Washington D.C.
VOICEOVER: The Mall. The very heart of Washington D.C, center of our nation's capital. Home to American icons such as...
VOICEOVER: ... The Washington Monument....
VOICEOVER: ... the Jefferson Memorial...
VOICEOVER: ... The Supreme Court....
VOICEOVER: ... the Capitol....
VOICEOVER: ... The Lincoln Memorial...
VOICEOVER: ... and, of course, the White House. It's a somber place built to represent the finest aspects of American society. But, for one night only, all that goes out the window as our nation's capitol is turned into a battleground of the basest kind! Move over President Clinton, Janet Reno and Clarence Thomas... for the next three hours, the United States will be under the direct control of J.D. Lawson, "So Sexy" Shawn Smith, and "The Postman" P.J. Brown!!
Brought to you by...
.... a subdivision of....
A lone helicopter flies by the Washington Monument and hovers over the tens of thousands of people crammed into the festival seating of the Capitol Mall. It's a hot day in our nation's capitol but the mood is one of excitement and anticipation. Fireworks explode throughout the area and music pours over the massive speakers spread across the field.
The camera shot switches to the interior of the helicopter, where Mitchell Shcheevone, David Overview, and Jason Wessin, all wearing tuxedos, scan the crowd from the window.
SHCHEEVONE: Ladies and gentlemen... thank you for tuning into BRAWL on the MALL, live from Washington D.C!
OVERVIEW: Our nation's capitol has been transformed into a battleground of epic proportions, for one night only, as the Universal Wrestling Federation pushes all the weighty political issues aside to decide what really matters: who will be the next UWF WORLD CHAMPION!!
SHCHEEVONE: For over a month now, we've seen J.D. Lawson, Ex, and "the English Gent" battle head-to-head, tooth-and-nail to get a hold of the Championship belt. Tonight marks a major battle between the three to decide who is, once and for all, the rightful Champ...
WESSIN: ... and which two get to be the rightful CHUMPS!
OVERVIEW: Well put!
SHCHEEVONE: We'll also see the fate of the Intercontinental Championship decided as Case, Chris Sweet, and Shawn Smith...
WESSIN: ... ahem... "Mr. Sex."
SHCHEEVONE: .... "Mr. Sex" face off in a fatal threeway competition.
OVERVIEW: Tony Canolli and Vinny Dedducci will finally decide who's the better man...
SHCHEEVONE: And Derrick D. Tadium goes against... um....
WESSIN: "McGay!"
SHCHEEVONE: Um... yeah... in a "manager leaves town match." Depending on the outcome of the match, either Erin or Angie will be banned from the UWF... FOREVER!!
OVERVIEW: And... with much anticipation, after nearly a month of vacancy, the Television Title will fall into the hands of either P.J. Brown or "Little Dragon" Lee!
WESSIN: Hey... can we land this thing? I need a beer!
SHCHEEVONE: Well... we'll be right back to get the show underway!
The camera fades as the helicopter drops down to land near the ring....
The camera fades to the Oval Office of the White House. Somehow, Jack and Rico have gotten inside and are busy passing a joint back and forth over President Clinton's desk. The room is filled with noxious green smoke.
RICO: 'ey, hombre. Is it cool to be in here? I mean, the Oval Office is supposed to be... like... private and all.
JACK: It's cool, mon. Inhale or not, our President smokes the GAN-ja! He's sympathetic to our cause!
RICO: You sure?
JACK: Have I ever been wrong before, mon?
RICO: ...
JACK: Just give me that joint, mon!
RICO: Ugh... I'm hungry!
JACK: Maybe there's some food in that desk!
Rico pulls open the desk drawer and a dozen empty McDonald's wrappers fall to the ground.
RICO: Ai... looks like he goes to McDonald's a lot. I wonder if he knows Stevie McJ?
JACK: They say he likes blowjobs....
RICO: Maybe we could order a pizza on that phone or something, hombre?
JACK: Good idea, mon....
Jack picks up the red phone on the desk (READ "THE" RED PHONE) and begins ordering a pizza.
JACK: Ya, mon.... I need a corn and garlic pizza.
VOICE ON PHONE: Putnik stanislovski gorbachov sputnik!!
Jack scratches his head and hands the phone to Rico.
JACK: Hey... you speak Spanish. You talk to this guy.
RICO: Hola! Yo quiero una pizza con queso y...
VOICE ON PHONE: Leningrad stoli rasputin.... stupinski amerikansis! *click*
Rico shrugs and hangs up the phone.
RICO: Um... I don't think we're in their delivery area, amigo.
JACK: Ugh... now what? I'v got the munchies so bad I could like the grease off those McDonald's wrappers.
RICO: ¡Ai carumba!
*knock knock*
Jack and Rico eye the door suspiciously.
RICO: Um... could that be the pizza?
JACK: No, stupid... we aren't in their area, remember?
The door swings open and its....
TACO BELL DOG: You hombres want some tender, flaky chalupas?
RICO: ¡Mi madre! The Taco Bell dog is here to save the day!
JACK: Mon... he must follow us around or something.
TACO BELL DOG: How about a gordita?
RICO: I think it's because you got him high last time....
TACO BELL DOG: Give me weeeeeeeed!!
JACK: Mon... I think you're right!
The Taco Bell dog leaps up on the desk and growls at Jack.
TACO BELL DOG: I want weeeed now, you eeeediot!
Jack leaps to his feet.
JACK: Run, mon! This dog has a bad case of REEFER MADNESS!!
RICO: AHHHHHHHH!!
TACO BELL DOG: Weeeeeeeedd!!
Jack and Rico run out of the room. The Taco Bell dog chases after them.
The camera fades on the annoucners' desk, located at ring side and surrounded by tens of thousands of insane UWF fans. Signs pop up everywhere, some reading: "GOING POSTAL" and "I make Sluttly look like Donna Reed."
SHCHEEVONE: We're starting the evening off with a four-way dance between four of the UWF's most recent hires!
OVERVIEW: Mitch is talking about Blacksnake, "General" Nollid Hawkins, Danny Dynasty, and Sean "The Chosen One" Blaze!
WESSIN: Who are these guys?
SHCHEEVONE: They're four angry men, looking to make themselves a name here in the Universal Wrestling Federation! The winner of this match tonight will receive a shot at the Television Title in one week on Saturday Night Slaughter!
Blacksnakes' theme hits the airwaves as he makes his way to the ring recieving a decent crowd reaction. He gets in the ring and waits for the other 3 men in the match. Then a drum cadence plays as "The General" Nollid Hawkins walks to the ring getitng a well deserved face pop. He immediatly goes after Blacksnake.
SHCHEEVONE:Well I guess they are not waiting for the bell. Or the other two opponents.
"Machine Head" by BUSH starts to blast on the airwaves as Danny Dynasty rushes to the ring. Then without any music at all Sean Blaze runs down the rampway like a bat out of hell. He grabs Dynasty and starts throwing punches.
SHCHEEVONE:Well here we go with the begining of the match. Sean Blaze is tying it up with Danny Dynasty.
OVERVIEW: The General and Blacksnake in the corner exchanging blows. Blacksnake whips General into the ropes.
SHCHEEVONE:General comes back with a clothesline.
OVERVIEW: Dynsasty picks up Sean and levels him with a snap suplex. He lifts him again for another. The ref counts 1....2....KICKOUT!!
SHCHEEVONE:General picks up Blacksnake and holds him in the air for...
CROWD: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5.... 6... 7....
OVERVIEW:What incredible strength by The General as he holds Blacksnake up in the air for 8 seconds before delivering a wicked jackhammer.
SHCHEEVONE:Nollid walks over to Dynasty and they start double teaming Sean. Danny picks up Sean and throws him out of the ring.
OVERVIEW: Danny is looking down at the ring laughing. General back up...OUCH!!! General with a superkick to the back of the head of Danny.
SHCHEEVONE:Dynasty rolls over the ropes and out of the ring.
OVERVIEW: Blacksnake gets up. He slowly makes his way to the turnbuckle. Nollid does not see him. The General is looking at the floor where Blaze and Danny are laying.
SHCHEEVONE: Blacksnake jumps off...DROPKICK!!!
OVERVIEW: Blacksnake dropkicked General to the ring floor. Blacksnake pulls General to the middle of the ring...He puts him in a sharpshooter.
SHCHEEVONE: General is in pain. Blaze is getting up...he slides in the ring.
OVERVIEW: Blacksnake has it locked in...CLOTHESLINE!!
SHCHEEVONE: Blaze picks up Blacksnake...POWERBOMB!!! Nollid slowly gets up...PILEDRIVER!!!
OVERVIEW: Blaze is going crazy here. He climbs out of the ring and throws Danny in. He climbs back in the ring and lifts up Danny and then flattens him with a Russin Legsweep. He goes for the cover 1....2....KICKOUT!!!
SHCHEEVONE: Blaze is mad. He covers Blacksnake 1....2....SHOULDER UP!!!
OVERVIEW: Now he is trying his luck with General. 1......2.....3NO!! Danny pulled Blacksnake off.
WESSIN: That was pretty funny. Blaze tried to pin all three guys. And failed all three times.
OVERVIEW: Not for him its not.
SHCHEEVONE: Danny picks up Sean...DDT!! He picks him up again...Neckbreaker.
OVERVIEW: Danny climbs to the top turnbuckle...Blacksnake slowly gets up..
SHCHEEVONE: Danny is perched on the top turnbuckle...He leaps off...POWERBOMB!!!
OVERVIEW: DANNY WENT FOR A HURRICANRANNA BUT BLACKSNAKE REVERSED IT INTO A POWERBOMB!!!
SHCHEEVONE: The cover 1.....2......BROKEN UP!!! Sean managed to kick Blacksnake in the head causing the pin to be broken up.
WESSIN:Get em Sean.
OVERVIEW: Blaze lifts up Blacksnake and then puts him over his shoulder...he runs with him and....GORILLA PRESS SLAM!!!
SHCHEEVONE: Dynasty to the top rope....Blaze with the cover...Dynasty leaps off...1....2....BROKEN UP AGAIN!!! DYNASTY CONNECTED WITH A HEAD BUTT TO BREAK UP THE COUNT!!!
OVERVIEW: GENERAL HAS DYNASTY BY THE LEGS HE HAS HIM IN A FIGURE FOUR!!!!
SHCHEEVONE: SEAN HAS GENERAL BY THE HEAD!!! UN IN FLAMES!! UP IN FLAMES!! THATS HIS FINISHER!! BLACKSNAKE TO THE TOP TURNBUCKLE!! VENOM SPLASH ON DYNASTY!!!
OVERVIEW: Blacksnake grabs Sean and whips him around....POWERBOMB!!! Blacksnake covers Dynasty. The ref counts 1.....2.....3!!! ITS OVER!!! ITS OVER!! WHAT A MATCH!!
SHCHEEVONE: BLACKSNAKE DID IT!! HE WON THE MATCH!! OH MY THIS MATCH WAS CRAZY!!!
OVERVIEW: That gets Blacksnake a shot at the Television Title!! Now we just need to find out who'll be defending it!!
WESSIN: Wheee!
SHCHEEVONE: Well, that'll be decided soon....
OVERVIEW: That's right, PJ will be taking on....
SHCHEEVONE: Wait a second, gentlemen. I've got word that Vinny Dedducci is arriving. There are rumors going around that Tony Canolli's going to pay Vinny back for that brutal attack on his knee late last week.... Let's check it out....
The scene cuts to the rear parking garage. A black Lexus pulls into a slot and the engine shuts off. Vinny Deducci, accompanied by his girlfriend, Cassandra, step out of the car.
SHCHEEVONE: Vinny has arrived, but no one has seen Tony Canolli at all yet this evening. There are unconfirmed reports that he arrived earlier, but nobody knows for sure.
WESSIN: Yea well, where ever Tony is he better stay clear of Deducci. His knee cant take another beating with that hammer!
OVERVIEW: Tony promised there would be an equalizer made before the match if Ellis made him fight!
