Fun Stuff

Fun Stuff
Please imagine for yourself an amusing sub-paragraph full of witty banter placed right here.
Contents

The Corruption Test

Seminars For Women

Seminars For Men

Pub Crawl Ideas

Politically Correct Terms For Females

The Corruption Test - How sleazy are you ?

Answer the questions below honestly and then check your score in the following table to see how you did, what kind of person you are, and if you've lived or not.

Ever laughed at someone's misfortune? (1 point)
Ever tried alcohol? (1)
Ever been drunk? (2)
Ever play drinking games? (2)
Ever fall down because you drank too much? (3)
Ever drink enough to throw up? (4) Bonus: throwing up on yourself or another person? (1)

Ever wake up and not remember what you did the night before? (5)
Ever been forcibly removed from a bar? (8)
Ever participated in/finished a pub crawl? (5)
Do you drink regularly, at least 3 times a week? (3) Bonus: 1 point for each additional day, max 7 points

Ever fall asleep/pass out in a bar? (4)
Ever try pot, hash, magic mushrooms? (4 points per drug tried)
Do you do drugs regularly? (4) Bonus: > 4 times a week? (4)

Ever bought soft drugs? (4)
Ever sell drugs? (6)
Ever sell drugs to support a drug habit? (12)
Ever used barbituates? (8)
Ever used hallucinogens? (8)
Ever used narcotics? (10)
Ever been stoned and/or drunk for more than 48 hours? (8)
Ever been on a date? (2)
Ever been felt up, groped? (2) Bonus: to orgasm? (2)

Ever have sexual intercourse? (6)
Ever read Playboy/Playgirl magazine? (2)
Ever have a bath or shower with a member of the opposite sex? (5)
Ever paid for sex? (8)
Ever taken advantage of someone while they were drunk or stoned? (4)
Ever get someone stoned or drunk in order to obtain sexual favours, and succeed? (8)
Ever engage in oral sex? (4) Bonus: to orgasm? (2)

Ever engage in anal sex? (6) Bonus: To orgasm? (2)

Ever engage in the 69 position? (4)
Ever contracted an STD? (12)
Ever had sex without a contraceptive? (4)
Ever had or knowingly been responsible for an abortion? (12)
Ever had sex with more than one person at the same time? (9)
Ever had sex with 2 or more partners in a week? (4)
Ever had sex in a public place? (6)
Ever had carpet burns, in relation to a sexual act? (4)
Ever engage in sexual activity with a member of the same sex? (10)
Ever practiced bondage, masochism, or sadism for sexual gratification? (8)
Ever used sex toys? (6)
Ever pass out during sex? (5)
Ever been responsible for losing someone else's virginity? (4)
Ever masturbated while talking on the phone? (3)
Ever bought something in a sex shop? (3)
Ever licked or have someone lick an eyeball? (1) toes? (2) ears? (1)
Ever have sex with a relative? (5)
Ever make someone sleep in the wet spot? (6)
Does necrophilia, paedophilia, or beastiality turn you on? (20)
Ever been arrested? (8) Bonus: convicted? (7)

Scoring:

*Your Score*	The Verdict
0 - 20	A life with the church is too corrupt for you
21 - 40	You barely make our scale
41 - 60	Approaching normal, you aren't much fun on a date
61 - 100	Normal, you use your right hand like everybody else
101 - 130	Above average, you've got a few tricks below the belt
131 - 160	You're enjoying life to the max
161 - 200	You're a danger to society. Who let you out on a day pass?
Above 200	You are going straight to hell...

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Announcing: Seminars For Women

