self-destruction.

i'm writing this because, partially i know pretty much everyone will be affected by this sort of thing one way or another sometime in their life, and also partially because i was reading this book called suicide: the forever decision which is written specifically for suicidal people (although im not suicidal) and i dont know. it interests me. by self-destruction i mean two things mainly, which seem to be in a way "popular" in our society. eating disorders and suicide. now really, i suppose i'm not an expert on either subject, i've never even had an eating disorder (although im so damn skinny people have called me anorexic before) and i've never even considered suicide. so i cant really write about what i think in these situations, but ive had friends and known people who struggle with these problems. and they are definately problems. if you don't think they are problems then i just dont understand you. all i can really write about is how other peoples experiences have affected me. first of all, we'll start with suicide. and im going to leave out names, cuz you know, using their names isn't a very nice thing to do is it? we'll i'll use mine, cuz i don't care, but the other people i mean, i wont use their names. *note this story may not be entirely accurate, it was quite a while ago and im going off memory* about a year and a half ago, i was getting sick of the girl i was dating at the time. very very sick. i can honestly say i wanted to break up with her, but i didn't have the guts to do it. so what did i do? i started treating her different. at the time i viewed it as being a complete jackass to her. but thats not what it was at all. i was just acting like myself. through the whole relationship before that point i was someone else. it sucked. anyways, so i started treating her different and she didnt take this well. i figure she knew i wanted to break up with her. fuck, i knew she knew. i told one of my friends my plan and he told her. this girl said she was in love with me and crap like that, so she went suicidal. i dont know exactly what was going on in her head, but as far as i see it, and my friends see it, she wasnt suicidal. she was doing it so i'd feel bad and i wouldnt break up with her. fuck, what can i say. i was weak. i gave in. i guess i felt that if i broke up with her, it would be my fault if she did kill herself, and i couldnt live with that. i felt trapped. so i stayed with her. she did things like slit her wrists and things like that, but not seriously. i remember when she first found out why i was treating her differently she cut herself and then called me at three in the morning. of course i felt bad, but still i broke up with her right there. the next day i went to her house to see how she was doing and to comfort her and things like that. the whole time i was there she was putting on a show about how "mentally-disturbed" she was. it was a load of shit. after a few hours of her bullshit, i gave in. so we went out for a while longer after that. about month and a half after that i believe. things were better for a while, but i still felt trapped in the relationship. and i figure she must have known. it was plain to see. everyone knew. in the first week of school i couldnt stand her shit anymore. i dumped her. again i tried to play the nice-guy and comfort her, but from a distance. i wouldnt go to her house. i'd only talk to her on the phone and see her at school. again she pulled the cutting bullshit. i remember talking to her on the phone and she said that she had cut up her stomach and she asked me not to tell anyone. so i didnt say anything. the first thing the next day i see her in school showing off the cuts on her stomach to people to get their pity, and i suppose to make her look like a victim. i was a victim. anyways, in this whole situation i got to the point that i was just so pissed off with her, i didn't care if she killed herself. i wouldnt blame myself. i'd blame her stupidity. i wouldn't care at all. it would be done and over with. i was tired of her games. i havent talked to her since then. i still hold a grudge. a very large grudge. i may seem very self-centered in this little rant of mine, but im sure if you were in my place you'd feel the same. my advice is, if someone threatens to kill themselves if they cant get what the want, then just ignore them. if they want suicide to be their solution, so be it. now if its something different, such as someone is having serious problems or anything like that, its a completely different story. don't ignore these people. show them that they have your support. be a friend. do your best to help. chances are they'll thank you for it. when a friend is suicidal or has an eating disorder, theres very little you can do. the way i see it is all you can do is throw facts into their face about how it harms their health and what kind of effects their actions will have, and give them emotional support. but it often gets to a point (i find anyways) where they know how terrrible what they're doing is, and they dont want to do it, but they just cant help it. its become a twisted obsession. if you have a friend like this, the way i see it the worst thing you can do is just leave them alone and hope the problem goes away. they need help. they need your support. its not an easy thing to get through. (god i feel like im lecturing now.) sure it may be an awkward subject to talk about with a friend, or maybe they'll get defensive and offended. but an angry friend is better then a dead or suffering friend. i find that eating disorders are always a result of low self esteem, and in every case that i can think of (that somehow impacted me personally) they were female. now i could go into how the media has a warped view of beauty that is cast onto society, but you probably know that shit already. i don't really know, but it seems that after someone goes through something like having an eating disorder, and they get through it, they seem to be much more comfortable with themselves and have a higher self-esteem. i think part of it is knowing that they have friends that will be for them whatever crap they go through. friends that dont care what they look like or what other people think of them. (it sounds lame but its kind of like friendship is a magic cure for bad stuff.) But still, i've never experienced an eating disorder first hand or had suicidal thoughts, and im no expert on the subject. don't quote me on any of this. its just my opinions and my experiences.