Jokes

JOKES

There was a little boy playing in the living room with his electric train set that he got for Christmas while his mother was in the kitchen
doing the dishes. The mother heard the train stop and heard her son say, "All of you SOB's that want to disembark, get off the damn
train...Any of you bastards wanting to board, get on the damn train cause we're fixin' to take off." The mother immediately dropped what
she was doing, ran into the living room, yanked her son up and said, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now go up to your room and don't come out for at least 2 hours." The little boy went to his room and returned in 2 hours. He started playing with his train set again. The mother heard the train stop and the little boy said, "I would like to thank those of you for traveling with us today and don't forget your personal items as you leave the train. Those of you boarding the train, please store your carry-ons in the overhead bins or store them under your seat and we will be leaving shortly." The mother was just as proud and she could be. Then the little boy says, "And those of you that are pissed off about the two hour delay, see the bitch in the kitchen."

There's this guy who buys a ticket for a japanese ariplane. He's seated on buisness class when he suddenly has to go to the bathroom. He sees the line of people waiting at the end of the ariplane so he sneaks to first class. The men's room is occupied!!He can't hold it, so he goes into the woman's room saying "what's the difference!" So he's in there ..aaaahhhhh, relief!! He suddenly notices that there's no toilet paper. Now what?? He sees a series of buttons. One says AHW so he presses it and he's cleaned with hot water, Oh, automatic hot water. But now he's all wet! So he sees another button AHA and presses it. He's dried out with hot air...Automatic HOt Air. "Wow, these Japanese ariplanes are soo advanced", he thought. Then he sees a button labeled ATR. "I don't know what that is"he thought "but everything else has worked out so well...let's see"****************The next thing he knows he's in a hospital room filled with doctors."What happened ?" he asked weakly. "You pressed the ATR" The guy looks confused at the doctor, "But what is ATR?" The doctor looks at him "Automatic Tampon Removal"......OUCH!!!!!!!!!!!

A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit.
The note read: "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am not."

A bloke went into a pub and had a ploughman’s lunch.
The ploughman became quite agitated.

A guy admitted to his girlfriend “I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist”. She admitted to him “I’ve been a psychiatrist, a plumber and 2 bar men.

TIP: Don’t drink water – fish fuck in it.

A teacher had a 5-year-old come up to her and said that he found a frog.
The teacher asked, "Is the frog alive or dead?"
The student replied, "It's dead."
The teacher then asked, "How do you know for sure?"
The boy said, "I pissed in its ear."
Aghast, the teacher said, "You did what?"
He said, "You know, I went to his ear and said, 'PSST!' and it didn't move. So, it must be dead."

THE BEST CHICKEN JOKE EVER

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is smoking
a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.

The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.
The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

A truck driver was cruising down the road, and accidently ran over a rabbit. He slammed on his brakes, got out of the truck, and walked over to poor rabbit. The truck driver was devastated. He sat on the side of the road with his head in his hands, wishing he could have stopped in time. Right about that time, a blonde woman pulled her car over and asked the trucker if he was alright. "I'm very upset," he answered. " "I just ran over that rabbit." The woman walked over to the rabbit, then went to her car and opened up the trunk. She came back with a can in her hand and started spraying the rabbit. In seconds the rabbit jumped up, waved and hopped down the road...again, he stopped and waved, and hopped some more. He repeated this until he was out of sight. The truck driver was amazed. "What in the world do you have in that can," he asked ? The woman turned around the can and it read: Hair Spray..restores limp dead hair and adds permanent wave.

Imagine if instead of cryptic, geeky text strings, your computer produced error messages in
Japanese Haiku Verse...

A file that big?
It might be very useful.
But now it is gone.

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The Web site you seek
Cannot be located
But endless others exist.

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Chaos reigns within.
Reflect, repent and reboot.
Order shall return.

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Aborted effort:
Close all that you have.
You ask far too much.

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First snow, then silence.
This thousand dollar screen
Dies so beautifully.

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With searching comes loss
And the presence of absence;
"My Novel" not found.

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The Tao that is seen
Is not the true Tao until
You bring fresh toner.

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Windows NT crashed.
I am the Blue Screen of Death.
No one hears your screams.

---------------------------------

Yesterday it worked.
Today it is not working.
Windows is like that.

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Three things are certain:
Death, taxes and lost data
Guess which has occurred.

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You step in the stream,
But the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

---------------------------------

Out of memory.
We wish to hold the whole sky,
But we never will.

---------------------------------

Having been erased,
The document you're seeking
Must now be retyped.

---------------------------------

Rather than a beep,
Or a rude error message,
These words: file not found.

---------------------------------

Serious error. All
Shortcuts have disppeared.
Screen. Mind. Both are blank

---------------------------------

Stay the patient course.
Of little worth is your ire;
The network is down.

---------------------------------

Errors have occurred.
We won't tell you where or why.
Lazy programmers.

---------------------------------

Seeing my great fault
through darkening blue windows,
I begin again

---------------------------------

The code was willing.
It considered your request,
but the chips were weak.

---------------------------------

Printer not ready.
Could be a fatal error.
Have a pen handy?

---------------------------------

Server's poor response
not quick enough for browser.
Timed out, plum blossom.

---------------------------------

This site has been moved.
We'd tell you where, but then we'd have to delete you.

---------------------------------

A crash reduces
Your expensive computer
To a simple stone.

---------------------------------

Wind catches lily
scatt'ring petals to the wind.
Segmentation fault.

---------------------------------

There is a chasm
of carbon and silicon
the software can't bridge.

---------------------------------

To have no errors
would be life without meaning.
No struggle, no joy.

---------------------------------

You step in the stream,
but the water has moved on.
This page is not here.

---------------------------------

No keyboard present.
Hit F1 to continue.
Zen engineering?

---------------------------------

Hal, open the file.
Hal, open the damn file, Hal,
open the, please Hal...

---------------------------------

The ten thousand things.
How long do any persist?
Netscape, too, has gone.

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Love: When you take a bubble bath together
Lust: When you take a bath in Jell-O together
Marriage: When you give the kids a bath

Love: A romantic candle-lit dinner for two
Lust: "Do I have to buy you dinner first?"
Marriage: 4 McDonald's Happy Meals . . . to go

Love: Giving your love some candy
Lust: Thinking you are the candy
Marriage: Scraping the kids' candy off of the carpet

Love: Sex every night
Lust: Sex 5 times a night
Marriage: What's sex?

Love: A night out at the symphony
Lust: A night out at the Holiday Inn
Marriage: A night out at Sesame Street On Ice

Love: French perfume
Lust: Brut aftershave
Marriage: "The baby needs changing. . ."

Love: Lending your jacket to your Love when he/she is cold
Lust: "I can think of a way to stay warm . . ."
Marriage: Your teenaged daughter has borrowed all of your jackets

Love: Talking and cuddling
Lust: Rolling over and falling asleep
Marriage: Getting up to wash your hands . . .

Love: Long drives through the countryside
Lust: Long parking sessions at Lover's Lookout
Marriage: Long drives with the kids screaming in the backseat