PENTAGON CANCELS FUTURES TRADING OF RETURNABLES!!
Wednesday • July 30, 2003

WASHINGTON - The Pentagon, citing massive public indifference, decided to drop its planned online Returnables futures market.

The program was designed to let investors bet on the probability of potential Returnables' successes and failures. From hit records to cancelled shows, national TV appearances to dud gigs at The Mutiny, all scenarios were fair game.

"As an example," said John Poindexter, national security advisor and the program's director, "you may have a hunch that The Returnables are going to tank their upcoming St. Louis show. It's been known to happen.

So you buy the futures contracts for 5 cents each. As more people begin to think The Returnables are gonna stink up the joint, the cost of the contract could go up, to 50 cents. The payoff if they get booed off stage is $1 per future. So if it comes to pass that The Returnables flop, those who bought at 5 cents make 95 cents. Those who bought at 50 cents make 50 cents.

It's the free market. It's rock 'n' roll. It's America."

Despite such enthusiasm for the program's merits, others felt the idea was a waste of time and financial resources.

Senator Byron Dorgan (D-North Dakota) called the program "unbelievably stupid."

In announcing the program's cancellation, Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz said "With the autumn months fast approaching, we feel the Pentagon is misguided in encouraging Americans to gamble on the fortunes of some no-name musicians. With the economy still in a tailspin, and entertainment dollars stretched thin, our limited financial resources should be used more wisely: on NFL and college football pools. That's the America I know and love. God bless us all."