Vinny opens his trunk to get his bags. Suddenly, from out of the shadows, Tony Canolli leaps up on the car hood andjumps to the roof of the car! With an insane look in his eye, he raises his baseball bat over his head. Vinny looks up and ....
SHCHEEVONE: Here comes the Equalizer!! Tony just walloped Deducci right across the face with the butt end of that baseball bat!! Vinny hits the ground hard and Tony pounces on him, delivering hard right hands to the face.
OVERVIEW: Here comes that tramp Cassandra! She leaps on Tonys back!! And probably enjoying it too... let's not forget Tony was once voted UWF's biggest Ladies Man!
WESSIN: Thats just because I wasnt nominated!!
SHCHEEVONE: Don't make me laugh! Whats this?
SHCHEEVONE: Tony just dumped her in the trunk of the car and slammed it shut!! You can hear her piercing Howard Beach voice screaming and banging on the trunk hood!! This is priceless!!
WESSIN: Aww poor baby, maybe in her vulnerable state...
OVERVIEW: Wessin, don't even think about it....
SHCHEEVONE: Deducci from behind!! He clobbered Tony in the back with a 2x4!! Tony hits the pavement in the garage. Vinny lifts Tony's leg up on the bumper and rears back....
OVERVIEW: NO!! Tony moved, Vinny smashed the bumper of his Lex, Tony rolls out of the way of a nother shot!! LEG SWEEP!! Deducci crashes down hard! Tony up and he has that ball bat!
OVERVIEW: Tony just smashed Vinnys knee!! Deducci is screaming in pain as Tony continues jabbing that bat into the side of Vinnys knee!!
WESSIN: Thank God!! Here comes security!!
Canolli tosses the bat towards the group of security as they scatter. He runs out, making his escape.
SHCHEEVONE: I cant believe what we have just witnessed! Tony, battered knee and all just did what he said he would do, and that is EVEN THE ODDS!
OVERVIEW: We'll have to see just what kind of damage Tony did to Vinny when we get back from commerical, folks. Stay tuned!!
Fade out....
The camera pans across Goat Island, which is located at the very tip of the Niagra Falls. Mitchell Shcheevone does a voice-over....
SHCHEEVONE: Next up we've got another FIRST in UWF history!!
OVERVIEW: That's right!! Live from Goat Island, on the very tip of the Niagra Falls, we're proud to present the first-EVER FEAR of NIAGRA MATCH!!
SHCHEEVONE: Let me explain it alittle bit. The match will be viewed via satellite from Goat Island, which is at the top of the Horseshoe Falls. Goat Island is not very big, two square miles roughly. It has been "cleared" out for this match. The only things left standing are some trees, big rocks, and bushes. The peek of Goat Island is about 30 meters from the brink of the Falls and from land... about 150 meters. From the side of Goat Island, there has been a special wood and rope bridge that stretches to a 20x20 foot square platform 50 metres from land. The platform is surrounded by a 10-foot high fence. After both men have gone into the fencing, the door will be locked, and they will be unable to go back to the Island. At the top of the fencing, there is a key hanging. Someone must get the key, in order to unlock the other door and leave the fenced area. Once outside of the fenced area, a 50 metre walk along a sidewalk-like structure, which only has a 5 foot high handrail on both sides, will lead you to land.
OVERVIEW: And whoever gets to land first is declared the winner of the match!!
WESSIN: WOW!! That sure is a lot to remember. Does the island have weapons on it?
SHCHEEVONE: Besides rocks and other natural weapons, there is a kendo stick.
WESSIN: Oh well that sucks.
SHCHEEVONE:Ok here we go.
The camera zooms in on Brendan Psikase and Solidis standing on the island staring at each other. Between them is a referee. He points to the screen.
SHCHEEVONE: And here we go. Solidis charges at Psikase and knocks him down to the ground.
OVERVIEW: Psikase back to his feet. He grabs Solidis by the head and and is dragging him by the hair.
SHCHEEVONE: Psikase has Solidis' head. He is about to ram it into the tree stump... Solidis reverses. He puts his boot up and blocks him.
OVERVIEW: Solidis grabs Psikase by the head and slams him into the tree stump....
SHCHEEVONE: And Psiksase just falls to the ground.
OVERVIEW: And listen to the roar of the Falls!! It's a haunting sound that means certain DEATH for any man unlucky enough to fall in!!
WESSIN: Rock 'n' roll!
SHCHEEVONE: Speaking of rock, Solidis just lifted one up. He is standing over Brendan's face...no he cant....he wouldn't....
SHCHEEVONE: Thank god!! Psikase was able to move out of the way and the rock hit the ground.
WESSIN: That could've made this match blessedly short!
OVERVIEW: Solidis lifts Psikase to his feet and onto his shoulder. He is gonna ram Brendan into that rock.
SHCHEEVONE: POWERBOMB!!
OVERVIEW: Sweet god!! Brendan slipped off of Solidis's back and bulldogged him right into that rock!!
SHCHEEVONE: Solidis is busted wide open. Psikase is back to his feet!!
OVERVIEW:Psiksase is moving towards the bridge. He is slowly making his way to it. Solidis is up. He is starting to follow Psikase, though he's wobbling a bit....
SHCHEEVONE: I don't know... that bridge looks might unsteady. Especially with both men on it.
WESSIN: Look at it sway back and forth.... I'm going to be sick just watching it!
OVERVIEW: Psiksase is trying to get to the other side as quickly as possible.
SHCHEEVONE: Solidis is speeding up. He is running at Psikase and Brendan doesn't even see him coming... CLOTHESLINE!!!
OVERVIEW: Sweet lord!! Solidis clotheslined Psikase and he almost fell off the bridge!! The ref is now helping Psikase up!!
SHCHEEVONE: THIS MATCH IS CRAZY!! PSIKASE WAS ALMOST KILLED!!!
WESSIN: Serves him right. This match was his idea!!
OVERVIEW: Solidis jumps over Psikase and the briges starts to sway ever more. Solidis makes it to the other end. He is reaching in his pocket. What does he have?
SHCHEEVONE: He's got a SWITCHBLADE!! GOOD GOD!!
SHCHEEVONE:The ref and Psikase are running to the other end as fast as they can!! The bridge is starting to collapse. The one side is gone. Solidis is nuts!!
WESSIN: There goes the bridge!!
OVERVIEW: MY GOD!! The referee's climbing onto the island on a rope, but where'd Psikase go!? MY GOD!!
SHCHEEVONE: GOD NO!! WHERE IS Brendan?? WAS HE STILL ON THE BRIDGE?? LETS SEE IF WE CAN GET A CAMERA FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE BRIDE AND SEE IF WE CAN FIND HIM!!!
OVERVIEW: There he is!!! He's hanging on the platform for dear life!! He is trying to climb back up. Solidis and the referee don't see him.
SHCHEEVONE:T he ref is giving the victory to Solidis on by default. The ref is raising Solidis's hand. No!! YOU CANT DO THIS!! PSIKASE IS RIGHT HERE!!
OVERVIEW: LOOK!!!!
The camera shows Psikase grabing a the side of the platform and lifting himself up. The ref looks down as Psiksase all soaked in water lays on the platform out of breath. He throws Solidis's arm down and yells to finish the match.
SHCHEEVONE:Thank god!! Solidis lifts up Psikase and slams him down to the platform with a bear hug slam. The ref grabs the cage door and locks it. Then he goes to the other side and locks it. He points to the key hanging above the door, letting Solidis and Psikase know where it is.
OVERVIEW: The key is hanging about 5 feet above the door on the other side of the platform.
WESSIN: Come on Solidis!! He is hurt. Grab the key and get out of there.
SHCHEEVONE: Shut up you idiot. Psikase slowly gets up. Solidis is trying to set him up for a powerbomb....LOWBLOW!!!
OVERVIEW: Psikase with a lowblow on Solidis. Psikase is up. He sees the kendo stick and is heading for it.
WESSIN: Get the key, you moron!
SHCHEEVONE: Psikase has the stick.... Solidis is up. Psiksase is moving towards Solidis. Psikase swings....
SHCHEEVONE: And all he hits is fence!! Solidis ducked and then drop kicked Psikase. Psikase dropped the kendo stick. Solidis picks it up. He swings...
OVERVIEW: Brendan ducked and the Kendo stick cracked in half on that fence!
SHCHEEVONE: Brendan charges at Solidis is barrels him over. Psikase yelling at Solidis to get up.
OVERIEW: He does and Brendan knocks him down with a left, Solidis back up and goes down with a right.
SHCHEEVONE: Brendan has Solidis setup for a DDT. He runs....MY GOD!!! DDT right into that steel fence!!
OVERVIEW: Solidis, head was just smashed in that steele fence. Psikase is staggering over to the key. He is jumping for it but can't reach.
SHCHEEVONE: WAIT? What is he doing?? He is climbing the fencing. Trying to get the key.
OVERVIEW: Ok... Solidis is up. He is trying to pull Psikase down. Psikase hitting him with boots to the face. Psikase leaps off...
SHCHEEVONE:Hes got it!!! HE'S GOT THE KEY!!! Psikase running to the door. He is trying to unlock it. Solidis is grabbing for the key from Psikase....
OVERVIEW: IT'S UNLOCKED!! THE DOOR IS OPEN!!! Both men are slowly making their way out the door. Its just a 50 meter walk to victory.
SHCHEEVONE: Psikase is leading Solidis. Solidis trying to get past him. Psikase swings around...
SHCHEEVONE:JESUS CHRIST!! PSIKASE JUST DEMOLISHED SOLIDIS WITH A SIDESLAM ON THE SIDEWALK!!! Psikase is stumbling to the end. He is almost there, 20 meters maybe....
OVERVIEW: Psikase is dead tired. His knees are shaking. He can barely make it. Solidis slowly getting up.
SHCHEEVONE: Solidis is now charging at Psikase....
OVERVIEW: OH MY GOD IN HEAVEN!!! SOLIDIS CRACKED A ROCK OVER PSIKSASE HEAD!!! PSIKASE IS DOWN AND OUT!! SOLIDIS IS MAKING HIS WAY TO THE FINISH!!! NO!!! NO!!!
OVERVIEW: HE DID IT!! HE MADE IT TO LAND!!! ITS OVER!! SOLIDIS WINS!! SOLIDIS WINS THE UWF'S FIRST EVER FEAR OF NIAGRA MATCH!!!
WESSIN: Probably the ONLY "Fear of Niagra" match after we get done paying the lawyers' fees.
SHCHEEVONE: CONRGRADULATIONS TO SOLIDIS! BOTH HE AND BRENDAN REALLY GAVE US A SHOWING HERE!!!
OVERVIEW: We're going to commercial, folks, but we'll be right back in just a minute...!!
Fade....
The scene switches to the bedroom of a teenage boy. Young Joe sits slumped over on his bed with a distressed look on his face. Suddenly, there's a knock on the door....
* KNOCK KNOCK *
Joe's father enters the room with a concerned look on his face.
FATHER: Son... I think it's time we had that... "special" talk.
JOE: But Dad!
FATHER: No buts, son. You're getting older and it's about time you were let in on a little "secret."
JOE: But....!
FATHER: Now, now... I know this might be an uncomfortable topic, but it's better you hear it from me now than someone else later.
Joe slumps his shoulders defeatedly.
FATHER: There comes a time when men must be men, Joe. I'm not going to tell you about the birds and the bees.... I'm just going to say this: when you're about to bed a pretty young philly, be sure you're wearing a STALLION brand condom! Whether you want to use the REINBUSTER or the THUNDERING HOOVES, STALLION brand condoms get you the gold each and every time!
JOE: Are you trying to say STALLION brand condoms will make me a champion with the ladies?
FATHER: Let's just say that using STALLION brand condoms is like putting your horse out to stud, Joe.
Joe's father hands him a box of STALLION brand condoms.
FATHER: STALLION brand condoms. Let the philly in your life understand that you know how to handle yourself in the ring, from the first lock-up to the final finishing move!
Fade in....
