ARTICLE I:Bea Arthur, Be Naked!
ARTICLE II: Tom Jones is the ONLY true GOD!
ARTICLE III:The Wal-Mart "happy face" is actually a clever disguise for the gunman on the Grassy Knoll
ARTICLE IV:Hanson is the secret three headed demon of satan (Serbius)
ARTICLE V: Thou shalt not waste excretion or flatulation . . . they are to be publically appreciated.
ARTICLE VI: Austin 3:16
ARTICLE VII: If the food supply of the world were to come under an unforeseen threat, it is good to know that man could live on Guiness alone.
ARTICLE VIII: The resistance to the MiniVan regime
Click here to read (in depth) the plight of those fighting this terrible enemy.
ARTICLE IX: Sam Walton was Adolph Hitler's evil twin.
ARTICLE X:Commuting is merely one big excuse and breeding zone for..... ROAD RAGE. Brought on by that one dumb A@* who:
A. Can't choose a lane!!!
B. Seem to think the fast lane was set aside as their own personal parking lot/ beauty parlor/ cell phone booth!!!!!
(Refer to article VIII for further clarification)
ARTICLE XI: Thou shal not talk to the guy in the next stall in a public restroom. Except in cases of extreme duress. For example; no toilet paper in your stall or you have fallen in and can't swim to the safety. If the latter should happen remain calm and don't eat the chocolate Twinkie.
ARTICLE XII:It is not excessive to rub your car w/ a cloth diaper. However it is excessive to wipe your arse with your car.
ARTICLE XIII:Cut through the red tape and do the shit right the first time. (Sorry little temper tantrum)
ARTICLE XIV:If you get stuck behind the ever present mini-van demon be kind and aim low. Only shoot the back tires as so to not flip the van but only to force off the road.
ARTICLE XV:Isn't it funny how on Friday night, those people with no life and only live across the street from work aren't worried about holding you late waiting for information you need to leave.
ARTICLE XVI:Why is it the only crazy or pungent smelling person on BART (Bay Area Rapid Transit)sits next to or wants to talk to me?
ARTICLE XVII:An experiment for those stuck in the cramped quarters of the "Death Cells" known as subways or for the San Francisco Bay Area traveler BART: In the middle of a crowded train try you hardest (w/out crapping your pants)to push out a nice juicy "Air Biscuit". And see how quickly you acquire breathing room.
ARTICLE XVIII:What ever you do don't piss off "The Boss's" Boss!!!! In my experience the piss that comes off will end up on you. And while some may enjoy this I am not one of those peoples. If you are please send pictures.
ARTICLE XIX:In response to Article XVIII. Pissing off the Boss's Boss does have its pirks. Like when you try for a job twice and you are told no both times. Then finally on the third time they "bestow up on you" the "honor" of this promotion. And you first month out you bring in nearly 175% of the sales goal they gave you. Oh did I mention being at 195% for the following month by the 13th of that month. Don't make yourself have to take it all at once. Choose you F*%*K Y*@'s carefully.
ARTICLE XX:DAMN!!!! Artice 20 already!! I didn't think I had this much bitching to do. I guess you never know what you can do until you put your mind to it. Not bad for an under achiever and his friend. The computer guru, Spleanie.
ARTICLE XXI:God or who ever forbid that Hanson and Brittney Spears ever breed. This would be bad. Imagine a bunch of Mm Bopping zombies in tight shirts, with voices that sound like they took a cuzoo and shoved it up all of their orifaces while singing about wanting to be hit one more time with puberty. (The world will end I am sure)
ARTICLE XXII: Boy Band Regime
-Protect yourselves..... The 98 degree nsync backstreet boys are coming to spread the infection that almost destroyed the world in the late eighties known as NKOTB.
-If you see someone that is infected:
a. Beat the hell out of them w/ a wet noodle
b. Remove any branding of these demons ie. pretty picture of things that look like they could be men but are entirely to pretty to possibly posses a penis.
c. Please remember to sterilize anything that has come in contact w/ a carrier or his/her possesions. (fire is the only real way to ensure no infection remains) THIS DOES NOT MEAN TO BURN THE CARRIER.only there infected or branded belongings
d. If the carrier should begin to sing or hum these tribal chants stop them with an open handed slap to the mouth, as to end the trance and maybe save them from further symptoms.
e. We can bring this attack to an end if we just work together. Just believe in a world free of these attackers and it will be. So Says THE SAINT.
ARTICLE XXIII:Sometimes is not enough to just say you are the best. Sometimes it is necassary to exercise ritualistic torture. In order to be sure that others agree.
ARTICLE XXIV:
Maxim
is proof that Tom Jones is merciful(refer to Article II). Finally a Magazine for guys that makes for a stylish and intelligent coffee table. (Not that Sports Illustrated isn't. Sorry it's just not my thing) It's like..... Victoria's Secret meets Men's Health Magazine. Now that not only makes for a pretty picture but intelligent reading. I give it 2 poops up. And if you like MAXIM check out
MAXIM U.K.
