As things began to fizzle, I started thinking of ways to rewrite my recent history. Failed attempts and overzealousness haven proven to be the wrong road to travel, taking me places where rejection is of common knowledge.

 

Not only do I feel overpowered by frustration and fear of being alone, I trip over my eagerness to be the nice person that saves the day, when some people do not request to be rescued. I’ve much to learn in what seems to be plenty of time. But I’m weakened by my own lack of belief, deafened by the loud silence of the almost evident demise of the thing that never began. Does it make sense at all? I vowed to not play the game, not to go by the rules that guarantee you heartbreak. I thought that being myself would be good enough. I should’ve known better, gave myself too much credit for being this charming, articulate person with lots to offer. But I’m tainted, jaded, overrated.

 

I do have a heart though. And it waits, and it wants. So much bullshit, layers of it, covers us all and coats the fear that was branded upon us from decades of failed relationships and stupid mistakes. Is it true that I can only hope for redemption and ultimately a miracle in the love department? Is everything bad I’ve done in my life created this inevitable curse that lies deep within my attempts? How long must I pay, pray, try, and fail? I am tired, I am weak. I need a break.

 

This room is too hot and confining, but I can’t stop writing. I am hoping for a sweet epiphany, something to make me see the road ahead; past the fog and uncertainty, through the maze and craziness, to my absolute truth. I just need a little guidance, help me bark up the right tree, hold on to the right idea, follow the right path.

 

I don’t want to be lost. I am a child in a big body with an even bigger imagination. Don’t let it go to waste; the mind is such a terrible thing to waste.

 

Thank you so much for all the years of putting up with my insanity and unpredictable bursts of emotion. I have tried to be honest, but sometimes that is not enough. For that I am truly sorry.