The camera cuts backstage, TJ McCullock is caught racing around the corner, he bumps into Dean, the #2 PJmaniak, and Mr. McPheely. Dean has a big hoagie in his mouth and Mr. McPheely looks hammered.
Mr. McPHEELY: WHOOOOOOA! Watch it there *hic* sport.
TJ: YOU GUYS! I GOT IT!
DEAN: Got what?
TJ: I finally figured out how to get rid of PJs stupid Postman gimmic!
Mr. McPHEELY: Now why would yah wanna go do that son? I told yah, postmen get laid, the women dig the uniform....and not just the ugly ones! Or the fat ones!?
TJ: Look, i figured out how to turn PJ back to his godly self and NOBODY is gonna stop me....especially not some drunk loser!
TJ scampers off...Mr. McPheely turns to Dean
Mr. McPHEELY: I think he's talking about you.
The shot switches back to the ring, located outside of the Lincoln Memorial.
SHCHEEVONE: And we're back!
OVERVIEW: It looks like TJ McCullock is up to something again...
WESSIN: Crazy kid!
SHCHEEVONE: Next up we've got the final round of the Television Title Tournament, folks! "The Postman" P.J. Brown is going head-to-head with "Little Dragon" Lee for the rights to the belt!
OVERVIEW: This tournament started weeks ago with eight belt-hungry men... but the weeks have worn down the competition to these two men. One, a martial arts master from the Far East. The other... a... um...
WESSIN: ... A mail man from Canada.
SHCHEEVONE: That's right! Let's see what these guys can do to each other....
"Unleash the Dragon" by Sisquo is queued up and he walks out to a decent reception from the fans. He's outfitted in a baggy pair of martial arts pants and a headband that says "ENTER THE DRAGON." He seems focused on the match at hand as walks quietly to the ring before getting in and walking to his corner.
WESSIN: Jeez smile kid... you're in the final! Liven up a bit.
OVERVIEW: It's his way of preparing, give him a break.
WESSIN: He's too small to prove any serious challenge to the POSTMAN!!
SHCHEEVONE: He may be small, Jase, but he more than makes up for it in speed and technical ability.
P.A. SYSTEM: Heeeeeeey-eyyy waitaminute Mr. Postman...!!
"Postman" by the Carpenters is put on the PA and PJ Brown walks out to a mixed reaction. He tips his wide-brimmed mail-carriers' hat and slings his mail bag over his shoulder. He ignores the sign held out by an angry fan that says: MAIL MEN SUCK! He just walks into the ring, tosses his bag to the side, and stretches.
OVERVIEW: PJ has made quite an impact since he returned to the UWF and this has culminated in his rapid rise in the TV rankings.
WESSIN: Please... the guy is dressed as a postman and his catchphrase is.... THE POSTMAN ALWAYS DELIVERS... I rest my case!
SHCHEEVONE: Do you ever give anyone any credit?!?!
WESSIN: Only when I look in the mirror!
SHCHEEVONE: The two wrestlers start it off in the middle of the ring... side headlock takedown by PJ, reversed by Lee who hops up and kicks PJ in the gut before dropping him with a knee lift. Lee off the ropes as PJ gets up... saw kick and PJ is down and there's the cover...
REFEREE: 1....2....
OVERVIEW: And a shoulder up! Too early to get PJ Brown! Lee sends PJ into the ropes... leapfrog by Lee and another.... HE TRIES THIRD TIME BUT PJ CATCHES HIM AND SENDS HIM DOWN HARD WITH A SPINEBUSTER! Brown with a scoop slam before he kicks Lee to the outside....
WESSIN: Is it really necessary for them to keep coming over to us?!?!
SHCHEEVONE: PJ grabs Lee and tires to send him face first into the railing, blocked, elbow to the throat by Lee and PJ's staggered, another and he backs off... LEE LEAPS ONTO THE RAILING... MOONSAULT... CAUGHT BY PJ... HE RAMS LEE BACK FIRST INTO THE RINGPOST! VETERAN MOVE BY PJ AND THE YOUNG "DRAGON" LEE IS IN A WORLD OF HURT!
WESSIN: Confucius say "Dragon with bad back is totally fucked!"
OVERVIEW: Guess that'll be bleeped out!
SHCHEEVONE: PJ throws Lee into the rind and whips him into the ropes.... TILT-A-WHIRL BACKBREAKER AND PJ HOLDS LEE ACROSS HIS KNEE IN A SUBMISSION HOLD!!
OVERVIEW: PJ's been here before, he knows what he's doing.
WESSIN: PJ's been to Washington before?!
OVERVIEW: No... err... yes... I mean.... I don't know... oh you know what I meant Wessin!
SHCHEEVONE: The ref is asking Lee but he's saying no. He's in a TV title match and there's no way he'll give up, PJ cranks down on Lee's head and legs to drive his back into PJ's knee and once more the ref asks.
WESSIN: Confucius say "He who give up is big pussy!"
SHCHEEVONE: Lee with a second wind... knife edge chop to PJ's throat... and a second... a third releases the hold and both men lie on the floor. PJ up first, scoop slam.... no Lee floats over.... kick to PJ's gut and a spinning heel kick sends him down as Lee executes a somersault bridge pin...
OVERVIEW: 1... 2....
SHCHEEVONE: PJ pushes out! DDT by Lee and Brown is down again, Lee off the ropes.DIVING HEADBUTT AND THERE'S THE COVER..1....2.... PJ JUST GETS OUT AND I MEAN JUST! Lee drills PJ with a superkick and comes off the ropes again... ANOTHER DIVING HEADBUTT... PJ ROLLS OUT THE WAY AND LEE CONNECTS WITH THE APRON!
WESSIN: Confucius say "He who dives headfirst at opponentis daft bastard!"
SHCHEEVONE: PJ staggers to his feet as Lee lies on the mat holding his head, swinging neck breaker by PJ, picks Lee up and executes a high vertical suplex and goes for the pin....
OVERVIEW: 1...2....LEE JUST KICKS OUT IN TIME!
SHCHEEVONE: PJ LOOKS LIKE HE HAS HIS SECOND WIND.... BIG PILEDRIVER AND LEE IS IN PAIN, T-BONE SUPLEX AND ANOTHER PIN BY PJ.
REFEREE: 1.. 2...
SHCHEEVONE: NO, NO, NO! LEE ROLLS THE SHOULDER AT THE LAST SECOND! PJ can sense victory as he whips Lee into the ropes, Lee ducks his clothesline, Lee ducks the big boot, SPINNING ELBOW DRIVE BY LEE!!
OVERVIEW: Beautiful move!!
SHCHEEVONE: Lee has the advantage over the Postman here...Lee with an irish whip... WHAT A MOVE! HEAD SCISSORS TAKE DOWN BY LEE!
The crowd pops!
OVERVIEW: LOOK AT THE RUNWAY!!
WESSIN: ITS SCREEEETCH!
SHCHEEVONE: NO...ITS TJ! THE #1 PJmaniak....he has something up his sleeve i can tell!
OVERVIEW: Meanwhile Lee and PJ pay no attension....Lee tosses PJ into the ropes once again....BIG DROPKICK! NOW LEE IS SIGNALING!! COULD BE THE RETURN OF THE DRAGON!!...WAIT!? TJ IS ON THE APRON!?
OVERVIEW: TJ JUST SMOKED LEE WITH THAT MAILBAG!?
SHCHEEVONE: WHY ON EARTH!? PJ DIDN'T SEE IT!?....PJ is over....he grabs Lee...SPECIAL DELIVERY! ITS LOCKED ON!!...The ref is checking Lee.
OVERVIEW: ITS OVER! HE'S OUT COLD!
SHCHEEVONE: NEW TV CHAMP! NEW TV CHAMP! PJ BROWN WINS THE TITLE!....He doesn't even know it but TJ screwed Lee out of a possible win!
OVERVIEW: TJ is walking out of the arena....he said he had a sure fire plan to get back PJs godly ways? And then he goes and helps him win a match?....I have NO idea what TJ is up to, but we got a new TV Champ.
SHCHEEVONE: PJ is over-joyed! He really wanted that Television Title!!
WESSIN: Everyone needs a new paperweight eventually!
OVERVIEW: But what's TJ's motive? How could this help bring back "the God?"
WESSIN: Maybe the Television Title has magic powers.
SHCHEEVONE: Magic powers? Give me a break....
WESSIN: Stranger things have happened....
OVERVIEW: Speaking of stranger things, our next match is between Derrick D. Tadium and "McGay" Stevie McJ!
SHCHEEVONE: This is a "manager leaves town match," in which the loser's valet is banned from appearing on live UWF events!
OVERVIEW: That means that if DDT loser, Erin takes a hike....
SHCHEEVONE: ... or, in the other case, if McJeffries loses, Angie gets her pink slip!
OVERVIEW: Either way, after watching these two tear each other apart for weeks, I expect one knock down, drag out battle between these two tonight!
"Stinkfist" by Tool explodes on the P.A. system and Derrick D. Tadium and Erin appear at the top of the ramp. He holds his arms up triumphantly and displays the Extreme Championship Belt to all in attendance. With a smirk, he points to a sign that reads: "DDT brought McJ out of the CLOSET " He shrugs and climbs into the ring.
SHCHEEVONE: There he is, one of the men who gave 'The Future' one of the most memorable gimmicks ever!
WESSIN: Say what he really is.... a McDonald's employee and male prostitute!
OVERVIEW: You can't stop saying it can you?!?!
WESSIN: No.... he's a McDonald's employee and male prostitute!!
SHCHEEVONE: And here comes our special guest referee for the evening.... "Holy Ryder" Jimmy Valentine!!
A series of Gregorian chants play over the P.A. system as "the Holy Ryder," Jimmy Valentine, appears under the TraumaTron to a loud heel pop. The crowd showers him with garbage as he makes his way to the ring, clad in the black and white stripes of the ring official.
SHCHEEVONE: What do you make of Jimmy Valentine's sudden return to the ring, Jase?
WESSIN: Jimmy who?
OVERVIEW: Well, personally, I find it shocking!
WESSIN: You find Miller Lite shocking.
"Larger Than Life" begins to play across the Capitol Mall and Stevie McJeffries, wearing his McDonalds' uniform and a pair of assless leather chaps, charges down to the ring and slides under the ropes. He looks pissed!
SHCHEEVONE: STEVE HAS HAD ENOUGH! HE'S SEEN THE MAN WHO'S MADE HIM A LAUGHING STOCK AND HE'S RETALIATING! RIGHT AFTER RIGHT AT DDT AND TADIUM IS BACKED INTO THE CORNER, WHIPPED INTO THE OTHER TURNBUCKLE...WHAT IMPACT! BIG CLOTHESLINE BY McJEFFRIES AND DDT GOES OVER THE TOP ROPE!!
OVERVIEW: Jimmy Valentine's giving DDT a quick count!!
SHCHEEVONE: He's definately favoring Stevie McJ in this match!!
OVERVIEW: ... but Stevie passes on the quick, easy win and goes outside after DDT!!
SHCHEEVONE: McJeffries is beside us as he rams Tadium's skull into the guard railing. Look at the force he's using! Valentine won't break it up and Stevie's just letting loose here....
SHCHEEVONE: McJeffries lets up and DDT crumples to the floor in a heap! Angie's over for a few quick kicks to Tadium's mid-section!!
OVERVIEW: When you make someone do that type of work you have to expect this kind of punishment!! What DDT made Steve do was degrading, filthy and humiliating.
WESSIN: Damn right.... I've always preferred Burger King myself too!
OVERVIEW: I was referring to the male prostitution par... oh never mind.
SHCHEEVONE: McJeffries has DDT in the ring and has him backed into the corner as he scales the ropes and starts to wail away at DDT's cut head.... punch after punch....
CROWD: 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... 9... 10....
SHCHEEVONE: And Jimmy Valentine won't break them up!!
CROWD: 11... 12... 13... 14.... 15.... 16....
OVERVIEW: Tadium drops to the canvas and Stevie goes to the top rope... FLYING KNEE FINDS ITS MARK AND THERE'S THE COVER...
