The Returnables Kicked Out of Canada:
Part Three: Denied
by Reggie

So we roll into the office. No longer under the protective custody of our punk rock godfather, we all start to get a little anxious again.

A woman with a Scottish accent behind the counter asks us for our birth certificates or passports. Not this again. Taking a cue from Jacques, she lectures us on the stupidity of "foreign travel without proper proof of citizenship."

Thanks for the tip, Nessie. And I hope to hell next time you go home to Glasgow, the boys at Prestwick International climb up inside your bloomers, too.

So we take seats next to some guy who looks like he got kicked out of a Skynyrd family reunion, and begin to wonder when the probing will start.

There's a slight commotion in the hallway behind the counter, and lo and behold, it's our old pal, Inspector Jacques, and he has some pimply-faced fascist-in-training with him.

Jacques and mini-Jacques are giving the business to a couple of Ruskies who made the mistake of booking a flight out of Toronto. To compound their problems, Boris and Yuri appear to have a canister of tasty painkillers on their person.

Give Jacques an inch, and he'll take mile. Or a kilometer, as the case may be.

Our resident hypochondriac, Bobby James, recognizes the pills as common arthritic medicine, but unfortunately for Boris and Yuri, he's not a licensed physician.

Jacques threatens the duo with jail time if they are unable to contact their prescribing physician ASAP to confirm the legitimacy of the medication.

Problem is, Boris got the pills in Massachusetts. This bit of information does not please Jacques one bit.

"Do you have his number? You'd better have his number, because I don't have his number. And I can't get you a Massachusetts phone book. This is Canada. We only have Canadian phone books."

Of course, Jacques could easily dial up a directory on the computer terminal right in front of him, but that would make things easy, now wouldn't it?

As Boris tries to mull over how he's gonna contact Trapper John in Beantown, Jacques turns his attention to Yuri.

"And what's with your vehicle registration? It's not in your name."

"Nyet. It was my friend's. He gave it to me before he went to Jerusalem three years ago."

"So you're friend just gave you that car before going to Israel, and you have no way of contacting him now, eh?"

"Nyet."

"That's not good."

Well, gotta give Jacques some points there. That really doesn't look good for our vodka-swilling friends.

After making Boris and Yuri turn their pockets inside out rabbit-ear style, like a principal shaking down a couple of 3rd graders, Jacques and mini-Jacques escort the frazzled Ruskies through the office, presumably headed for the Ontario Gulag.

Before exiting, Jacques shoots us a glance. We're next.

Nessie, who had been quietly banging away on her keyboard during the Gorky Park sequence, finally calls out to Frankie. "Mr. Lee Ray, could you come back here, please?"

Frankie heads to the back room. That's it, I'm thinking. The probing has begun.

Within 3 minutes, Frankie is coming back out the door. He doesn't look any more disheveled than usual, so I'm thinking the strip searches are on hold.

He comes up to me and says, "We're not getting in. My battery charge is still on the books."

And I'm thinking, what the hell does a Duracel have to do with us getting into Canada?

"No. My battery charge. My arrest for hitting that security guard is still on the books. The charges were dropped last month, but Cook County hasn't updated their records."

Oh, my. Done in by good old fashioned Yankee laziness. The irony was too much. Some clerk in Chicago failed to update the court records, and now we're being deported. USA! USA!

Nessie prints up a statement for Frankie to sign. In effect, it said:

"Due to your demonstrated lack of moral character, we believe it is in our best interests to deny you entry into our sovereign nation of Canada. We request that you leave immediately or face criminal prosecution."

Frankie has to sign the statement acknowledging he was made aware of the charges, and accepted the terms of his banishment.

We load back into the van, and process what has happened. Nessie points us to where we need to go: back East.

We get to the US checkpoint, and the guard quizzes us on what has happened. Frankie hands him the penalty statement and GI Joe just nods his head. "OK, then. I guess you'd better be on your way."

"Can we at least keep the statement? We'd like to use it for our CD."

"No."

Rat bastard.

We got kicked out of Canada and all we got was this lousy story.