FIRESTONE RECALLS THE RETURNABLES!
Thursday • August 24, 2000

DECATUR, IL - Respected Chicago pop-slobs the Returnables were recently recalled by tire manufacturer Firestone after it was determined the band posed a danger to the nation's automobiles.

In a prepared statement, Firestone Executive Vice President John Lampe said, "Structurally, the Returnables appear to be susceptible to local peeling due to their reckless rocking and rolling. However, they have yet to blow up nationally, so at this point our actions are simply cautionary." He went on to assure all concerned parties that the recall would not affect the Returnables' Saturday show, although he could not guarantee the crowd's safety.

"We're gonna blow up alright," a confident Frankie Lee Ray said after the probe. "You'll see. We'll blow up but good."