Nancy Five

 

 

“I’m never getting married.”

Four men sit around a table.  A fifth is in the kitchen.

“I am also never getting married.”

“You two don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I’d like a wife.”

 

                It was two against two.  Everyone was holding 2 cards.  Everyone at the table is intelligent.  Ethan and Marty are opposed to marriage.  Lars and Joel like the idea of marriage.

 

Ethan:     “It’s much easier to live alone.  It’s impossible to do whatever you want when another person is involved.”

Lars:       “But the benefits of being with someone far outweigh the negatives.”

               

At this point, everyone is holding one card.

Marty = 5 spades

Joel = 3 diamonds

Lars = 7 diamonds

Ethan = Jack of Hearts

Hearts is trump.

 

“I’ll bet you can’t think of one thing that I think is a benefit.”

“Sex.”

“Preposterous.”
                As the Jack of hearts hits the table Marty moans as he doesn’t score in this round. 

Joel keeps score and says, “I like sex.”

                Chad enters from the kitchen holding a tray of hot food.

 

Ethan continues:  “If anything, sex is better when marriage is not involved.  You’re free to switch partners and experience it in different ways.  It never gets mundane.”

                Ethan has a poster of Bill Walton in his room.

 

Recovering from the low score, Marty says, “I agree, I can only have sex with the same woman 15 times.  After that all my moves are used up.”

 

Joel shuffles.  “Is that 15 nights or 15 orgasms?”

Lars adds to the question. “Yours or hers?”

 

Marty:    “Mine.”  They all perform a high five that is perfectly centered above the table.

 

Chad sets down the tray of hot food and says, “Talking about boobs?”  Then he cups his own boobs.  Then Marty tweaks his nip.  Everyone is having fun.

 

fun \ 'fŭn \ n. 1 : something that provides amusement or enjoyment; esp : playful boisterous action or speech 2 : amusement, enjoyment <sickness takes the fun out of life> [English dialect fun “to hoax”]

 

Lars:       “But the sex is always there in marriage.”

Ethan:     “I don’t think that’s true.”

Lars pauses:          “You’re right.”

 

Some of them take food, Joel finishes dealing.  Chad asks them to start a new game and everyone tells him no.

 

“Why don’t you go find me a glass of lemonade, Nancy Drew?”  Chad withdraws from the room.

 

Lars continues:     “Friendship.”

Ethan :    “I have friends.”

Lars:       “Partnership.  Someone to share your feelings with.”

 

                Before Ethan digs in on this challenge, he digs into his shirt pocket, excavating a soft pack of cigarettes.  Camel Lights.  Very traditional, nothing cool about it.  Before he gets his lit, he passes out two.  Now three-fourths of the room is smoking.

 

Ethan:     “Do you share your feelings with girls?”

Lars:       “Yes.”

Ethan:     “But you share your feelings with friends.”

Lars:       “No.  That’s not true.  Ethan, you are my friend and I think that fact is obvious.  Obvious to everyone in this room.  I don’t share my feelings with you.  Not on the same level as I share them with my girlfriend or a girl that I’m trying to sleep with.”

 

As they speak, they continue playing cards.  Chad enters carrying two glasses of lemonade and puts one in front of Marty.  Three-fifths of the room is smoking.

 

Ethan:     “I don’t think I’d share my feelings with my wife.  At least no more than I share them with you or you with me.”

Lars:       “Are you telling me that you have never shared your feelings with a woman that you’ve dated?”  Ethan doesn’t respond.  “ I know that you have.  I think you do, and I think you enjoy it and I think you will share it with your wife.”  Lars arranges his cards.  “And I think you want to do it.  And want a wife.”

 

                Four fifths of the room is smoking.

 

Ethan:     “Bullshit.”

Lars:       “That’s bullshit?”

Ethan:     “No, what I tell women is bullshit.”  He waves one hand in the air.  “Bullshit.”

Lars:       “I don’t believe you.”

Ethan:     “It masquerades as feeling, but I think at the base, it’s nothing.  Just poetry.”

 

                Chad has burnt his mouth.  “What do you think of these?  Pretty good, huh?”  Everyone agrees.

 

Lars:       “Children.”

Ethan:     “I don’t want kids.”

Lars:       “I don’t believe you.”

 

                Marty has bid 1.  He has five cards left.  Two are queens and one is a king.  It’s going to be tough getting rid of these kids.

 

Ethan:     “Kids are worse than women.  Your own life is over once you have children.  Or it should be.  The basic activities and thoughts can remain, but the focus shifts to the child.  A major inconvenience.”

Lars:       “Do you think you will always have that opinion?”

Ethan:     “Yes.”

Lars:       “Even when you’re old and have nothing?”

Ethan:     “Especially when I’m old.  You’d have to be an idiot to think your opinion will change with age.”

 

A young woman enters the room from another room towards the front of the house.  She is wearing a pink t-shirt with the female symbol ♀ on it.

 

Lars:       “Beth, are you ever getting married?”

Beth:       “No.  I prefer to do whatever I feel like whenever I feel like it.” She turns to leave.

Lars:       “Wait.  Do you want to have children?”

Beth:       “Maybe when I’m bored and out of shape.  Maybe when I’m 50.”

Lars:       “Is that possible?”
Beth:       “It’s alright.  I’m dating a scientist.”

 

                From the other room, a man appears and stands next to Beth.  He is wearing a white lab coat, glasses and tennis shoes.  “Hello.”  He awkwardly grabs her breast and kisses her on the cheek. 

                They both leave.

 

Joel:         “I thought it was odd that he was wearing sneakers.”

 

“A man’s character can always be determined by looking at his shoes.”

-         Mark Twain

 

Underneath the table, all of the men are wearing high heels.