Chandler: Wait, before we go in, I just want you to know that I love you and that I had a great time on our honeymoon and I can't wait to go in there and spend the rest of our life together.
Monica: You're really sticking with the shell necklace, huh?

Joey and Phoebe come out of Joey's apartment and hug Chandler and Monica.

Joey: Hey, you're back!
Phoebe: Hi! Yay! Come on in!

Joey and Phoebe pull Monica and Chandler's luggage into Joey's apartment.

Phoebe: So how was the honeymoon?
Monica: Oh, it was so much fun. But the best part is, we met this incredible couple on the flight back.
Phoebe: That was the best part? Honeymooning, tiger.
Monica: No, they were really cool, and they were on their honeymoon too!
Chandler: They were terrific, and they live right here in the city.
Monica: Yeah, can we go call them? Is it too soon to call? I want to call!
Chandler: Sorry, we're just kind of excited because we finally have a couple to hang out with.
Monica: I know.
Joey: A couple? Like two people, like one, two people?
Monica: This is different. Greg and Jenny are in a relationship.
Phoebe: Ugh, Greg and Jenny. Ugh, Hi, Greg, I'm Chandler, this is Monica. Hi Monica, this is Jenny. Hi Jenny, Hi Greg.
Chandler: Listen, they're really great, if you just got a chance to-
Joey: You know what!? Why don't you just give us our souvenirs and get the hell out of here?!
Chandler: We didn't get a chance to-
Phoebe: You've got to be kidding me!
Monica: We didn't get anything for anyone!
Joey: Mm, yeah, nice necklace!
Monica: That you can have.

OPENING CREDITS

Ross and Rachel come over to Monica's apartment.

Rachel: Hi!
Ross: Hello.
Monica: Hi!
Rachel: Welcome home!
Ross: So, how was the honeymoon?
Monica: It was great, it was great, but how about you? I mean, you're having a baby!
Rachel: Oh! Look, I have a sonogram picture.
Monica: Oh, great!
Chandler: Ross! It's got your wavy black lines.
Monica: Ok, so now that Ross knows, can you tell us, you know, how it happened? I mean, when did it happen? How many times did it happen?
Phoebe: Monica, that's not right.
Monica: What?
Phoebe: Start with where.
Rachel: Well, it happened about six weeks ago, and, uh, I had just gotten home from work and Ross was already there and I guess you'd been hanging out with Joey.
Joey: You're welcome, buddy.
Ross: Yeah, thanks.
Rachel: And so, I had a lot of work to do, and Ross, nice guy that he is, offered to help me out, and then we had a little wine, we got to talking, and next thing you know, out of nowhere, Ross comes on to me.
Ross: Um, that's, that's a little misleading.
Rachel: What is?
Ross: The lie you just told.
Rachel: That, that you came on to me?
Ross: There's the one!
Rachel: But you did! I mean, let's be honest.
Ross: Yes, let's. You know what, uh, it's not important. What's important is that we're having a baby and it doesn't matter who came on to who.
Joey: Whom. That's right.
Rachel: You know you kissed me first.
Ross: Wh- what? You were begging me to kiss you! You, you were sending me signals all over the place!
Rachel: I was sending you signals?!
Ross: Yeah!
Rachel: Oh please. Ok, anyone in this room think that I would actually send Ross begging signals, please, show of hands?
Ross: You know what, it doesn't matter, it doesn't matter what people believe, what matters is what happened!
Rachel: Ok, well, so these signals, Ross, explain this to me, cause maybe I need to be more careful, I mean, am I sending you these signals right now?
Ross: You know what, you know what, Rachel, just, just drop it.
Rachel: No! Please, show me how I begged you!
Ross: I can show you! I have it on videotape! It's an expression.

Everyone except Ross and Rachel are still hanging out at Monica and Chandler's apartment.

Phoebe: I can't believe he taped the two of them having sex.
Joey: Yeah, you got to tell a girl before you tape her. Such a rookie mistake.
Chandler: You know who has a great video camera?
Phoebe: Greg and Jenny?
Monica: Do you still want to call them? I want to call them.
Chandler: Let's call them.
Joey: Yeah, ask them if they brought their friends any souvenirs.

Monica and Chandler go over to the phone.

Monica: Hello? 8th St. Deli?
Joey: Hey, hang up. You get food poisoning just talking to that place.
Monica: Uh, sorry, wrong number. Hello? It's the deli again!
Joey: All right! I'll have a sandwich.
Monica: I don't think this number's right.
Phoebe: You got fake numbered.
Monica: What? People don't do that.
Joey: Oh, I think we do.
Monica: They gave us a fake number? Wh- why would they do that?
Chandler: I don't know! You were a delight to talk to. You asked all those insightful great questions.
Monica: Man, you've never been funnier. I mean, joke, joke, joke, joke. I mean, you were a hoot!

