I’m planning this God-awful thing. I’m
planning to leave you. I’m not proud of it, but I’m hoping that after you read
this, you’d agree with me.
All my life I’ve been this loser, this reject... the one that gets put down by
everybody, ‘cause nothing good ever comes out of my mouth (or so they say). I
don’t know what to believe anymore.
I don’t expect you to understand right away, but I know I can’t make you
suffer. I know this hurts, I can see your tears even though I’m not here with you
at this moment. Somehow I know this is for the best. You would have suffered
more in the end, if you had seen me die. And I’ve been dying for a while now;
like a plant you forget to water, I kept forgetting to live and here I am now:
gone.
This is not amusing, I feel ya. I can’t win, not even
now that I’ve passed away. Somewhere along the line you liked me, and that
pleased me. But you weren’t mine, and I wasn’t yours to keep for good. I had to
go. You have to forgive me. Losers are underrated. I’m tired of living inside
this bubble, this prison made of see-through glass that both poisoned and
suffocated me.
Days passed by and life no longer seemed like a good idea. So that’s why I had
to write you. Please know that I spent every waking moment writing you, even
when I didn’t know you; I just wrote to the wind expecting the right reader to
come along. You are my favorite reader of them all. I wrote you a thousand
letters in my head, saying how I feel over and over again, asking you to run
away with me, to leave your hectic life so you could join me on an beautiful
island, to live absurdly happily ever after. But faith chose otherwise. And now
here you are, still crying, not believing this letter, wanting it not to be
true. But it is true. This life, this pain, it’s all over. Call me selfish if
you will. I can’t stop you, and God knows I warned you about it. You were
warned (and you didn’t care). You healed my wounds even though I was afraid of
you, of letting you in. I tried to keep you away from my pain. Please forgive
me for ever being too stupid for words.
I just hope that wherever I am now, be it heaven or hell, somewhere in between
or back on earth, that we remain connected… and if I get to be a new person
indeed, I pray for the next time around to be better so hopefully that way I’ll
end up in your heart again. I know I’d like that.
Please try to find relief in my words, and know that I’ll be proud of whatever
you make of your life. I know you must resent me for killing our chance at a
future together, but don’t. It’s no good. Think of the past and what we wanted
to achieve. Maybe carrying my heart won’t seem like a burden that way.
Good byes are underrated as well. Like rainy mornings of spring. Like every
kiss I forgot to give you. Like all the letters I wrote in my head. Like both
our hearts. Like my shame and pain.
I must go now. I won’t borrow words from the poets, since you thought of me as
one. I always tried to give you more than what I could, but just enough so you
could handle it. Life is that way. I will miss our talks, our songs and your
heart. You were more than what I ever deserved and dreamed of. I was blessed to
carry your heart, even if it was just for a moment. Please try to understand.
Time stands still, and I’ll be forever imprinted on your memory. You’re bound
to think of me, and I shall be in love with you for many lives to come. I was
never good at farewells anyway.