Hi Kids! Tired of being treated like an adult with the barest glimmering of intelligence? Then get down to your local Vision Express, where they have a special service to treat you like a bloody idiot!
Fucking fuck, the arm of my glasses bust, so i hotfooted it down to where i got them, said Vis Express, cos they are guaranteed and stuff. Stood around for ten minutes, cos ALL the counter staff were either dressed as Wallace and Gromit or stood outside pointing at the people dressed as Wallace & Gromit (there was also a hideously emaciated Mr Blobby wandering around town, he was scaring children). EVENTUALLy someone realised i wasn't just chilling out in the calming opticians, and asked what i wanted:
ME: The arm of my glasses is broken. HER: Ah, yes, you'll need a new screw. ME: No, look (takes off glasses, arm falls off)... the arm is broken. HER: Ah yes, look, you see, the arm is broken just here. ME: (thinks) Doh! HER: You'll need a new arm. ME: (thinks) Never!
So she goes to have a look, leaving me BLIND, and five minutes later ...
HER: How old are you? ME: Twenty ... (realises what she would have said if she had command of the vernacular) oh, i got them about two years ago. HER: Yes, or maybe longer. ME: (thinks) NARGH! HER: We don't have anything at all that could fit these i'm afraid...
She then tries to hand them back, smiling, like i'm then supposed to say "Oh well, never mind eh? I only wear them for FUN, it's not like i NEED them or anything FOR FUCK'S SAKE. Instead of this i say "Oh" and "Mmm" and do traditional ENGLISH NEGOTIATING things like Looking Confused and Distressed. We stand like this for about ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES until EVENTUALLY she suggests she ask the Glasses Mender if he can do anything - what a GRATE idea! I hadn't THOUGHT of that! No, i was JUST ABOUT to say "Oh sod it, no, i think i'll pay TWO HUNDRED QUID for a completely new pair of glasses which i don't actually fucking need."
After a nice chat about the people dressed as Wallace and Gromit she comes back and AGAIN says "Yes, you need another arm for this" (GGGRRRR!!!!!!) "We can't do it now though, but if you come in first thing tomorrow we should be able to sort something out."
ME: Right. What time tomorrow?> HER: First Thing. (OH! RIGHT! I'LL SET MY ALARM FOR THEN THEN!) ME: And you'll do it then? HER: Well, we'll try to. Maybe by about three. Brilliant! Because, as previously mentioned, I DON'T BLOODY NEED THEM FOR ANYTHING DO I? NO, I'LL JUST SPEND ALL DAY BUMPING INTO THINGS, IT'S MY FUCKING HOBBY!
AND! THEN!
SHE SAYS: "Because you need to be very careful with these."
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Arsing shitting FUCK! YOU DON'T FUCKING SAY? Why, i've only worn them for EIGHTEEN YEARS, i hadn't thought of that!
JAYSUS! So not only do i have to get up ON A SATURDAY MORNING, i then have to wander round in a myopic HAZE for SIX HOURS in the hope that MAYBE they'll have BOTHERED to do something. FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKK!
AND they're charging me TEN QUID for the privilege!
Hi Kids... gosh, i'm sure y've all DASHED into work this morning after a sleepless night wandering how the VisionExpress Story ended, so never fear, he is what happened ...
Went in at 9.30 (ON A SATURDAY MORNING).
ME: Here are my glasses, brought them in yesterday, blah blah... DIFFERENT ASST WOMAN: Right. The arm is broken. (etc etc... eventually goes and checks with the 16 year olds in lab coats. Comes back) DAW: Yes, i'm afraid we have no spare arms, so we'll have to mend it. ME: Yes, that's what i was told yesterday, that's why i bought it in today. DAW: That will cost TWENTY FIVE POUNDS. ME: (reeling) They said ten pounds yesterday. DAW: (checks with adolescents in The Lab) Oh, er... yes, well, if they quoted it as that, that's what it will cost (for a bit of solder). It will be ready on Monday, if you leave them here. ME: (stunned) But yesterday they said you'd have them by three, that's why i came in. DAW: Oh. Well we're very busy. ME: I can't really spend a weekend without them. DAW: We can have them for MOnday, if you like. ME: (exasperated) No, i'll bring them in next week. DAW: Oh, all right. I'll just see if i can fasten them for you.
(WHAT? Anyway, i am helpless to resist as i am BLIND, she wanders off. Five minutes later...)
DAW: As you can see, the arm was broken, and in attempting to mend it it appears to have completely broken the end off (i.e. making them totally unusable). Would you like to leave them here now? ME: (vibrating with anger and STERNNESS) Yes, i suppose so, can you do them today now? DAW: Yes, i will make sure they are done by four o'clock.
With this i march out of the shop, a funny red colour, and put on my sunglasses. On the way home, and this is no word of a lie, groups of small children FLEE when i aproach, as i look SCARY. At five to 4 i return to the shop, relieved, because surely nothing more can go wrong?
ME: Hello, i have come to collect my glasses.
(Yet Another Assistant Woman goes to look. Comes back)
YAAW: I'm afraid they're not ready yet, you were told to come back at the end of the day. ME: By four o'clock, yes. YAAW: After four o'clock, yes. (AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH) Could you come back in forty five minutes please.
While all this was going on the pubescent white coats had been over to a big pile of boxes, looked in the one with my glasses, which had already been there SEVEN HOURS, then wandered away. I once more STORM around the shopping centre, returning EXACTLY forty five minutes later. Surprisingly...
STILL ANOTHER ASSISTANT WOMAN: I'll just go and see if they're ready.
(slopes off into the glassed lab coat area... stands talking to one of them for FIFTEEN FUCKING MINUTES while i am so ANGRY and SHAKING with RAGE that i start to emit a low humming noise. Various people ask me if i would like to sit down then back away slowly when i GLARE at them. I am not the only person in the shop getting pissed off. Anyway, after FIFTEEN MINUTES she returns...)
SAAW: (not making any apology for leaving me stood there) He's still trying ... would you like to come and sit in the waiting area?
So i go OUT OF VIEW of other people, where i find a copy of the Daily Mail. I start to agree with it's worldview, this is how PISSED OFF i am. Staff are now avoiding my eye as they run past. ANOTHER fifteen minutes later she comes back, says "Here you are, sorry for the wait", and i put them on. She turns round to talk to someone else, so i put my other glasses away, hang round a moment, then think "sod this", and WALK OUT OF THE SHOP WITHOUT PAYING.
This made me feel better.
So, the moral of the story is Do Not privatise formerly respected parts of the medical profession, lest they get taken over by Cnuts like Vision Express, with all the ethics and GODDAM PROFESSIONALISM of a Used car Dealer. Grrr.