The Returnables Kicked Out of Canada:
Part One: This Lane Ain't Big Enough for the Two of Us
by Reggie

After playing a show in Buffalo on Friday 11/9, we were poised to drive the Returnamobile west for a Saturday show in Ypsilanti, MI.

Leave it to the guitarists to gum everything up.

Against my recommendations, they insisted we cut across southern Ontario.

"We'll save 1.5 hours" was their argument.

"And we'll lose it all going through security," I protested.

"We'll just see about that," came the retort.

Ah, well. If they knew what the hell they were doing, they wouldn't be guitarists, now would they?

So we're queuing up for the border, and the line is backed up for almost 2 miles. Single lane action.

After inching forward for about 45 minutes, we're almost to the first US checkpoint.

And along comes a Nissan Pathfinder from the right.

This dink, apparently in a total rush to blow his mortgage at the Niagara Casino, somehow manages to ignore the 5 miles of single lane traffic and decides to barrel through along the right, no doubt thinking he'll be able to wedge his way into the front of the line.

Not on our watch.

He starts to make his move in front of Team Returnables. No signal, no hand gesture, no nothing. Just a forward push to our rightful spot in line.

Wrong move, Biff.

Our fearless driver Frankie holds his ground. We manage to take a good bit of Nissan paint off Biff's beloved SUV.

No one budges in front of the Returnamobile, least of all a Nissan Pathfinder. We're driving a Dodge, fer crissakes.

Biff slams the brakes, gives us the universal hands up "what's your problem?" look.

Apparently not learning his lesson, he continues his push forward.

And we continue to ride his back end into a different direction all together.

Finally, Biff exits his mobile studio apartment and starts to approach our car. "What's your fucking problem?" he's shouting. He's half-inspecting the damage to his sled, and trying his best to look/sound intimidating.

Observation: it's very hard to put fear into anyone when you're wearing an LL Bean windreaker and tapered chinos.

Frankie and I (riding shotgun), respond in kind, explaining to Biff that he, in fact, drove into us.

Now, keep in mind, as all of this is happening, there is 2 miles of traffic backed up behind us, and both vehicles are slowly moving forward to where a group of US border guards are conducting initial security screens.

Biff climbs back into his girlie truck, and we can see Mrs. Biff getting extremely agitated with him. "I told you you should've waited your turn. They are driving a Ram!"

So we're rolling up behind him, and we're just laughing at the absurdity of the whole thing. Biff, keeping an eye on us in his rearview, snaps again. The combination of us openly mocking his navigational incompetence and his wife's nagging proves too much to bear.

He gets back out of his car, and pulls out a pen and starts jotting down our license number. He wants to get The Man involved, apparently.

Frankie springs to action and hops out of our van (Bobby James quickly slides to the wheel), and starts after him. We figured if it's gonna come down to it, we should get his insurance information. Biff retreats to the safety of his Nissan, rolls up the window and locks the doors. You can almost hear Mrs. Biff screaming "Oh, no! Here they come. HERE THEY COME!"

By now, we're at the checkpoint. We get Frankie back in the van, and 3 cops are on top of us. We tell our side of the story after Frankie gets a stern lecture to never exit a vehicle again. ("Don't ever do anything that fucking stupid again," were Ponch's exact words. "These are charged times.")

They direct us over to the side of the road where another officer is inspecting a semi.

Biff starts whining to sheriff Lobo how these no good punk kids sideswiped his car, and he wants to file a report.

Lobo approaches the van, and interviews each of us individually.

We tell him the whole deal, and amazingly, all of our versions check out. The truth is funny that way.

Lobo is now on our side. He tells us that Biff is insisting on filing a report, but the fact is he was in the wrong, so we shouldn't sweat it.

He goes back over to Biff and drops the Harsh Reality Check on him.

Biff chokes back the tears, kicks at some gravel, shoots us a pained glance, then climbs back into his chump wagon and drives off.

Lobo saunters over, tells us Biff has decided he would "just let it go" and that we could proceed on.

Defenders of Merging Ettiquette - 1

Spoiled Yuppie SUV Clown - 0

But that was only the beginning...

PART TWO...