CROWD: 1... 2...thr...
SHCHEEVONE: Quick count by Jimmy Valentine, but Tadium manages to kick out... but just barely!!
OVERVIEW: Stevie fires him into the ropes... attempted clothesline.... duckedfloat over by DDT... .DDT BY DDT! Err....did that make sense?
WESSIN: About as much as usual.
SHCHEEVONE: Derrick T. Tadium puts the boots to McJeffries, in hopes of making a quick comeback... now he picks him up and delivers a snap suplex.
OVERVIEW: DDT is losing a lot of blood! He looks weak.
WESSIN: I heard McGay lost a load of blood on his first night!
OVERVIEW: That's too much! No more, please!
SHCHEEVONE: DDT with a hangman's neck breaker and there's the pin....
OVERVIEW: Valentine kicks DDT in the back of the head!! The referee broke the pin!!
SHCHEEVONE: DDT is in Valentine's face!!
WESSIN: What did he expect? He told Stevie he could pick the referee!
SHCHEEVONE: McJeffries is up and DDT doesn't see him coming.... Irish Whip into the turnbuckle....
OVERVIEW: McJeffries is signalling.... oh no....
WESSIN: Oh yes!!
SHCHEEVONE: McJeffries is across the ring and... ROUGH RIDER!! ROUGH RIDER!!
WESSIN: The most homo-erotic move in wrestling!
OVERVIEW: Well, you can't say Derrick didn't bring that on himself by branding Stevie a gay prostitute!
WESSIN: Yeehaa! Ride him horsey!
SHCHEEVONE: Stevie's got DDT by the hair!! Pulling piledriver!!
The crowd pops!
OVERVIEW: On the runway.... it's Mikey Masters!
SHCHEEVONE: What the?! He's injured... out of wrestling!! By Stevie's own hand!!
WESSIN: The only good thing Stevie ever did.
OVERVIEW: Masters is up on the apron... Jimmy Valentine doesn't see him coming....
SHCHEEVONE: Mikey nails Jimmy Valentine with a chair shot to the back of the head!! The crowd's going nuts!! Stevie's yelling at an old woman in the front row... he doesn't see Mikey!!
OVERVIEW: Mikey on the top rope.... Stevie's turning around....
SHCHEEVONE: Mikey with a heartstopper from the top rope... FLOORS MCJEFFRIES!!
OVERVIEW: Mikey's got that chair again....
SHCHEEVONE: And he nails McJeffries twice!! That's gotta hurt!!
OVERVIEW: ... And Mikey's out of the ring!! He might have just cost McJeffries the match.... Both DDT and McJeffries are down... and Valentine's crawling to his feet here....
WESSIN: This is the part where the crooked referee, played by Jimmy Valentine, pulls the unconscious body of the bad guy, Stevie McJeffries, ontop of the unconscious body of the good guy, DDT.
SHCHEEVONE: Valentine is up... he looks groggy, though. He's shaking his head... surveying the scene. Both McJeffries and DDT are down in front of him....
OVERVIEW: He's walking over to McJeffries and DDT.... HE'S DRAGGING DERRICK D TADIUM ON TOP OF MCJEFFRIES!! WHAT'S GOING ON HERE!?
SHCHEEVONE: He's counting.... 1... 2... 3....!!
OVERVIEW: And DDT seals the win!! McJeffries' own crooked ref turned on him!!
WESSIN: Um... okay, so I was wrong.
SHCHEEVONE: What's the deal here?! Valentine is helping DDT up.... DDT's got McJeffries....
OVERVIEW: DDTadium!! DDTadium on McJeffries!!
SHCHEEVONE: Meanwhile, Erin's across the ring....
OVERVIEW: She floors Angie with a wicked slap across the face!!
WESSIN: Cat fight!!
OVERVIEW: Valentine's got a pink slip.... he's stuffing it in Angie's mouth!! Angie's been banned from the UWF!! What a crazy match!!
SHCHEEVONE: So much for Stevie McJeffries tonight!! DDT takes the win!! He's celebrating in the center of the ring with Erin.... and here comes "Little Dragon" Lee!!
OVERVIEW: These guys deserve it after all the garbage McJeffries has been pulling over the past couple of weeks.
SHCHEEVONE: Well, next up, we've got...
OVERVIEW: Wait a second, Mitch.... I'm getting some feed from backstage....
SHCHEEVONE: Well let's check it out!
The scene cuts backstage where Tony Canolli is waiting near the vending machines. He leans up against them checking his watch. The knee is brace is noticeably fascinated around Tonys right knee.
WESSIN: Hey Mitch, whats your pal doin' now?
SHCHEEVONE: Damned if I know but he's yet to disappoint me!
Suddenly a man walks up to Tony. They begin discussing something. Their talk seems of a secretive nature.
OVERVIEW: Who in the hell is that?
WESSIN: Can someone please tell one of our MENTALLY CHALLENGED cameramen to get a damned close up! We're staring at shadows!
SHCHEEVONE: Is that....why would he? I think its....Yes, it is.... It's BRENDAN PSIKASE!! A new comer to the UWF!!What is going on??
Tony Canolli looks up as does Psikase. Tony shoves the camera away from the man as Psikase slams the door shut.
OVERVIEW: Im at a loss for words... I have no idea what these two are plotting or why?
SHCHEEVONE: We'll find out in a matter of minutes, Dave! Tony faces off against Vinny Dedducci NEXT, after THESE commerical messages!
Fade out....
"The Way I Am" By Eminem blasts throughout the loud speakers as Vinny Deducci step through the curtains with Cassandra on his arm. As he makes his way down the aisle empty soda cans and wrappers are being hurled towards DeDucci's head. He steps up on the ring apron and lifts Cassandra over the top rope. He calls for a mic.
DeDUCCI: Tonight Tony, this fued comes to an end, because Im about to END YOU! You come back, and try to enter my world. An EXTREME world! Well, since you are a former Extreme Champion, I say we do this thing HARDCORE STYLE!
OVERVIEW: Vinny has just added a stipulation! An EXTREME STIPULATION! Lets see what Tony has to say about this!
Vinny throws the mic up in the air and leans back against the turnbuckle....
"Sugar" by System of a Down blasts throughout the sound system as the UWFtron lights up and reads...
Tony walks through the curtains with the beautiful Madeline Manicotti on his arm. The make their way down the aisle to a THUNDEROUS ovation from the SOLD OUT crowd. Tony stops on the steps and grabs a mic.
CANOLLI: Hey tough guy!! You want to do this up HARDCORE!! All I say is... JUST....BRING...IT!
OVERVIEW: And it's on!!
SHCHEEVONE: THERE WE GO! ITS GONNA BE INSANE! HERE COMES DEDUCCI!! He swings at Tony while he's still on the steps. Tony ducks! Tony takes the mic and jabs into DeDucci's throat!
OVERVIEW: Ugh... listen to that feedback!!
SHCHEEVONE: Vinny to the ground gasping for air! Tony hops up to the top rope and SPRINGBOARD SPLASH! The quick cover... 1...... 2...... 3thNO!
OVERVIEW: That was almost over before it started!! Tony grabs Deducci by the hair and tosses him back into the turnbuckle, KNIFE EDGE CHOP! and ANOTHER! and ANOTHER! Irish Whip into the opposite turnbuckle!! Tony with a full head of steam!! NO! Deducci got the boot and Vinny EXPLODES out of the corner with a HUGE CLOTHESLINE!!
SHCHEEVONE: Tony goes down hard! Deducci drops a leg and goes up stairs to the second turnbuckle. He's off and Tony GOT THE BOOT UP! Deducci stumbles backwards into the corner! Tony pulls himself up, Deducci comes running at Tony, he catches him and POWERSLAM!! He lifts Deducci up!! REVERSE ATOMIC DROP! and a HUGE CLOTHESLINE! DeDUCCI IS OVER THE TOP ROPE AND DOWN ON THE CONCRETE FLOOR!! Canolli is going upstairs!
WESSIN: Canolli is soooo stupid! He's going out there without any regard for that knee at all!!
OVERVIEW: Deducci disconnects a monitor from the announcers table and.....
OVERVIEW: HE INTERCEPTED CANOLLI IN MID AIR WITH THAT MONITOR!!
SHCHEEVONE: Tony is busted wide open and Deducci is smiling from ear to ear!
SHCHEEVONE: He lifts Tony up and RAMS his back into the ring post!! O JESUS NOW WHAT! He lifts Tony up onto his shoulder now and runs at the ringpost!!
SHCHEEVONE: Tony slides off and SLAMS DeDUCCI into the post!! Now he takes Deducci and HUGE IRISH WHIP down into the metal ring stairs! Tony flips up the ring apron, and sets up a table... No! Two Tables side by side balancing on the ring apron and our announcers' table!!
OVERVIEW: Tony walks over to Deducci who is slumped over in the corner and reaches down for his hair...BUT DEDUCCI GRABS HIS TRUNKS and WHIPS HIM BACKWARDS INTO THE GUARD RAIL! Deducci is up to his feet now, he sees the tables set up and he lets a devilish grin out..... He picks up Tony, and IRISH WHIP! Canolli slides under the tables and out the other side!! Deducci is LIVID! Vinny walks across our announcers' booth towards Tony!
WESSIN: HEY! WATCH OUT FOR MY PORNO MAGS!! HAVE SOME COMPASSION FOR CLEAVAGE!!
OVERVIEW: Deducci leaps off and Tonys Lets a DROPKICK RIP! DeDUCCI CAUGHT THAT RIGHT IN THE GUT!! He falls backwards and hits his head on the Spanish announcers' tables!
WESSIN: Would somebody please go through those god damn tables already !!
SHCHEEVONE: Tony leans against the ring apron to catch his breath, he bends down and touches his knee and grimaces, I think that dropkick took something out of that badly injured knee.
OVERVIEW: Meantime, Deducci has just pushed Spanish Commentator Jorge Pantalones out of his chair! He takes his chair, Tony doesnt doesnt see him and.......
WESSIN: That ball is gone goodbye!! HOMERUN!
SHCHEEVONE: Tony just dropped like a sack of potatoes! Deducci starts teasing the fans in the front row! He drops the chair and goes down for the cover! 1... 2..... THRENOOO!!....
SHCHEEVONE: SOME HOW! SOME WAY! Tony GOT THAT SHOULDER UP! Deducci cant believe it! He's in the ref's face!! He just shoved the ref! Tony, lifts his leg up and LEGSWEEP! DeDucci's neck falls back on the chair! Both men are struggling to get up. Deducci picks up the ring bell off the time keepers table! O no! Tony grabs the chair!! and...
OVERVIEW: CANOLLI GOT THAT CHAIR UP AND DEDUCCI GOT A FACE FULL OF RING BELL!! HE WOBBLES BACK ONTOP OF THOSE TABLES! DEDUCCI IS ON DREAM STREET!! CANOLLI IS PULLING HIMSELF UP TO THE RING APRON!! WHAT IS HE DOING!!?
SHCHEEVONE: He's climbing the top turnbuckle! Wait, whats this UWF officials and paramedics are all coming down the aisle!! Here comes AoD too!! Tony is screaming at them to get out of the way!! And here comes Lawrence Stanley, too!! Madeline Manicotti comes running down the aisle! She's standing there pleading with him not to do it!! Tony has the sickest look I have ever seen on his face! He looks like a man possessed!
OVERVIEW: They aren't moving! Tony is getting more and more on edge....
SHCHEEVONE: Whats this, Tony looks down at Madeline, Deducci eyes are still glazed over from that bell to the face! Tony blow her and kiss and JUMPS..... SENTON BOMB!!
SHCHEEVONE: SENTON BOMB! SENTON MOTHER F'N BOMB!! RIGHT THROUGH THE TABLES!! LOOK AT THE CARNAGE AT RING SIDE!! BLOOD AND BROKEN PIECES OF WOOD ALL OVER THE RING AREA!! BOTH MEN ARENT MOVING!!
OVERVIEW: O no! Whats this? JD LAWSON!! What the hell is he doing here??? He has a singapore CANE!