ARTICLE XXV:Isn't it great how everyone becomes a fucking genius when you have a problem. Nothing pisses me off more than being told how to do my job by someone who's job I have been doing for the past 2 months. I hate to bitch about this but damn it I hate that!
ARTICLE XXVI:Could somebody please explain to me why every dumb@#* is drawn to me. Why is it I could by standing in the middle of the largest toilet manufacturing factory in the world, and that one dumb mother #@&*$% would come up to me and ask me where I they could find a toilet(hypathetical). I know that made no sense but, even a saint has a momentary loss of reason and sense.
ARTICLE XXVII:It has been written that Britney Spears is the bringer of the end of life on earth. If I hear one more time the she "Oops, Hit me again" I am going to go Oklahoma on her ass. (Interesting picture)The girl has got looks from hell I will give her that. But she sounds like someone clipped the balls off of Willie Nelson and told him to sing pop. I am thinking there will be another Milli Vanilli controversy in the near future.
ARTICLE XXVIII:DOES ANY BODY EVEN READ THIS STUFF. IF SO LET ME KNOW. SAINTPOOP@YAHOO.COM
ARTICLE XXIX:Don't feel too shitty when the boss tells you that you are doing great with one breath and tells you how bad you suck with the next. They are probably uncomfortable with the fact that you are doing better than they did when they where in your position. But find it necassary to point out what ever they can to bring you back down to earth.
ARTICLE XXX:(added 11/30/00)For all of us who still don't know the f*%@ our President is!!! Here is a little insight to some of the possible problems the elections are having this year.....
It's just a theory but the similarities are scary.
ARTICLE XXX:Let us all pay homage to the all to often over looked art of the Hats of Meat. This is an art form whos time has come. No longer should it be looked on as weird or strange. But instead as a beautiful and exciting way to use your meat.
ARTICLE XXXI:I have been given TOP SECRET evidence as to why Pets.com went under. And sadly enough it is not unlike many other major corporations in this world (MICROSOFT)
ARTICLE XXXII:The early signs of addiction.... Should not be taken lightly.
ARTICLE XXXIII:One of the newest Dividians (atorg2001) brought up a good point.... Why the f@#* do we stay at jobs that we hate? They suck out our life blood and they be little you into thinking you can't do any better.
ARTICLE XXXIV:Well it is now December 13,2000, a full month + after the November 7th election. And guess what, we actually have an f'n president. Damn, I bet daddy is so proud of him. Man as if SNL didn't have enough fun with the Bush family. Hey if nothing else, it will ad to the already amazing line up they have. Another Bush.... In a White House.... With the "special white powder".... Did I mention Mom's white bush of hair. THE END IS NEAR I CAN FEEL IT!!!!!!!!!
ARTICLE XXXV:Here is another experiment that has brought a wealth of knowledge to light in the field of Swimming.
THE ART OF HIGH SPEED POOL SLIDING
Step 1: Get a pool slide (Slip and slide would work also neither of which have to be yours.
Step 2: Ingest large amounts of alcohol or anything else that will negate the presance of inhabitions.
Step 3: Climb to the top of the slide's ladder.
Step 4: Pull down swim trunks to the point as to bare your ass to the world. Think "moon". If you are wearing a bikini... first let me say thank you for all of those who find you attractive. If you are a guy wearing a bikini.... I am scared shitless but very proud of you ability to go against the grain of sexually swade swim wear. In either case follow the same steps as those with swim trunks. If you happen to be wearing a thong bikini let me just say, "OUCH!!" But thank you also. If you are wearing a bikini it will not be necassary for you to pull down you bottom as your Bottom is already in "Almost Full Moon" status. Again if you are a guy and in a thong..... MORE POWER TO YOU!!!! Finally if you are wearing a Speedo. Stop reading this section walk to the nearest mirror. After you have convinced your self that it is attractive to place Vienna Sausages and Raisenettes in an air tight package, grab yourself by the back of the head and drive it through said mirror. Once bleeding has stopped find a pair of trunks and continue reading.
Step 5: Sit down on the slide (at the top).
Step 6: Grab onto the sides of the slide and push off with all of your strength. If you have followed my directions to the letter the speed gained should almost throw you onto your back. If you were a dumb ass and forgot to a. turn on the water to the slide or b. fill the pool with water, you are now in alot of pain. With any luck you can still work your motor functions and can send pictures this would be great!!!!
DISCLAIMER: None of the stuff on this page should be taken seriously (except for the one about Hanson and Guiness)it is only for entertainment purposes. I actually like mini-vans really I do. Ah who am I kidding? The inventor needs his/her head examined and compared to that loud German with the little mustache.
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