Forget alien invasions and creatures from outer space taking over the earth because there's something spreading virus-like across the globe with awesome speed - it's Spice mania and it's deadly!!
"Brr-ring, brr-ring. Brr-ring, brr-ring!" It's Sunday lunch. My entire family is just about to tuck into their Roast beef and Yorkshires when the phone rings. "It's alright," I say, trying to sound casual, "it's just the Spice Girls."
"Oh," says my 80-year-old grandmother in excitement, taking the rest of the family by surprise, "I've heard of them."
But then it shouldn't really be a surprise because it seems that everybody has heard of the Spice Girls. Whether they're in Scotland, Belgium, or Papua New Guinea, they've picked their favourite Spicer, learnt the dance moves to Wannabe and sung along to Say You'll Be There.
"Listen you lot, stop singing," protests Mel C. "We're on the phone, so shut up!"
"What are you doing?" asks Geri, sounding jealous of the forth-coming lunch plans. "You're going to watch Eastenders, aren't you?" she sighs. "God, we're freezing here!"
"Here" is backstage at the Brits. It's rehearsal day and the girls have decided they might as well give Smash Hits a bell while they're hanging around.
Mel B is dying to go off and get Skin from Skunk Anansie's autograph. "Listen," she says, holding the phone towards the stage where Skin's vocals are in action. "Can your hear that? She's excellent."
Wait a minute. I'm talking to the most famous women on the planet and all they're doing is trying to tell me how great everyone else is. Let's take some time out to discover exactly how they conquered the world.
It all started in the UK. One minute they were going around singing to anyone who would listen, the next they were topping the charts with Wannabe. Asia and Europe were the next places to pick up Girl Power, and it was obvious that America had to be next. "Everyone makes a big thing about America," explains Geri, "because it's so hard to break. I think it's nice that girls can achieve it."
They came up with a grand plan. They'd go over in January when the single was released, start at the bottom and gradually work their way up. But it didn't quite happen like that. Radio stations started playing Wannabe in November, by the time they got out to the States they were in the Top 10. They turned up to play a gig in LA and found people queuing around the block hours before they were due on stage! In short, they were huge and they hadn't even said 'hi!' yet.
Emma was just happy to be out there. "I think actually going to America, for me, was quite a big thing. As a youngster I always wanted to go there but we couldn't afford it. All the way from the airport to our hotel I was looking out the window. I loved it."
Geri was gobsmacked. "I remember when I used to sign on the dole and there I was peering out of a flash hotel in New York and I chuckled to myself."
The best way to sum up their visit involves the words 'whirl' and 'wind'. They did gigs in LA, Miami, and New York. One minute they were on a bus with competition winners being served sweet and sour pork by transvestites, the next having luxurious massages.
The whole time the British tabloid press was tailing them. "It was really funny," chuckles Mel c. "One day there were so many paparazzi outside the hotel that we had to drive around the hotel five times until they cleared a way in. These photographers are not the fittest people, they were running around the block and by the third time they'd given up. They were all red in the face, puffing and panting and never got any pictures in the end."
The ytabloids are forever stalking the girls and they've got used to reading outrageous stories about themselves.
"I read that I'm a private dancer (a dancer for money)," scoffs Mel B. "I wish I was - you'd make loads of money then, wouldn't you?"
"I read that I had this big birthday bash," says a bemused Emma. "It was only a family thing - my friends were ringing me up to ask why they hadn't been invited, and I was like, hold on, it wasn't like that..."
"The papers are desperately following me and my family around," sighs Victoria, "desperately trying..."
"They printed a really bad story about me," says Mel B angrily, "which wasn't nice for my family. Now they want to apologize to me and they can stick their apology up their arse because the damage is done now, isn't it?"
She pauses, before adding, "They can print whatever they want because at te end of the day it's the fans that matter. They're all Spice Girls and Boys," says Mel B.
All the girls agree on this matter.
"It's the best feeling," says Geri, "when I see a group of girls and they come up and give you a hug and say that what we're doing is cool. I just think 'wow'."
And they're not going to move across the Atlantic...
"A lot of people have said, 'oh you're going to have to move out to America'," says Victoria, "and the truth is we would never, ever move away from home."
"I'd miss my mum," adds Emma.
But she's going to have to be away from her mum a lot next year. The Spicers are planning a world tour next February - Australia, the Far East, the States, and, of course, Europe, and the UK.
By then the whole world will be under the spell of Spice. I remind them that at last year's Brits they were going around singing at tables.
"We were nutters, weren't we?" laughs Geri.
"And we've had a little bit of success," says Mel C, "we think if we're mad, the whole world must be mad." She laughs, "Everyone's just lost it!"
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