I gave it to you. Was worth every penny from my IRA account.
Carrie: You cashed in your IRA?
Arthur: I'm just glad I could pull together enough to make your dreams come true.
Carrie: Dad, I am so stunned. That is so generous.
Arthur: No, that's not generous. Generous is opening your home to a cranky old man who sometimes forgets to
show the proper respect and gratitude! That's generous! God bless you, kids!!

Doug and Carrie are dumping the car.

Doug: Oh, this looks like the place.
Carrie: I can't believe we're actually doing this!
Doug: Come on, come on, come on. Keep it together, babe. All right, let's go. Whoa, whoa, wait. Let me get out
first otherwise we'll tip over.
Carrie: Oh my God. Look at this place.
Doug: I don't know. It's got a lot of atmosphere. Hey baby, you want to rumble?
Carrie: I'm not sure if I want to do this.
Doug: Hey, whoa, whoa. We agreed. It's our only way out.
Carrie: I know! But it's immoral!
Doug: It's not immoral.
Carrie: Doug, we're inviting criminals to steal a car my father bought with his retirement money as a show of love
and respect for us. On Christmas Eve! That's not immoral??!
Doug: I'm not saying we'd get a lot of karma points. But it's not immoral. Where the hell is Richie with the getaway
car?
Carrie: I can't do this to my father again.
Doug: What are you talking about again?
Carrie: When I was six, he bought me this doll for Christmas, and I hated it.
Doug: It happens.
Carrie: I buried it in the backyard. And then like a month later, our dog dug it up right in front of him. Had worms
coming out of the eyes, and fungus growing in its hair, and it kept saying I love you, I love you.
Doug: It happens.

Richie arrives with the getaway car.

Richie: Hey Moose! Sorry I'm late, I had to help a guy ditch a boat! Come on, let's go!
Doug: All right. Come on Carrie. Carrie!
Richie: Hey, what's going on? You want your car stolen or what?
Doug: I do. It's her. We have to go now!
Carrie: Doug, I can't do this.
Richie: Moose!
Doug: Forget it, Rich!
Richie: All right, whatever.

Richie tries to start his car and it won't turn over.

Richie: Ah, man!

Carrie and Doug take the Deuschenberger back home with Richie in the back seat.
It's Christmas Day and Carrie and Arthur are in the living room.

Arthur: You know this song is really growing on me. You?
Carrie: Yeah.
Arthur: Ooh, ooh. Here comes the best part. Listen. Listen.
CD: Me, I want a hula hoop!
Arthur: A hula hoop he wants!
Carrie: And every time too.

Doug comes home from the grocery store.

Doug: OK, I got the eggnog and Mr. Rummy. Let's hit the Christmas presents.
Arthur: Speaking of which. Still enjoying the Deuschenberger, Douglas?
Doug: Oh yeah. It's nice having a car I can take into the store with me.
Carrie: Here you go, Daddy. This is from Doug and me.
Arthur: Oh. Thank you, sweetheart. Ooh, ooh. What could it be? So excited. What's this?
Carrie: It's a watch.
Arthur: I have a watch.
Carrie: I know, but this is engraved. Look. With all our love. Doug and Carrie.
Arthur: Well, you did your best.

Richie comes in.

Richie: Hope you're happy.
Doug: What?
Richie: I just went back to get my car, it's stripped to the bone. My insurance doesn't cover theft or vandalism. What
the hell am I supposed to do?

Doug throws the Deuschenberger keys to Richie.

Doug: Merry Christmas.

Richie takes Arthur to the dump site.

Arthur: You sure someone will take it?
Richie: Definitely. Just leave it.
Arthur: All right. Hard to believe anybody would want this thing, but here goes.

Arthur throws the watch out the window.