COURSE 001	Get Enough Courage To Make Decisions
COURSE 002	Housework-The Final Frontier
COURSE 003	PMS - Solitary Confinement Will Work
COURSE 004	How To Properly Serve A Beer
COURSE 005	Shopping-Overcoming Your Addiction
COURSE 006	Laundry-Your Second Life
COURSE 007	Understanding "Men's Night Out"
COURSE 008	Parenting-You Too Can Learn How To Discipline
COURSE 009	Get A Life: Stop Crying
COURSE 010	How Not To Be A Bitch When Giving Directions
COURSE 011	Understanding Your Inferiority
COURSE 012	Get Rid Of All Those Plants
COURSE 013	Bon-bons Aren't Everything
COURSE 014	How To Overcome Headaches During Foreplay
COURSE 015	SEX101: You Can Survive Without Multiple Orgasms
COURSE 016	SEX102: How To Sleep On The Wet Spot
COURSE 017	SEX103: Shut-Up And Go To Sleep
COURSE 018	How To Conserve Toilet Paper
COURSE 019	Leave Him Alone During Match Of The Day
COURSE 020	Building Confidence 302 - Liposuction
COURSE 021	Building Confidence 303 - Breast Implants
COURSE 022	Building Confidence 304 - Electrolysis
COURSE 023	Learn How To Drive / Park
COURSE 024	Distinguishing Between A Goal & A Try

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand. Class size will be limited to 10 as the courses may prove to be emotional.

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Announcing: Seminars For Men

COURSE 001	Combating Stupidity
COURSE 002	You Too Can Do Housework
COURSE 003	PMS - Learn When To Keep Your Mouth Shut
COURSE 004	How To Fill An Ice Tray
COURSE 005	We Do Not Want Sleazy Underthings For Christmas
COURSE 006	Wonderful Laundry Techniques (Formerly - Don't Wash My Silks)
COURSE 007	Understanding Female Responses To Coming Home At 4:00 AM
COURSE 008	Parenting: It Doesn't End With Conception
COURSE 009	Get A Life: Learn To Cook
COURSE 010	How NOT To Act Like An Asshole When You Are Wrong
COURSE 011	Understanding Your Incompetence
COURSE 012	YOU: The Weaker Sex
COURSE 013	Reasons To Give Flowers
COURSE 014	How To Stay Awake After Sex
COURSE 015	SEX101: You CAN Fall Asleep Without It If You Really Try
COURSE 016	SEX102: Morning Dilemma - If Its Awake, Take A Shower
COURSE 017	How To Put The Toilet Seat Down
COURSE 018	The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency
COURSE 019	How NOT To Act Younger Than Your Children
COURSE 020	You Too Can Be A Designated Driver
COURSE 021	Honest - You Don't Look Like Mel Gibson - Especially Naked
COURSE 022	The Obtainable Goal: Omitting "/@#* From Your Vocabulary
COURSE 023	Fluffing The Blanket After Farting Is Not Necessary
COURSE 024	Real Men Ask For Directions

Please register immediately as courses are in great demand. Class size will be limited to 10 as the courses may prove to be emotional.

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Pub Crawl Ideas

Can't organise a piss-up in a brewery?

Planning a bit of a pub crawl but not sure how to guarantee you'll all get horribly drunk, look like complete fools, and spend a night in the cells ? Then simply have a look at the rules I drew up for our beano's to Brighton and Bournemouth and you're laughing. Sort of.

Objects of the exercise

To win by having more points than any other team after the last pub

To get very drunk indeed

Ways to win points for your team

Finish your drink first in a pub (10 points)

Downing your drink in one (10 points)

Be first to order at the bar in the next pub (3 points)

Telling the best joke in a pub (5 points)

Successfully performing a 'Task/Forfeit' (10 points)

Winning a pub game (pool,darts etc) (6 points)

A good burp (3 points)

Throwing up and carrying on drinking (15 points)

'Liberating' an impressive item from a pub when we leave (5-15 points)

Ways to lose points for your team

Be the last to finish your drink in a pub (10 points)

Ordering a girly drink or taking too long (8 points)

Telling a shite joke (5 points)

Refusal or failure to perform a 'Task/Forfeit' (10 points)

Losing a pub game (pool,darts etc) (6 points)

Throwing up and stopping drinking (15 points)

A particularly nasty fart (3-6 points)

Spilling or wasting drink (yours or other peoples) (5 points)

Not wearing your party hat at all times (8 points)

Additional points may be awarded or deducted as appropriate for...

Any good/bad party tricks or drinking stunts performed

Chatting up girlies (depending on ugliness and how far you get)

Cheating or suspicion of cheating

Anything else I feel like at the time

List of tasks & forfeits.

