Thinking of you

 

 

"What are you thinking about?" I asked. She said: "Chicken". It wasn't funny at the time, and it still isn't. She was thinking about me, but didn't want to admit it. I used to know her really well.

That's not what saddens me, it's not unattractive or unparticular at all. It's just the fact that it was the end, far and deep into it, and she still wouldn't admit things that were evident.

The thought of her haunts the back of my mind. It's not the "what If" or wondering what could've been. I'm past that now. I just think about her, wonder if she's ok, wonder how's she doing, what she's doing...even who she is doing.

I'm away from the torment and turmoil of the relationship, and I'm glad. But people talk about "The one who got away", and it makes me think. If two people are meant to be,  wouldn't they still be together? Wouldn't love last forever? I'm no expert.

What I do know is what happened, and on my side I know where I am at. I don't know  what she grew up to be, if she grew up at all. I know all the feelings and all the thoughts in my head, even the ones forming as I write this. I know my contempt and disappointment; I know my honesty and rage. I know who whispers in my head and the anger that riddles my poisoned heart.

I also know how I grew away from it, from the weight that kept pulling me down,  absorbing my energy and interest, making each day a sadistic parade of unfortunate events that didn't amount to anything.

I fought and I conquered that part of me. But did you? Do you still struggle with what was done to your heart? Do you still lie in bed at night thinking of me? Does it haunt you like it haunts me? And still, do you fight and ignore what we were?

Am I the one who got away?