Exorcism

 

 

If I tried to exorcise the demons and bring the skeletons out of my closet, I'm sure they could easily find me first before I did so.

You see, I haven’t disappeared on them. I haven’t changed the location they knew of. I’m in the same place and my heart and in my head where they use to haunt me, yet something’s different. I can’t put my finger on it. But I know I've built up my defenses against them, instead of against other living people like I used to do.

So many bad habits broken within the same season...how odd, how unnatural and out of character on my part. People would applaud such recovery, such a comeback. And I wouldn’t blame them, for I do feel accomplished on some level.

The ghosts of my era, the skeletons that haunted me and supported my addictions, are now gone. They tend to visit from time to time, like a long lost friend or distant relative. But I ignore them. I know what they want.  I couldn’t give you a date; I couldn’t tell you how long it has been since they were last successful. Whenever they won I came out a failure. And it hurt me, and it hurt other people. It was unfair and insane.

The demons of my past were persistent, nasty, had no manners. They still roam my town, inserting paranoia and rage into my daily routine, injecting me with anger and jealousy. I guess we all have a little devil on our shoulder...but mine liked to get behind the wheel and run the show, which wasn’t so good.

Could I say I'm healed now? Because I don't listen to them like I used to? Or because I’ve allowed the so anticipated, well-needed and deserved peace of mind to finally set in? I can’t say. But what I do know is, I go to bed at night, and I know there’s a long road ahead, full of twists and turns, and risks to take. Such risks could bring me to my knees, or they very well could take me to victory...and I’m not terrified, or intimidated.

I could’ve given up...it was the road very often traveled with the best view known to man. But I chose to dust myself off, and get back on the horse. And it’s been the best ride ever since.

I have survived the pests of my generation, the delusion, rage and suicidal thinking. I put it all in a little box, wrote myself a happy letter and called it a day. The road isn’t over yet, but this I know:

I’m meeting the challenge head on, and not as a heroine, or as a martyr, but as a fighter.