OVERVIEW: He whaps Ex right over the head! Gent ducks it!! Lawson and Gent start trading blows! Sweet realizes whats goin on and attacks Lawson with Gent! Here comes DDT, PJ BROWN and a STEVE McJ! Everyone wants a piece of AoD!! Everyone is brawling with everyone else! SWEET AND PJ, Lawson and Ex, Gent and DDT! Tony is back up now, Deducci just jumped into the middle and there goes Tony after Vinny, STEVE McJ is attacking DDT now. This is just an all out brawl!! Tony Canolli and Gent are up on the entrance ramp. What are they doing?? They pick up a chair each!!
SHCHEEVONE: EVERYONE IS STILL FIGHTING IT OUT! I CANT BELIEVE THIS MESS!!
All of a sudden the UWFtron lights up and reads...
...as pyrotechnics explode all over the entrance ramp!
WESSIN: Now who in the hell is this in the entrance way??
OVERVIEW: Its BRENDAN PSIKASE!! What is this talented new comer to the UWF doing out here??
SHCHEEVONE: Whatever it is, he has a chair in his hand two! Watch out Tony! Watch out Stanley! He's right behind you! PSIKASE is...STANDING WITH Tony AND STANLEY! What the hell??
OVERVIEW: They all nod at one another and charge the ring area! O my god!!
OVERVIEW: Deducci just got drilled by Stanley...
OVERVIEW: Tony CLOBBERS CHRIS SWEET!!
OVERVIEW: PSIKASE LEVELS McJ!!
OVERVIEW: STANLEY LAYS OUT PJ!
OVERVIEW: TONY GIVES DDT A FACE FULL OF CHAIR!! LAWSON AND EX ARE STILL FIGHTING IT OUT!
OVERVIEW: CANOLLI LAYS OUT EX! O MY GOD!! PSIKASE GRABS LAWSON AND SO DOES TONY! DOUBLE IRISH WHIP TOWARDS GENT...
OVERVIEW: WHO CRACKS LAWSON WIH THAT STEEL CHAIR!!
SHCHEEVONE: What is going on here!! CANOLLI, STANLEY and PSIKASE just ANNIHILATED EVERYONE!! Madeline runs into the awaiting arms of Tony and the four of them make their way back to the locker room! The crowd has a mixed reaction. Some mixed cheers can be heard but mostly the feeling of shock as filled the arena. Regardless of what the crowd thinks, it looks like the CORNERSTONES are here and there only objective is to do some serious damage in the UWF!!
OVERVIEW: I also think it marks a serious END to the ALLIANCE of DEFIANCE!! Ex and Chris Sweet are the only remaining members!! Tony's turned on AoD, joining with Stanley instead!!
WESSIN: It looks as if the BAD have seperated with the GOOD!
SHCHEEVONE: And what does this mean for the up-coming tag match between Damage Inc. and UN Forces? With Agent Steele gone, who's teaming with Stanley?
OVERVIEW: Something tells me we'll find out after this commercial break....
Fade in....
OVERVIEW: And we're back!! The big question right now.... who's facing Damage Inc. tonight along with Lawrence Stanley?!
SHCHEEVONE: I think the answer is close at hand, Dave....
'God Save the Queen' blares out and the crowd pop as Lawrence Stanley walks down the ramp with Alfred behind him. He slaps a few hands with people before rolling into the ring and asking for the mic.
STANLEY: As you all know Agent Steele is unable to compete tonight and until further notice the UN Forces have been put on the shelf. However the tag title match WILL go down tonight and no, I won't be fighting in a handicap match. Tonight you will see the birth of a new tag team.... the Anglo-Italian Connection. So ladies and gentlemen, please welcome my new tag team partner... TONY CANOLLI!
Tony's music plays and he walks out through the curtains to a good cheer from the fans before climbing into the ring and shaking hands with Stanley.
SHCHEEVONE: THIS PPV GETS MORE AND MORE CONFUSING BY THE MINUTE! THE UN FORCES HAVE BEEN OUT ON HOLD BUT THE ANGLO-ITALIAN CONNECTION HAS BEEN BORN!!
OVERVIEW: Two-thirds of the newly-formed Cornerstones are now the Anglo-Italian Connection.... it's AoD versus .... the guys formerly known as AoD!!
WESSIN: My head hurts, who's fighting who again?!?!
"Damage Inc." is queued up and Chris Sweet and Ex walk out with an air of real determination as they strut to the ring. They hand their titles to the ref before sorting out some last minute strategy. The crowd gives them a huge pop!
OVERVIEW: Until this week we'd make comment that this is 4/5's of the AoD... but now we can't!
WESSIN: Well said Overview!
SHCHEEVONE: It looks like Canolli and Sweet are starting out.... they are former tag champs themselves so they'll know each other well. Canolli sends Sweet into the ropes only to be knocked down with a shoulder charge. Sweet off the ropes again with a clothesline... ducked by Tony... hip toss takes Chris to the floor where Tony drops a knee before locking in a headlock. Sweet struggles up and delivers a perfect belly to back suplex that rocks Canolli.
OVERVIEW: An even start so far, but will it last?
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet up first and he tags in Ex as the pair grab Canolli and hit a double suplex as Ex floats over for the pin... 1... 2... roll of the shoulder by Tony!
OVERVIEW: Ex with a backbreaker before laying Tony in the middle of the ring, he comes off the ropes... ELBOW DROP.... MISSED!
SHCHEEVONE: TONY ROLLS OUT THE WAY AND MAKES THE TAG TO THE GENT! STANLEY IN WITH HARD RIGHTS THAT ROCK EX TO THE ROPES, SENDS HIM INTO THEM... .BIG BOOT!
OVERVIEW SWEET IN THE RING, BUT A DROPKICK BY TONY SENDS HIM TO THE OUTSIDE WHERE TONY FOLLOWS!
WESSIN: Hmm..we need some order here fast.
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley with a shoulder breaker on Ex and then covers him..1... 2... roll of the shoulder by Ex. Double arm suplex into a powerbomb by Stanley and he keeps it locked into a pin.1... 2... EX SQUIRMS OUT! Stanley whips him into the ropesreversed... SWEET CATCHES STANLEY WITH A KICK BEHIND THE REF'S BACK! EX WITH A CLOTHESLINE AND HE TAGS IN SWEET!
OVERVIEW: Clever work... that's why they're the tag team champions.
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet picks up Stanley and delivers a front jawbreaker that sends the Gent down as Sweet starts to stomp Stanley who makes it into the corner. Sweet drives his shoulder into the ribs of Stanley before whipping him hard into the other turnbuckle...
OVERVIEW: Stanley staggers out... POWERSLAM BY SWEET AND HE HOOKS THE PIN IN1..2.... 3, NO, NO, NO!
SHCHEEVONE: STANLEY JUST KICKS OUT IN TIME! SWEET MEASURES STANLEY WITH A SUPERKICK.... CAUGHT... NO.... HURRICANRANA BY SWEET AND STANLEY GOES DOWN AGAIN!
OVERVIEW: SWEET TAGS IN EX WHO GOES TO THE TOP ROPE, SWEET SENDS STANLEY INTO THE ROPES AND DRILLS HIM WITH A SIDEWALK SLAM AS EX DROPS A LEG FROM THE TOP ROPE! THERE'S THE COVER, IT MUST BE ALL OVER....1... 2.... FOOT ON THE ROPE! IT'S THE ONLY THING THAT SAVED STANLEY!
OVERVIEW: The champions are showing their dominance here. I think Stanley and Tony are showing that they haven't had much time together.
SHCHEEVONE: Good point Dave... Ex picks the Gent up and hooks in the suplex.... blocked. Ex tries again.... blocked once more.one more try by Ex... float over by the Gent... JACKHAMMER BY STANLEY AND HE AND EX ARE BOTH DOWN!
OVERVIEW: The ref starts the count..1... 2....3... 4... 5...6... 7... 8..9...
SHCHEEVONE: BOTH MEN ARE UP AND THEY ARE STAGGERING TO THEIR CORNERS! WHO WILL GET THERE FIRST? EX TAGS IN! SWEET IS CHARGING INTO THE RING....
OVERVIEW: STANLEY MAKES THE TAG! TONY IS THROUGH THE ROPES AND HE AND SWEET MEET IN THE MIDDLE OF THE RING!
WESSIN: Are they in a hurry or what?!?!
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet with a clothesline that sends Canolli down to the canvas!! He's off the opposite side... ELBOW DROP on Canolli!!
OVERVIEW: Sweet's got Tony by the hair.... he's hoisting him up....
CROWD: 1... 2... 3... 4....
SHCHEEVONE: A monstrous brainbuster by Sweet!! Tony's got to be scrambled!! To go into this right after that hellish extreme match!! How can he take this much damage!?
OVERVIEW: Sweet on the second turnbuckle.... leg drop!! Stanley's reaching to tag out Canolli, but he might as well be in China... there's no way he's getting back in!!
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet's setting Tony up.... SALVATION!! SALVATION!!
OVERVIEW: That has to be it!! Tony's knocked out!! A cover... 1... 2... 3...!!
SHCHEEVONE: And Damage Incorporated keeps the belts!! Stanley's shocked, but there's nothing he can do!!
OVERVIEW: The ring official is helping Tony up.....
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet and Ex, Damage, Inc., are still the UWF Tag Team Champions. Ex slowly raises to his feet and Sweet has already taken the titles. He has both titles and he is making his way to the back.
OVERVIEW: Sweet's got a microphone....
SWEET: Prove yourself tonight Ex. Good luck in the Main Event, buddy. Tear JD Lawson a new asshole for me. I will watch your title for you because I wouldnt want you to CHOKE up with this amazing victory this evening.
OVERVIEW: Ex looks extremely confused in the ring and Sweet has went to the back already. But Damage, Inc. is still UWF World Tag Team Champions. What's with Sweet though?
SHCHEEVONE: Got me, Dave. Word was that he was cured, but perhaps it's just idle rumor....
OVERVIEW: I guess more questions will be answered as "the Savior" faces off against Shawn Smith....
WESSIN: "Mr. Sex!"
OVERVIEW: ... and "the Baron" Case next, for the Intercontinental Championship!
SHCHEEVONE: Wait a second... we're getting some footage from backstage....
The camera cuts back stage, and we see "The General" Nollid Hawkins walking in with a man standing around 6'9".
HAWKINS: I'm glad you made it tonight. I wasn't sure if you would show up or not.
MAN: Do you think I would give up such a great opportunity?
HAWKINS: It's time to teach that little cocksucker a lesson he will never forget.
MAN: His Case is going to be closed for good..
SHCHEEVONE:Who is that man with Hawkins?
OVERVIEW:I 've seen that guy, I just can't remember where.
SHCHEEVONE: Well, if he's of any concern, we'll probably see him in the up-coming match!!
Fade out....
Fade in....
The camera pans across Tony Canolli's locker room, where Lawrence Stanley and Brendan Psikas are helping the master of the Baker's Delight after his grueling match against Vinny D and Damage Inc. Suddenly the lights in the room go out....
STANLEY: I say!?
VOICE: YOU SON OF A BITCH! You did this to me and now you are going to pay.... WELCOME TO HELL!!!
The lights come back on and the room can be seen torn apart. Tony Canolli is beaten and laying in the rubble of a broken table with his shoulder slightly seperated. On top of him is a shirt with "AoD. R.I.P. 2000" written in his blood. Suddenly Chris Sweet rushes into the room.
SWEET: Brendan, What the hell happened here!? Who did this!? What sick bastard did this. Tony... Tony.. Jesus... get the damn EMT's right now!!
Suddenly Case walks by the room and Sweet rushes into the hallway. There's a look of murder in his eyes.
SWEET: Are you going to attempt to kill all of my friends!? You son of a bitch!!
Sweet attacks Case and they begin to brawl in the backstage area. Security and wrestlers alike rush to the scene and attempt to break the two men apart.
CASE: What the hell is your problem!?