Ross comes into the apartment.

Ross: Rachel won't talk to me. She won't even open the door.
Phoebe: Hm, I wonder why, pervert.
Ross: Ok, listen, I am not a pervert.
Phoebe: That's like the pervert motto! Yeah, yeah, they have you raise your right hand, put your left hand down your pants, and repeat that.
Ross: Look, filming Rachel was not something I planned. OK, look, here's what happened, and Joey, you can back me up on this. All right, about a month and a half ago, remember I came to you with a problem? Um, um, the personal thing?
Joey: Per- wh- what personal thing?
Ross: About, about, sex? That I hadn't had sex in months?!
Joey: Yeah, I knew what you were talking about.

Flashback to six weeks earlier. Ross enters Joey's apartment.

Ross: Hey.
Joey: Hey.
Ross: Do you have a minute? I'd like to talk to you about something um, I'm really uncomfortable talking about.
Joey: Sure. About, uh, you showering with your mom.
Ross: I actually had a topic in mind. Um, I'm kind of going through a dry spell. Sex wise.
Joey: Oh. For like months?
Ross: Five, to be lying, six.
Joey: Six months? Whoa, that's rough.
Ross: Please help me. I have a date tonight, it has to go well, ok. I'm scared for my health!
Joey: OK, oh, oh, oh, I got something. OK, it's this story that I came up with, very romantic, I swear, any woman that hears it, they're like putty.
Ross: Really, well, then tell it to me.
Joey: OK. Now, you're going to want to have sex with me when you hear it, but you have to remember it is just the story.
Ross: I'll try to control myself.
Joey: OK. Years ago, when I was backpacking across Western Europe-
Ross: You were backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: Have a nice six more months, Ross.
Ross: OK, OK, OK! I'm sorry. Please, please, you were in Western Europe and...
Joey: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking in the foothills of Mt. Tibidabo. I was at the end of this path and I came to a clearing and there was a lake, very secluded, and there were tall trees all around. It was dead silent, gorgeous. And across the lake I saw a beautiful woman, bathing herself, but she was crying.
Ross: Why?

Ross goes on his date.

Date: This is great wine.
Ross: It's from France. In Europe? Western Europe. You know, um, a few years ago, uh, actually I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Date: Really?
Ross: Mm-hmm, wait it gets better. Uh, yeah, I was in, um, Barcelona.
Date: I studied for a year in Barcelona.
Ross: Anyway, um, so I was, um, I was hiking.
Date: I love hiking!
Ross: Oh, that's great! I was hiking along the foothills of a Mt. Tibidabo.
Date: I think it's Tibidabo.
Ross: Ok, do you want to tell the story?!

Ross enters Joey's apartment.

Joey: Whoa, what are you doing here? How did your date go?
Ross: Great! I'm across the street having sex with her right now. Your story sucks!
Joey: Hey, look, if it didn't work, it's because you didn't tell it right. Show me how you did it.
Ross: No. No, I don't want to.
Joey: How long since you seen a girl naked?
Ross: I was backpacking across Western Europe.
Joey: I'm not feeling it.
Ross: I was just outside of Barcelona, hiking-
Joey: No, no, no Ross, I'm not hot, are you hot?
Ross: It's been six months, I'm always hot.
Joey: Well, you're not selling the story. It's like, it's like you don't believe it. Look, I got to go, I got a date, but try this. Do what I do when I'm preparing for an audition. OK? I'll set you up with my video camera and you can record yourself and, and see what you're doing wrong.
Ross: I'll try that.
Joey: All right, now, you're all set up, you're good to go. Just hit record, all right? Good luck.
Ross: Thanks. Thanks, and hey Joe?
Joey: Yeah?
Ross: Listen, if you ever have any problem with the ladies, you know I'll help you out.
Joey: That means a lot to me, man.

Joey leaves.

Ross: Hello. Can I get you anything, huh? Lens cleaner? Your battery OK?

Rachel comes in.

Ross: Rachel!
Rachel: Oh, Ross.
Ross: Hi.
Rachel: Thank God you're here. You have to help me. Were you just talking to yourself?
Ross: That's less embarrassing, yes, yes I was.
Ross narrating: So when she came in, I got distracted and totally forgot about the camera.

Back to present day...

Ross: It kept rolling and recorded everything.
Chandler: Yeah, we're going to need to see that tape.

Everyone is hanging out in Monica and Chandler's apartment except for Ross and Rachel.

