RETURNABLES TO INVADE TEXAS! WANT CHEAP GAS!
Monday • June 5, 2000

CHICAGO - Angered by skyrocketing petrol costs, American pop heroes the Returnables declared war on the state of Texas this afternoon.

"Those fat cats have, like, a whole bunch of oil and we're paying over 2 bucks a gallon for gas up here," an agitated Bobby James Lee Ray said. "What's that all about?"

When told the escalating gasoline costs had little to do with Texas business practices and more with American trade policy with the Middle East, Reggie Lee Ray simply shrugged. "That may be the case, but I have no idea where the hell the Middle East is, and those Texans are just down the road."

To fund their assault on the Texas oil fields, the Returnables will be playing a show Wednesday, June 7, at the Fireside Bowl in gasoline-starved Chicago.

"Texas ain't real close," commented a gun-ready Frankie Lee Ray. "So it's gonna take a whole lot of gas money to get us down there so we can kick J.R.'s ass."