CIA, FBI ADMIT TO RETURNABLES OVERSIGHT!
Tuesday • June 4, 2002

WASHINGTON (AP) – “Neither the CIA nor FBI have had any prior knowledge of The Returnables,” a CIA official said in the latest revelation amid growing evidence of intelligence failures.

Word that both agencies failed to recognize the talents of the Chicago-based rock band emerged as the Senate and House intelligence committees vowed to dig into other musical oversights, which have left the nation’s airwaves polluted by the likes of Canadians Nickelback and Celine Dion.

"We should certainly improve the capabilities that we have in order to focus more on the promising garage-pop bands this country is producing," Rep. Porter Goss (R-Fla), chairman of the House Intelligence Committee, said during an interview on NBC's "Today” program. “I have no intention of allowing our nation to become Little Ontario.”

"A change is going to happen, but only if we as Americans remain vigilant," Porter said, noting that he has personally ordered 10 copies of the Returnables’ Unrequited Hits CD. “It’s going to take a united effort to knock those carpetbagging Canucks off the charts.”