SWEET: You, bitch, I will see you in my ring this evening. You better.. PRAY FOR MERCY!
Fade back to the announcers' table.
SHCHEEVONE: Good lord... what was that all about!?
WESSIN: Got me, but Tony Canolli sure is getting the shit kicked out of him tonight!
OVERVIEW: Well, I may not like the way you said it, but that's certainly the truth!
SHCHEEVONE: Next up we've got....
The arena lights go dark and the TraumaTron activates, reading....
"Under the Influence" by Eminem plays as Mike Steele emerges from the Lincoln Memorial with a red and white t-shirt with a canadian flag on the front. The back says "MIKE STEELE, the best thing since CANADIAN BACON." At his side is the lovely Torri Stokes, dressed in a skimpy little white dress. Steele holds the rope open for her as she enters and then he follows her to the center of the ring where he does a little pose. Steele snatches the mic from the ring announcers hand and looks at the American fans in disgust as he speaks.
STEELE: You rotten AMERICANS!!
The crowd boos.
STEELE: Why dont you show a real athlete some respect, I've sat back and watched this mockery of a wrestling organization long enough, now its time for me to seek action. I'm here UWF, bring your best. I'll put you down on your back more times than Jenna Jameson in a porno flick!!
The crowd cheers as Torri provides an example.
STEELE: You're looking at a true wrestling machine! Sure any scmuck can brawl or get hardcore, but it takes true talent to wrestle. Sure your probably in the back thinking this guy runs his mouth too much... well you know why? I can do that, I'm not your average schmuck who bursts onto the scene talking bad and he ain't worth the ring material he wrestles on!
He paces around the ring.
STEELE: See I'm a real athlete! American superstars really get to me and by the time my tour of duty here in UWF is over, I will have proven two facts: "AMERICAN SUCKS!!" and "Mike Steele is the best thing from CANADA since CANADIAN BACON!" In just a few short days my first victim will come to pass, who will it be? I dont care, all you lazy fat AMERICANS are going down and it all starts next week.
"Under the Influence" by Eminem rocks the arena as Steele holds out his arm and Torri grabs it as she accompanies him to the backstage area.
WESSIN: I thought Agent Steele was out of wrestling?
OVERVIEW: That wasn't Agent Steele, you nimrod... that was MIKE STEELE!
WESSIN: They related or something?
SHCHEEVONE: I don't think so.
WESSIN: Well, don't you think it's kind of odd that, only a day after Agent Steele negates his contract, a man with the SAME NAME shows up and starts taking smack?
OVERVIEW: Well, it's odd, but I'm sure it's just a coincidence!
WESSIN: WRONG! That's what they want you to think! Obviously, it's a conspiracy amongst Canadians!
SHCHEEVONE: Agent Steele wasn't Canadia.... ah, nevermind. Next up, folks, we'll see the fate of the INTERCONTINENTAL CHAMPIONSHIP decided!!
OVERVIEW: That's right! We've got a fatal three-way between some of the UWF's most talented super-stars!
SHCHEEVONE: That's right... we've got Case, Chris Sweet, and Shawn Smith...
WESSIN: "Mr. Sex!"
SHCHEEVONE: Um... yes, "Mr. Sex"... battering each other silly for that belt!
"We Comin Through" by Busta Rhymes hits the PA and "The Baron" Case comes out to a very nice heel pop. He slides under the bottom ropes and waits for the other two men in the match.
SHCHEEEVONE: And here is the first man involved in this triple threat match for the Intercontinental Championship. "The Baron" Case.
The lights go out and the crowd starts it's mild panic session.
Then the pyros erupt and "Make Me Bad" by KoRn thunders
over the PA and the Traumatron lights up with:
The lights illuminates Slutty and Sleezy standing either side
of Shawn Smith,k who has his back to the audiance and is wiggleng
his ass in time to the music. The back of his tights read "DAMN!
I'm so SWEET!" He spins around, takes out his phalic mic
out of his tights and speaks on his way to the ring
SHAWN: Now then, tonight is a very special night! It's
Mr. Sex's return to PPV and in order to save this god awful event,
SHAWN SMITH IS HERE TO ENTERTAIN YOU!
The crowd boos even louder and starts to throw garbage at him
SHAWN: And seeing since the main event is going to
be a complete waste of time, you might as well cheer your hero,
who is here to save you all from boredom. Unlike that dull, boreing
tree huggin' Jesus lovin' FREAK in Chris Sweet!
The crowd hurls even more trash as Slutty and Sleezy climb
up onto the ring apron and hold down the ropes for Shawn as he
dances into the ring and poses.
SHAWN: And since the PPV is going to be a total waste
of your money without this match, I promise to all of you tonight,
a brand new Intercontinental Champion! In one, "SO SEXY"
SHAWN SMITH!
Shawn drops the mic as Slutty and Sleezy remove his ring jacket
and his sunglasses, the crowd hoot as they leave the ring and
toss his gear to the time keeper, Shawn straches and waits for
the Intercontinental Champion.
SHCHEEVONE: Predictions gentlemen....
WESSIN: "Mr. Sex" no questions asked.
OVERVIEW: I am gonna go with the current champ Chris Sweet.
SHCHEEVONE: I dont know what it is but I like Case. And I see him walking out of here with the title.
Red letters light up the ring....
"Your Own Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode slams on the PA system as Chris Sweet, armed with the IC title, makes his way to the ring. He hops over the top rope and jumps right into the fight.
SHCHEEVONE: And we are underway. Sweet runs directly to Case and locks up with him. Shawn Smith just stands there and watches.
OVERVIEW: Case throws Sweet to the ropes and drops him with a stiff punch to the face. Smith turns around to give Slutty a kiss but as he does Case grabs him by the hair and pulls him into the center of the ring.
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet and Case are now locked up. Sweet has Case in a hammerlock and is really applying the pressure.
OVERVIEW: Case is yelling in pain. Sweet slowly gets up and runs off the ropes, he is about to clothesline Case.
SHCHEEVONE: He missed!! Case ducked at the last second and Sweet nailed Shawn Smith. Sweet picks up Smith and tosses him out of the ring.
WESSIN: Oh... help him out ladies.
OVERVIEW: Slutty and Sleezy go over to Shawn and help him up. Chris runs off the ropes...
WESSIN: LOOK OUT!
SHCHEEVONE: SWEET JESUS! CHRIS SWEET JUST LANDED A SUICIDE DIVE ON SMITH AND HIS LADIES!!
WESSIN: What a bastard!! How could he heartlessly attack two beautiful women and an equally beautiful man?!
OVERVIEW: Case is now perched up on the top turnbuckle. Sweet and Smith slowly gettting up....SENTON BOMB!!
SHCHEEVONE: CASE JUST LANDED A SWEET SENTON BOMB OFF THE TOP TURNBUCKLE TAKING OUT BOTH SWEET AND SMITH!!
OVERVIEW: All three men are out cold. The ref is counting them out..
REFEREE: 1....2....3...4....
SHCHEEVONE: Case is up and crawling into the ring.
REFEREE: 5...6....7....
OVERVIEW: Sweet and Smith stagger to their feet. Both slide into the ring.
SHCHEEVONE: Case is laying boots to the back of Smith's head. Sweet slowly gets up. He charges at Case and levels him with a forearm shot to the face.
OVERVIEW: Sweet picks up Smith and sets him up...POWERBOMB!!
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet goes over to Case...PILEDRIVER!
OVERVIEW: Sweet is on a roll here. Sweet has Smith in a Boston Crab. Smith stretching his arms out. Trying to grad the ropes. Slutty reaches out and grabs Shawn's arm and pulls him to the ropes.
SHCHEEVONE: The ref is telling Chris to let go of the hold...he wont do it. Now the ref is yelling at Slutty and telling her to get away from the ring. We've got chaos here!
OVERVIEW: Sleezy is on the ring apron and grabs the ref bu the shirt. Case is pulling something out of his pocket. KNUCKS! HE,S GOT KNUCKS!!
SHCHEEVONE: Sweet still has Smith in a Boston Crab. Case runs at Sweet,s head..
SHCHEEVONE: SWEET WAS JUST BUSTED OPEN FROM THOSE KNUCK'S! CASE MAKES THE COVER ON SWEET! THE REF IS DISTRACTED BY SLEEZY!!
CROWD: 1...2....3!
SHCHEEVONE: Case is up and he is pissed. He is yelling at the ref. The ref comes over to him. Case pushes the ref. The ref pushes back. POWERBOMB! CASE JUST POWERBOMBED THE REF!! SLUTTY JUST HANDED SOMETHING TO SMITH!
OVERVIEW: Smith is up. Case turns around....PEPPER SPRAY! Case just got PEPER SPRAY in the eyes. CLIMAX!! CLIMAX! Smith goes for the cover!!
SHCHEEVONE: HERE COMES ANOTHER REF... IT'S GREG COLAK!!
OVERVIEW: HE SLIDES IN THE RING! 1....2...BROKEN.... UP!! CHRIS SWEET PULLED SMITH OFF OF CASE!
SHCHEEVONE: SMITH IS NOT PLEASED!!
OVERVIEW: SWEET IS UP! SMITH IS UP!! SALVATION! SALVATION! THE COLAK MAKES THE COUNT... THE CROWD'S GOING NUTS....
COLAK: 1...2...3!
SHCHEEVONE: AND IT'S OVER!!
OVERVIEW: CHRIS SWEET RETAINS THE BELT!!
WESSIN: AH DAMNIT!! HE CHEATED!! SWEET CHEATED!! I SAW HIM!!
SHCHEEVONE: WHAT?? HE WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO DIDN,T CHEAT! YOUR JUST MAD MR.SEX LOST.... SO SHUTUP!
OVERVIEW: Speaking of "Mr. Sex"... well, he's not pleased. He's out of the ring and going for a...
WESSIN: Let me guess... a chair!?
OVERVIEW: No... actually, he's got that phalic microphone of his... he's in the ring and....
SHCHEEVONE: He just brained Chris Sweet with that penis-shaped microphone!!
WESSIN: That brings new meaning to the term "blowjob!"
OVERVIEW: "Mr. Sex" has the belt.... he's... he's running off with it!!
SHCHEEVONE: Talk about a sore loser!!
WESSIN: He's just taking what's rightfully his, Mitch!
OVERVIEW: That's crazy!! Slutty and Sleezy are chasing after him and he's shaking the belt up as if he'd actually won it!
WESSIN: He DID win it....
SHCHEEVONE: But....
OVERVIEW: Don't bother arguing, Mitch. Well, Greg Colak's helping Sweet up while Case stumbles to his feet. "Mr. Sex" just swiped the Intercontinental Belt, folks, and doubtless Chris Sweet is going to want it back....
SHCHEEVONE: Next up.... the main event everyone's been talking about.... the BRAWL on the MALL itself.... but ONLY after these commercial messages!!
Fade out....
Fade in....
A large helicopter hovers over the crowd, kicking an over-powering cloud of dust into the air. The sound is deafening. It circles around and comes to a land near the ring....
SHCHEEVONE: We've got an unexpected arrival here, folks!
OVERVIEW: And just minutes before tonight's main event!
Suddenly, the TraumaTron lights up:
The doors of the helicopter are kicked open and Ellis Jackson, UWF CEO, steps out onto the Mall. As always, Ms. Prescott is at his side. The crowd erupts with a frenzy of cheering as "Money Talks" begins to pour throughout the field.
SHCHEEVONE: ELLIS JACKSON is HERE!!
OVERVIEW: I figured he'd show up eventually.
Ellis walks down the run-way and holds his arms over his head. Ms. Prescott hands him a microphone and the two climb into the ring. The sound of the audience is deafening.
JACKSON: Greetings, UWF shareholders!!
The crowd pops!
JACKSON: I've got a special surprise tonight! The MAIN EVENT tonight won't just be another boring three-way between... um... those guys who've been fighting every night for the past couple of weeks! Frankly, I can only watch Mr. Athletic, Extremist and my janitor a couple times before I feel like sticking my head through a plate glass window!
SHCHEEVONE: Mr. Athletic? Extremist?