Monica: I still don't get why Greg and Jenny would give us a fake number!
Joey: You know, if they knew what they were doing, they probably didn't give you real names either.
Monica: OK, maybe people give out fake numbers, but they don't give out fake names.
Joey: Oh yeah? Hi. Ken Adams, nice to meet you.
Phoebe: Regina Phalange.
Chandler: I just don't get it. We didn't do anything wrong.
Monica: I know! Although you did tell an awful lot of jokes.
Chandler: I thought you said those jokes were funny. Joke, joke, joke, joke.
Monica: Joke, joke, blech, blech!
Chandler: Well, maybe it was all of your questions.
Monica: What about my questions?
Chandler: The sheer volume. It was like flying with the Riddler!
Monica: Oh, I'm sorry. Was that another joke?!
Chandler: Was that another question?

Rachel comes into the apartment.

Rachel: Hey, is Ross still here?
Joey: Uh, no Rach, he's gone, but listen, he told us what happened, and it does, it sounds like an honest mistake.
Rachel: Oh really? Well, how would you like it if I had sex with you, and I taped it? Oh forget it.

Ross comes into the apartment.

Rachel: Oh, there he is now, the father of my child, the porn king of the west village.
Ross: Look, it was an accident. OK? I, I feel bad that it happened, but I swear, I didn't even watch it. Anyway, here. I thought you might be more comfortable destroying it yourself.
Rachel: Thank you.

Rachel goes to stomp on the videotape, and everyone gets up and starts yelling.

Rachel: What?
Everyone: *Yelling*
Rachel: You don't want to see this, do you?
Monica: Hell yeah!
Rachel: I am not going to show you this!
Phoebe: No, not the sex part, just the stuff leading up to it.
Ross: Forget it, she's destroying it.
Phoebe: OK, fine! Fine! We'll just have to think of some other way to put the whole "who came on to who" thing to rest. Come on now, think!
Ross: Forget it Phoebe. OK? It's Rachel's tape and she can do whatever she wants with it. And she wants to destroy it, so end of story.
Rachel: I want to see it.
Ross: What?
Rachel: Clearly, you don't want people to see this tape. Now I don't want people to see this tape either, but you so badly don't want people to see it that it makes me want to see it. Do you see?
Joey: Are we watching the tape or not?
Ross: I don't want people to see it for your sake.
Rachel: Oh, I don't believe you. I think you don't want them to see you begging me.
Ross: Rachel, please?
Rachel: Oh, a little preview!
Ross: Fine. Fine! But I want the record to show that I tried to take the high road because in about five minutes I'm going to be saying ahahhha.
Rachel: Ok, here we go.

Rachel plays the video tape.

On the videotape... Ross: Hello. Can I get you anything?

Joey: I'm so happy.
Rachel: Oh, there I am.
Phoebe: You're going to get pregnant.

On the videotape... Rachel: I screwed up so bad. I told Monica that I would stuff and send all these wedding invitations like weeks ago and I-
Ross: You didn't do it?
Rachel: I- I had put them in- in my desk at work and I completely forgot about them until today.

Monica: Sweetie, sweetie, it's okay, everybody made it to the wedding. I'm fine.
Rachel: Kind of hurting my hand though.
Monica: I know.

On the videotape... Rachel: I cannot believe that I did this, especially after Monica just went on and on and on about it! OK, Rachel, here are the invitations, Rachel. Be very careful, Rachel. Please drinking no liquids around the invitations, Rachel. Whoa, oh, oh, oh.

Chandler: Did you do it on our invitations?
Ross: Not on the ones we sent out.
Chandler: So, just the ones you gave back to us, and we had framed?

On the videotape... Rachel: Can you believe this is already happening? I mean, it seems like yesterday, they just got
engaged.
Ross: I know. Hey remember, remember the night they got engaged? How uh, you and I almost?
Rachel: Oh, I remember how we almost. Do you think we would have gone through with it, you know, if we hadn't gotten caught? Do you think we would have done it?
Ross: I mean, I know I wanted to, I just wasn't sure if you wanted to.
Rachel: Oh, I wanted to.
Ross: So we, we both wanted to.
Rachel: Interesting.
Ross: Anyway, um, probably worked out for the best.
Rachel: Yeah, sure.

Rachel: Ok, in about ten seconds, you're going to see him kiss me.
Ross: And in about five seconds, you're going to see why.

On the videotape... Rachel: Ross, did I ever tell you about the time that I went backpacking through Western Europe?

Rachel: Ok, get ready to see some begging.
Phoebe: Oh, you came on to Ross.
Rachel: What?
Ross: Now I'm so happy.
Rachel: What are you talking about?
Monica: You used the Europe story!
Chandler: That's the magic story you use when you want to have sex!
Rachel: How do you know about that story?
Joey: How do you know about that story?
Rachel: I heard it from my friend Irene who heard it from some guy!
Joey: Some guy!
Rachel: No, no. She told me that his name was Ken Adams.
Joey: Ken Adams!

Rachel is in her and Joey's apartment staring at the video tape. Ross comes in.