THE RETURNABLES' WAR ON EMOISM ESCALATES!
Wednesday • January 2, 2001

In an effort to stomp out the scourge of Emo "once and for all," operatives from Team Returnable have been engaged in around the clock raids on the Wilmington, Delaware, offices of Jade Tree Records.

"Jade Tree is the home base of Pedro the Lion, J Church, and a whole host of other evil-doing lint-pickers," Returnable Rear Admiral Gene TeenGene read from a prepared statement. "As such, their command post is now the focus of our ongoing campaign against Emo. Thousands of young minds have already been lost to Jade Tree and other like-minded corruptors of good taste. How many more record collections must be soiled before someone takes a stand?"

Returnables operatives have been bombing the Jade Tree offices since December 29 with copies of the Rezillos Can't Stand the Rezillos, the Undertones Hypnotized, and the Ramones Rocket to Russia.

"We will smoke these pencil necks right out of their cardigans," promised a determined Adm. TeenGene.