OVERVIEW: Mr. Athletic is J.D. Lawson's OLD gimmick... from about a year ago, Mitch.
SHCHEEVONE: Strange!
JACKSON: So tonight I present to you a straight up... BRAWL ON THE MALL!!
The crowd pops loudly.
JACKSON: This match will be a FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE battle between three of the Universal Wrestling Federation's finest!! The first man pinned will be eliminated, leaving the other two to fight one-on-one!! The second fall decides the fate of the WORLD CHAMPIONSHIP!!
The crowd pops again.
JACKSON: But before I introduce tonight's competitors, let's meet our special guest referee!!
SHCHEEVONE: Special guest referee!?
JACKSON: Though the UWF is my territory, tonight we're fighting in THIS MAN'S HOUSE!! Recently back from refereeing a match-up between Isreal and the PLO at Camp David, he's here tonight to prevent our competitors from commiting any crimes of war during their battle for the World Belt!! Ladies and gentlemen... we're standing on his front lawn.... PRESIDENT WILLIAM JEFFERSON CLINTON!!
SHCHEEVONE: He can't be serious.....
"Hail to the Chief" begins to play throughout the area and, as promised, President Clinton appears at the top of the ramp-way, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Wearing a black suit and a fake smile, he waves to the thousand of fans, despite the mixed reaction he receieves....
OVERVIEW: This is a bit nuts.
WESSIN: NO COMMENT!
President Clinton climbs into the ring and shakes hands with Ellis, who turns to Ms. Prescott and shrugs.
CLINTON: It pleases me to see America united in the pursuit of athletics. Nothing embodies the American spirit than striving to achieve glory through sports! I hope we can have a fair match tonight and that, without a doubt, the best man will win!
WESSIN: Man, I bet Jackson's getting a huge tax write-off for this.
CLINTON: I've got one last message before things get underway. Mr. Lawson... I've seen you abuse the American people and break the laws of our fair nation for months now! You participate in violent acts, promote the use of illegal substances, and emphasize the ugly side of our culture! I think it's time you realize.... BIG BROTHER HAS BEEN WATCHING, and HE'S NOT PLEASED!
The crowd pops loudly!
JACKSON: Well... enough of that! Let's introduce our competitors tonight....
SHCHEEVONE: Here we go....
JACKSON: Our first man hails from the jolly ol' land of England! Standing at 6'4" and weighing in at little over 300 pounds, he's the master of the FACEDOWN POWERBOMB and hard to beat with a mop in hand.... ladies and gentlemen.... "the ENGLISH JANITOR" LAWRENCE STANLEY!!!
WESSIN: Laf... that's rich!
"God Save the Queen" begins to play throughout the Capitol Mall as Lawrence Stanley appears at the top of the ramp. He holds up a sign that says DRIVE. The crowd gives him an incredible reaction... nearly deafening... as he climbs on the apron and slides through the ropes. He peers at Ellis Jackson confusingly.
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley looks geared for his title shot tonight, despite the fact that he took a bit of a beating in the tag match eariler....
JACKSON: Our second competitor.... standing at 6' 4" and weighing in at 247 pounds.... the MASTER of the EXTREMISTS' EDGE.... "THE EXTREME ONE" EXTREMIST!!
OVERVIEW: Ex hasn't used that finishing move in months!! Not to mention the name.....
Ex's theme music plays throughout the Mall and the camera begins to pan through the crowd. After a few moments, a spotlight falls on Ex as he makes his way through the excited audience. He starts at the Vietnam Memorial and makes his way to the ring.
SHCHEEVONE: If there's one thing Ex has wanted over the past couple of weeks, it's a chance to get that belt back from J.D. Lawson.
WESSIN: J.D.'s been running scared!
JACKSON: And... last but not least.... a former soccer star and legend across the globe! He stands at 6' 4". He weighs 245 pounds! His finishing move, the Entertainment Suplex, is feared throughout the wrestling world. Ladies and gentlemen.... MR. ATHLETIC!!!!!
WESSIN: Laf.... Jackson's lost it!
The TraumaTron lights up:
"Take the Money and Run" thunders throughout the Mall, causing the windows in the White House to shake. J.D. Lawson appears at the foot of the Lincoln Memorial and makes his way to the ring. The crowd gives him a mixed reaction as he climbs in to the ring and hands his belt off to the ring official. He eyes Stanley and Ex with contempt.
JACKSON: C'mon.... do those jumping jacks!
SHCHEEVONE: Good grief!! J.D. Lawson just knocked Ellis Jackson out of the ring and to the ground!!
WESSIN: Well, I guess he wasn't up to the jumping jacks....
OVERVIEW: Referee... um... President Clinton is going over the rules.... he's calling for the bell....
SHCHEEVONE: And it's on!! Stanley across the ring and plows into Ex with a thunderous clothesline!! J.D. floors Stanley with a Yakuza kick! A spear by Ex brings Lawson to the ground!! It's mayhem at it's finest!!
OVERVIEW: Ex has both men down and he's laying the boots into each of them.....
WESSIN: Hey... here comes the boss!
SHCHEEVONE: Ellis Jackson's here to do a little play-by-play, it seems. Here, have a headset....
JACKSON: Whew... what's eating Mr. Athletic these days. He used to be such a nice guy.
OVERVIEW: I'm afraid J.D.'s days of being Mr. Athletic are long since over, Mr. Jackson.
JACKSON: What do you mean? He's the Television Champion!
OVERVIEW: Ex drives Stanley's head into the turnbuckle with brutal force!! LOOK OUT!!
SHCHEEVONE: J.D. brings both men to the ground with a wicked frog splash!! "The King's" got Ex by the head.... KNEE RIGHT INTO EX'S NOSE!!
OVERVIEW: I hope he has a good plastic surgeon!!
SHCHEEVONE: J.D. tosses Ex out of the ring and picks up Stanley.... Irish Whip into the ropes.... ELBOW SMASH by J.D.!!
JACKSON: He sure is rough with the janitor!!
SHCHEEVONE: Jani... um... nevermind! J.D. laying on the blows to Stanley.... but....
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley blocks and starts laying on those knife-edged chops!!
SHCHEEVONE: Whew... you can hear them from here!! He's knocking Stanley back into the corner of the ring....
OVERVIEW: And Ex grabs Stanley's feet and brings him crashing to the ground!! He's dragging the Gent out of the ring, much to J.D.'s dismay...
JACKSON: I bet Cobra will break this up....
WESSIN: Cobra works in a supermarket bagging groceries.
SHCHEEVONE: Ex has Stanley by the head....
SHCHEEVONE: Right into the guard rail!!
SHCHEEVONE: Somebody's got some pent up aggression here. Ex is picking Stanley up and... tossing him into the crowd!!
OVERVIEW: LOOK OUT!!
SHCHEEVONE: JD off the top turnbuckle.... Ex didn't see him coming.... FLYING SPEAR!!
WESSIN: Where's the President!?
OVERVIEW: J.D.'s laying the blows onto Ex.... the crowd's couting....
CROWD: 1... 2... 3...4 ...5 ... 6... 7...8 ...9.. 10....
SHCHEEVONE: President Clinton is trying to pull J.D. off of Ex, but the King's pushing him away....
OVERVIEW: Jesus!! That Secret Service agent just brained J.D.!!
SHCHEEVONE: Don't screw with the President!!
OVERVIEW: JD's tied up with that Secret Security agent and Ex is up over the guardrail, going after Lawrence Stanley. The fight's in the crowd!!
SHCHEEVONE: It's FALLS COUNT ANYWHERE, so that's perfectly acceptable!!
OVERVIEW: Cameras are going in after them....
SHCHEEVONE: Ex is laying on the fists... knocking Stanley senseless!!
OVERVIEW: Left... right... left... right.... it's brutal!!
SHCHEEVONE: Knee to the gut by Ex..... POWERBOMB onto the grass!! The crowd's going crazy!!
OVERVIEW: Ex is dragging Stanley to his knees.... DDT!! That's gotta hurt!!
WESSIN: Yeah... grass is real hard!!
JACKSON: Got me.
OVERVIEW: Ex has Stanley again....
JACKSON: Mr. Athletic from behind!!
SHCHEEVONE: Lawson... his name is J.D. Lawson!
JACKSON: What a silly name.
OVERVIEW: J.D. just clotheslined both men from behind!! Irish Whip by Lawson... sends Ex headfirst into the....
OVERVIEW: REFLECTING POOL!! JD and EX are brawling in the REFLECTING POOL!!
SHCHEEVONE: Both men are up to their knees in water. JD grabs Ex.... punch to the face....
OVERVIEW: Oh no... JD's holding Ex's head under water!!
SHCHEEVONE: Where's Clinton?! He needs to break this up!!
WESSIN: Smoking a J with Jack and Rico!?
OVERVIEW: Get serious!!
WESSIN: Getting a blowjob from Slutty and Sleezy!?
OVERVIEW: Ugh.... Ex is thrashing around, but he can't break free!! JD pushes him down harder and... and... he's laughing hysterically!!
SHCHEEVONE: Ex is about done for... where's the damn referee!!
OVERVIEW: Lawrence Stanley just broke that hold with a double-axe handle to the back of Lawson's head!! Lawson pitches forward into the water and Ex comes up gasping for air!!
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley may have just saved Ex's life. Lawson didn't look like he was planning on letting up any time soon!!
OVERVIEW: Stanley's wading after Lawson, who's making a break for shore!! Ex is making a weak attempt at following behind!!
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley has Lawson by the hair.... he's pulling him backwards in the water!! He's....
OVERVIEW: Both men go down in the water!! Ex is catching up....
SHCHEEVONE: He's laying on the kicks as both Stanley and Lawson thrash around in that water!!
JACKSON: Good thing Mr. Athletic knows how to swim!
OVERVIEW: JD's breaking away and making a dash for shore again, leaving Ex and Stanley battling it out in the middle of the reflecting pool!!
SHCHEEVONE: And.... JD's on dry land with both Ex and Stanley staggering after him!! There's the President.... everyone's gathering around the Lincoln Memorial....
OVERVIEW: JD with a superkick to Stanley as he climbs onto shore.... Ex is up but being mobbed by crazy fans!!
SHCHEEVONE: Jesus.... get them outta there!
OVERVIEW: Ex with a spear to JD.... the KING goes down!!
SHCHEEVONE: Stanley is out of the water... he's pulling Ex off of Lawson.... elbow drop by Stanley!!
OVERVIEW: Ex has Stanley from behind.... and a suplex....
OVERVIEW: ... sending Stanley back into the water!! Ex takes JD by the head... lifts him up... and....
SHCHEEVONE: FLOAT OVER BY JD.... and a hip toss that sends Ex to the ground hard!! JD picks him up and...
OVERVIEW: IRISH WHIP into the statue of Abraham Lincoln!! This is out of hand!!
SHCHEEVONE: Clinton's telling JD to back away from the statue.... JD just called the President of the United States a filthy redneck hill-billy!!
OVERVIEW: There goes the Secret Service again... beating on JD!!
SHCHEEVONE: Ex and Stanley are brawling at the base of Lincoln's statue, now. Ex with punch after punch.... knocking Stanley senseless!! He's got Lawrence by the head....
OVERVIEW: Right into Lincoln's knee!!
OVERVIEW: And again!! Stanley is wobbly, here....
SHCHEEVONE: Ex picks up Stanley.... RUNNING POWERBOMB, right into the CEMENT!!!
OVERVIEW: Ex with a cover....
CLINTON: 1.... 2.... 3....!!
SHCHEEVONE: AND STANLEY'S OUT OF THE MATCH!! EX JUST KNOCKED STANLEY OUT OF THE MATCH!!
OVERVIEW: This just leaves Ex and J.D. Lawson....
JACKSON: You mean Extremist and Mr. Athletic....
OVERVIEW: Whatever!
SHCHEEVONE: Lawson's hurting.... here comes Ex.... He's got JD by the hair....
OVERVIEW: LOW BLOW BY LAWSON!! Where's Clinton to disqualify that!?