Buy a condom and fit it on your head (1 try for each team member,1 successful attempt required)

Finish your drink in next 3 mins starting NOW

Ask one of the barstaff to marry you

Kiss all your fellow team members

Do a handstand against the wall

Put a vodka in your drink and finish it

Put a vodka in any other persons drink (if that team refuse they lose 15 points & you get 5)

One team member to eat 3 packets of crisps before we leave this pub

Gargle the theme tune to ‘Match Of The Day’ with beer in your mouth for at least 20 seconds

Have an extra beer between your team in this pub

Whole team must speak in stupid accent (decided by other teams) until we leave this pub

Team may drink halves in next pub, or drink normal round and score double, or have a chaser as well and score treble

Nominate other team to finish all drinks in 5 mins - if they fail you get the points and they lose points,if they do it, they get the points and your team loses points

Find a Spice Girls song on the jukebox in this pub and put it on. If there’s no jukebox you lose!

All team members sit on the floor until all their drinks are finished in this pub

No team members allowed to have a piss until the next pub

All team members must start every sentence with the words ‘Oi, wanker’ until you finish your drink (even talking to strangers)

Two team members to remove their underwear until next pub (can do it in private but proof required!)

Have your photo taken with bar staff behind bar or lose 5 points

All team members to stand in a corner facing the wall with one hand on their heads until drink finished

All team members must swap drinks with each other & finish them

Name 4 songs played in the bus on the way here or lose 10 points

Starting from now all team members must shout "Gazelle" every 5 minutes on the dot until we leave the pub. Lose 5 points for each Gazelle missed or said at wrong time

Take your time with your drinks - no penalty if you’re last

Skip a drink or have a half - no penalty

Good luck, and may the drunkest team win

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Politically Correct Terms For Females

She does not... Get PMS She becomes... HORMONALLY HOMICIDAL	She does not have... A KILLER BODY She is: TERMINALLY ATTRACTIVE	She is not... A BAD COOK She is: MICROWAVE COMPATIBLE
She is not... A BAD DRIVER She is: AUTOMOTIVELY CHALLENGED	She is not a... PERFECT 10 She is: NUMERICALLY SUPERIOR	She is not... EASY She is: HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE
She does not... HATE SPORTS ON TV She is: ATHLETICALLY BIASED	She does not have... SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT	She does not have... SEXY LIPS She is: COLLAGEN DEPENDENT
She does not get... DRUNK She is: ACCIDENTALLY OVER-SERVED	You do not ask her... TO DANCE You request a: PRE-COITAL RHYTHMIC EXPERIENCE	She is not... A GOSSIP She is a: VERBAL TERMINATOR
She is not... TOO SKINNY She is: SKELETALLY PROMINENT	She does not have... A GREAT BUTT She is: GLUTEUS TO THE MAXIMUS	She is not... HOOKED ON SOAP OPERAS She is: MELODRAMATICALLY FIXATED
She is not... COLD OR FRIGID She is: THERMALLY INCOMPATIBLE	She does not... WEAR TOO MUCH MAKE-UP She is: COSMETICALLY OVERSATURATED	She does not have... GREAT CLEAVAGE (A GREAT RACK) Her breasts are: CENTRALLY LOCATED
She will never... GAIN WEIGHT She will become: A METABOLIC UNDERACHIEVER	She is not... A SCREAMER OR MOANER She is: VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE	She does not... SHAVE HER LEGS She experiences: TEMPORARY STUBBLE REDUCTION
She does not have... A HARD BODY She is: ANATOMICALLY INFLEXIBLE	She does not... SUN BATHE She experiences: SOLAR ENHANCEMENT	Her breast will never... SAG They will: LOSE THEIR VERTICAL HOLD
She does not... SHOP TOO MUCH She is: OVERLY SUSCEPTIBLE TO MARKETING PLOYS	She does not... CUT YOU OFF She becomes: HORIZONTALLY INACCESSIBLE	She does not have... BIG HAIR She is: OVERLY AEROSOLED
She does not... SNORE She is: NASALLY REPETITIVE	She does not... GET DRUNK She becomes: VERBALLY DYSLEXIC	She does not have... BIG HOOTERS Her: CUPS RUNNETH OVER

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