RETURNABLES SEIZED FROM MINNESOTA RELATIVES!
Monday • April 24, 2000

DULUTH - Attorney General Janet Reno ordered that noted Chicago popsters The Returnables be liberated from their Duluth, MN, relatives in the name of national security.

The boys had been sequestered outside Clouqet while putting the finishing touches on their forthcoming album of Gordon Lightfoot standards when the raid occurred early Saturday morning.

"The Returnables are too valuble an asset to our national interests," Reno read from a prepared statement. "To have them dedicating their energies to the works of a Canadian artist while our American pop landscape is under attack from countless Orlando boy bands is nothing short of appalling. The United States needs these drunken clowns on stage. Now."