WESSIN: Probably made a run to McDonald's for some fries and a blowjob!
SHCHEEVONE: Ex is on the ground, grabbing his groin. JD's climbing on the statue of Abraham Lincoln... he's up in his lap.... he's signalling....
OVERVIEW: RETURN TO LUNACY.... RETURN TO LUNACY!!!
SHCHEEVONE: JD LAWSON JUST DID A SHOOTING STAR PRESS OFF OF LINCOLN'S LAP, NAILING EX AND HURTING HIM BADLY!!
WESSIN: Don't see that every day....
OVERVIEW: J.D. going for the cover....
CLINTON: 1... 2....
SHCHEEVONE: And Ex kicks out! This is crazy!!
OVERVIEW: Lawson's not pleased with that count, but after the beatings he's been getting from the Secret Service, he's keeping his mouth shut.
OVERVIEW: JD's got Ex by the neck.... BULLDOG!! He's going nuts on Ex!! BODY SLAM!!! LEG DROP!!! HE'S CHOKING HIM OUT ON THE GROUND!!
OVERVIEW: JESUS.... WHY'S CLINTON TALKING TO THAT CHUBBY CHICK IN THE FRONT ROW!?!
SHCHEEVONE: Ex is struggling!!! He's fighting against it... lefts... rights... elbows!! He's back to his feet... EYE RAKE BY JD LAWSON!!! EX IS TOAST HERE!!
"Blood Red Skies" by Judas Priest hits the PA and everyone in the area spins around to see if it is true. If he could possibly be coming here tonight. Then suddenly Stallion busts out from the crowd, ready to even the odds. The crowd cheers as he points down JD Lawson and motions to the chair.
OVERVIEW: STALLION IS HERE!!! HE'S BACK!!!
SHCHEEVONE: AND HE'S GOT JD LAWSON IN HIS SIGHTS!! He's charging down!!
WESSIN: I think I'm leaving now... it just got worse.
OVERVIEW: We haven't seen or heard from the Stallion in months!! What's going on here?!
SHCHEEVONE: Stallion's close to the fight now... the Secret Service is keeping him away from JD and Ex.... JD is trying to whack down Ex... BIG LEFT BY EX!! JD's wobbly!! STALLION'S THROWING THE CHAIR TO EX!!!!
WHACK!!!
SHCHEEVONE: OH MY GOD!! IT JUST WENT SAILING OVER EX'S HEAD AND JD SCORED WITH THE CHAIR SHOT!!! STALLION'S GOING NUTS!!! CLINTON JUST TURNED HIS HEAD.... JD WITH A COVER!!! 1......2..........3 HE RETAINS THE BELT!!! STALLION'S ABSOLUTELY PISSED!!!
OVERVIEW: He's going to check on Ex now. He just accidentally cost Ex the title... WAIT!!! HE'S BEATING HIM DOWN!!!! HOLY SH*T!!!
SHCHEEVONE: STALLION MEANT TO DO THAT ALL ALONG!!! HE MEANT FOR JD TO CATCH THE CHAIR!!! HE'S GOING CRAZY ON EX!!
STALLION: HOW DO YOU LIKE IT NOW B*TCH!?! HUH?? REMEMBER THE INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE!?! HOW YOU COST ME MY TITLE!?! I SURE AS HELL DO AND NOW SO WILL YOU!!!
SHCHEEVONE: PAYBACK BY STALLION!!!
OVERVIEW: WHO KNEW!?
Suddenly these letters appear on the Truamatron and JD and Stallion turn towards the entrance of the Lincoln Memorial and Chris Sweet comes running out of the crowd. He has on the UWF Intercontinental Championship and is carrying both Tag Titles as he walks over, grabs the UWF World Title and slides into the ring. He goes to swing at JD and the crowd pops but just before connecting, Sweet stops. He drops to the ground and begins to choke Ex with his Tag Title and then spits in the face of Ex. He points at Stallion and JD to get Gent up.
SCHEEVONE: What has Christopher Sweet just done?! I cannot believe what I am seeing. AoD is dead. Chris Sweet is tearing Ex apart. JESUS CHRIST, these men are tag partners. What is he going to do to Gent!?
JD and Stallion whip Gent off the statue and Sweet comes with a flying belt to the face of Gent with the UWF World Championship.
Sweet picks up Ex . Sweet raises him as the crowd thunders with boos in regard to Chris Sweet. Meanwhile, Mikey Masters and "the Guy" make their way through the crowd.
SCHEEVONE: Sweet just peformed Welcome to Hell on Ex!! Chris Sweet has destroyed Ex and now he hands the UWF World Championship to the man he hates. JD Lawson stares down at Sweet and hands him a shirt. Sweet puts the shirt on. CHRIS SWEET IS A MEMBER OF THE INFAMOUS OUTLAWS. CHRIS SWEET HAS TURNED ON THE AOD AND HE IS NOW A MEMBER OF THE INFAMOUS OUTLAWS. WHY?!? WHAT THE HELL HAS "THE SAVIOR" DONE!!!
JD yells for a mic as the five of them stand behind him.
JD: WOOO, finally the KING has tricked all the people who stand in front of their TV's, search the Net, buy a ticket: from the marks to the fans I got you all. What you fools are looking at is the beginning to the end of the UWF. Who is not up here, who is talented and isnt a redneck? Not so fast, Ex. Hell I do not think their is person alive that could stand up here and say they are as equal to us. We have the makings of the best stable to ever grace...WRESTLING! Too hell with the Firm, LOU, Darkcyde, and any of those other boring ass stables, that have the KING grabbing for the pillow.
JD begins laughing and grabs each of his titles.
JD: Hell look at me scrubs! I am the UWF Champ, WWC Internet Champ. and of course I am the WCW Champ.
JD throws the WCW title onto the ground and kicks it to Case, who picks it up.
JD: It is all yours Baron.
CASE: OH..MY...GOD, this means so much to me.
JD: I know, I know.
CASE:I am the one that gets to destroy it? JD: Yes, I have picked you.
Crowd begins screaming for him to destroy it as they are very confused at what is going on.
JD: Oh I forgot to tell you simpletons, this title is a fake, it can be bought at any old K-Mart, which of course you people shop at daily. This stupid WCW title, was the cornerstone to me the KING getting his rightful push... Bah, you people are retarded... this title was won in one of the biggest tricks of all time.
JD points to Case.
JD: Case, he was the man pretending to be an announcer....
JD points at Mikey Masters.
JD: Mikey, he was the other announcer.
JD points at "the Guy"....
JD: And the man I destroyed is none other then Guy, who is...
Guy takes off his mask to show a big mean looking man.
JD: A great life time friend of the KINGs.... BONE! You fools here may not know who this man is, but let he tell you I have never beat him, and that is saying a lot and he is now my personal hitman.
JD continues....
JD: You are looking at the beginning of the Infamous Outlaws. Yes this idea has been in the works since the days of The Primetime Kings. Now it is our time, the best are here, and the best ever seen here is yet to come, but it has begun tonight.
The crowd gives JD a mixed pop.
JD: Now I think my boy Sweet may have something to say and shed some light for you idiots.
Sweet tears his AoD t-shirt off to reveal an Infamous Outlaws shirt beneath. The crowd is throwing beer, nachos, and "Sweet is #1" foam fingers across the grounds. Sweet just raises the microphone to his mouth.
SWEET: Got Ya..
Sweet laughs as the fans just give him a thunderous "Asshole" chant and he continues to laugh.
SWEET: Night in and Night Out. For 9 months you have come out here and cheered for me. You have loved me, some have hated me. But you always cheered for me because you thought I was going to do away with "The King" JD Lawson. YOU ARE ALL FOOLS!
The crowd boos.
SWEET: "The Savior", Who the hell is that. I am "The Great Savior" Chris Sweet and I am the same man that I was nine months ago. Now you ask yourself, what about your bouts with insanity and your time on that island off the coast of Georgia. FOOLS!
He pauses....
SWEET: I was never insane.... that island off of Georgia, Cumberland Island, I just bought a nice mansion on that island about 7 months ago. The fact that I convinced each and every one of you that I had mental problems. I had no problems. It was all a plan. The Plan which centered around the G.O.A.T.
He pauses again....
SWEET: Who is the G.O.A.T.?
The TraumaTron lights up again:
SWEET: Well, I will tell you this. The G.O.A..T. is not a fool like "The English Gent" or "The Extremely Extreme One". The G.O.A..T. is not even such a man as Tony Canolli. These men are pathetic driveling losers who do it all for you. They lose night in and night out for you people. They get beat senseless and bleed from numerous places for you . They are not the Greatest of All Time.
Sweet points at J.D. Lawson....
SWEET: Hey, JD, MY HATE... You are the Greatest of All Time.
JD acts shocked and then looks at Sweet.
JD: I am...
SWEET: You are.. Now if I said B.O.A.T....
JD: Bitchiest of All Time. "The English Gent"
SWEET: Or C.O.A.T....
JD: Corniest of All Time. "The Extremely Extreme One".
SWEET: Or even M.W.U.O.A.T.....
JD: You got me on that one..
SWEET: Most Washed Up of All Time. "Flamboyance" then I would not be talking about JD Lawson. But we are talking about the supreme being of this federation and the UWF World Champion. My friend and the man who was single handedly better than each and every one of those men aforementioned. The Most Famous of the Infamous Outlaws.
The crowd starts a chant of "Why?"
SWEET: Well, the message is clear and the Truth, you want the Truth, the Truth is. That "The Savior" was a plan I had since the day when I formed the OBC. The OBC was done by me and Case. Why, because it was all a cover up. I disappeared and nobody would care. What did I do while I was gone. I watched and I learned the weakness of each and every man in this federation and then, at the weakest point, the master plan began. Tony Canolli broke me out of my own living compound on an island. When I told him I was mentally insane, he listened and believed. He, Ex, and all the other pathetic fools believed it, you fools believe it. Then, when you reached your weakness. I shocked the world and allowed you to realize that I know there is only one man who deserves the World Title more than me and he wears it. I am going to make sure he wears it. FOREVER AND EVER.
The crowd boos loudly.
SWEET: The Greatest of All Time. JD Lawson.....
Case suddenly grabs the microphone from Chris Sweet.
CASE: HOLD ON ONE SECOND!! Now I got something to say to EACH AND EVERYONE OF YOU!.
The celebration stops and Case stands facing Lawson, Sweet, Stallion, Jack Bone, and Masters. He gives a sly smile as the others try to figure out what,s going on.
CASE: First I want to apologize for raining on your little parade but somebody had to do it
LAWSON: Baron, what the hell are you talking about?
CASE: JD you can stop calling me that cause I am not your "Baron" alright. I never have been and never will be. You see I used you to get out of jail, I have been planning this ever since. When you're in the Penn you can think and think and just think... and the things you think of are amazing.
JD scratches his head in confusion....
CASE: I've been planning on doing this for the longest of time, but when I found out about Sweet's little plan for tonight I knew the that this would be my only opportunity to pull this whole thing off.
LAWSON: Case man, I don't know what the hell you are talking about. Look... let's just go get wasted... it's our night to celebrate.
CASE:That,s what you and everyone else thinks, it,s not your night. It,s my night to celebrate. I have and always will hate Chris Sweet and I will never join forces with him ever. And now I'm going to present to you and everyone here tonight THE FULL EFFECT!!
"Running with the Devil" begins to play loudly and the crowd gives a mixed reaction as four figures burst through the crowd....
BOOM!!!
SHCHEEVONE: GOOD GRIEF!! NOW WHAT!? FIRST THIS SHOCKING REVELATION AND NOW....
OVERVIEW: What the!? "The General"... Blacksnake.... Sean Blaze.... and some other guy.... they're smoking JD, Chris Sweet, Masters, Bone and the Stallion with steel chairs!?
SHCHEEVONE: And Case is just laughing!!
OVERVIEW: This is out of hand... once again!! But we're out of time.... three new stables.... one new champion.... a dozen battered egos.... we're out of time.... SEE YOU SATURDAY!!