No one could tell the Sugar Lumps and the Spice Girls apart at the video shoot for Comic Relief's version of Who Do You Think You Are? TOTP went along to help sort out the lunacy!
Jennifer Saunders reaches into her cleavage and plucks out something small. Ginger Spice immediately grabs it and pops it in her mouth. "You've eaten my nipple!" shrieks a horrified Jennifer. Ginger chews for a moment and then swallows loudly, turning to Jennifer with a satisfied smile.
"OK, I need another nipple," yells the Ab Fab star in pure Edina style. "Can someone find me a grape?" A bunch is brought over and Jennifer picks the juiciest one and pops it under her pink spangly top. "That's better. I feel more like Ginger again," she says, giving here new nipple a quick tweak and flashing a perfect Ginge pout.
HEAD-BOSHING AND BELCHING! It's bedlam here on the set of the Comic Relief video shoot. the Spice Girls are jostling on stage with their lookey-likeys the Sugar Lumps, otherwise known as Dawn French (Posh Sugar), Kathy 'Waynetta Slob' Burke (Sporty Sugar), Lulu (Baby Sugar), Llewella Gideon from TV show The Real McCoy (Scary Sugar) and of course Jennifer Ab Fab (Ginger Sugar), who are doing their best to out-Spice the Spicies. No wonder TOTP is the only publication invited to witness it all!
Director Greg Masvak claps his hands and tries to make himself heard above the commotion on stage. "Aaaarrrgh!" screeches Llewella shaking her hair aroung manically as if being attacked by a swarm of killer bees. "Yeah, that's me," nods an approving Scary. "What a great head-bosher you are." Meanwhile Lulu's giving Sporty a piggy-back ride, and Jennifer, who's tottering around on Ginge-type six-inch platform heels, gives an almighty Edinas belch.
"Oi, come on director!" bellows Scary, aka Mrs Bossy. "Let's get to work." The first thumping beats of Who Do You Think You Are? reverberate around the old music hall venue and the Spicies launch their dance routine while a motley crew of extras, dressed in exotic costumes and feather boa hats, start wriggling around in front of the stage. Slowly the Sugars come to life, becoming more and more exaggerated as they mimic the dance moves, lip puckerings and bum wiggles of the Spicies.
When the song finishes the Spicies run over to the camera moniter to see the playback. "Oh my God!" screams Ginger. "She really looks like me!" Everyone watches, amazed at Jennifer's uncanny impression. "I asked for Jennifer to play me," says Ginger, "because she has one of those faces that can change totally depending on her make-up. I knew she could do a good me but the likeness is really quite disturbing!"
SCRAPPING ON STAGE! The song starts up again and this time the dancing in the back row is more boisterous. Suddenly Jennifer fights her way to the front, elbowing Ginge (on seven-inch heels) out of the way. Ginge is having none of it, and goes to grab Jennifer's hair, but manages to bump into a glaring Dawn. With a neat sideways hip thrust, Dawn bounces Ginge off into the direction of Baby who's just been pushed to the back by Lulu. Kathy starts doing some high kicks in Sporty's direction and Scary storms in the middle to sort it all out.
"Cut! Cut!" yeels the director. "That was perfect! Time for a 30-second loo break." The girls wander off stage, adjusting their costumes and rearranging their hair. "That was more like it," Dawn says with Posh-style pursed lips and the only one with not a hair out of place.
"Dawn makes a great Posh," admits proper Posh. "She really does look and act like me. I was thinking, 'Oh my God do I really look that miserable?' Dawn did say to me though that for someone who looks so moody I do smile quite a bit. Actually," Posh frowns, "she's almost a bit too good at playing me and her bob doesn't go as frizzy as mine when she gets hot."
OOOPS! Jennifer's three daughters take the opportunity to run up and say 'hi' to Sporty and Ginger and show them the Spice Girls picture they've drawn. "They're massive fans," admits mum. "Meeting the girls is going to give them so much credibility at school tomorrow." Jennifer is suddenly tapped on the shoulder by the Spice Girls' PA. "Ger... ooops sorry! I thought you were Geri! God, how embarassing!"
Shooting is about to begin again ona new set decked in lurid purple with what seemed to be gold colanders stuck to the wall. In one corner Lulu is smothering Baby, checking her shirt is straight and making reassuring noises about her new, curly hairstyle. Meanwhile, much to her delight, Sporty has discovered that both she and Kathy can flare their nostrils in and out. Scary sits on the floor watching them, her furry-booted legs spread wide, as she picks bits of red fur out of her mouth. "I love these fluffy noses but the fur doesn't half get stuck in the back of me throat."
"Just back off!" suddenly shrieks Dawn to a surprised Posh. "It's getting too hot in here." Everyone falls silent until it becomes clear Dawn is just doing her moody Posh bit, she's not really cross. "Come on! Come on!" bosses Scary and everyone resumes their positions as the music starts up.
"Can you all groove a little more?" suggests director Greg. "Hang on, hang on," shouts Posh, arm in arm with Dawn. "We don't groove. Poshes strut." Greg nods his head meekly. "Oi, Jennifer!" yells Sporty. "Your nipple's fallen off!" Everyone starts looking at the floor for the errant grape. Greg takes a deep breath. "OK, action!"
DAWN CALLS MUM! Shooting is finally wrapped up a couple of hours and a bunch of grapes later and the girls run upstairs to change. All except Baby, that is, who is huddled by the side of the stage with Dawn. "Hello Emma's mum!" roars Dawn into a mobile phone. "I can't believe it," beams Baby. "My mum's such a massive fan of French and Saunders. She's going to be made up that Dawn asked to speak to her!"
Ginger emerges from the dressing room freshly-squeezed into a bright blue skin-tight long dress. "Wow, you have to go home like that!" gasps the de-wigged Jennifer who's swapped her sequins for a black jumper and trousers. "Yes I do, but then this is me," Ginge replies, squashing a last nipple-grape lying forlornly on the floor with her platform boots. "You see, this is what we're like all the time!"
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