SCUMBAG

HESSIAN believes that the office of Student Council President should belong to someone who can accurately represent the student body. HESSIAN likes students body's.

HESSIAN was born May 24, 1981 in Binghamton General Hospital. A whole bunch of stuff happened to him after that, including his brush with death after deciding a door of a match box car would make a good snack. HESSIAN's first political experience occurred when he was in fourth grade at Vestal Hills Elementary School. HESSIAN ran for class representative. He really wanted to help the school. He outlined in his campaign why he would make a good representative, and what he stood for. His oppenent did not. His opponent won. A few years later when HESSIAN was in seventh grade he ran again, this time it was for Student Council President of the Middle School. HESSIAN ran another serious campaign. Why you should vote for him, what he planed to do, how he planed to do it. He lost again. Clearly HESSIAN's methods of campaigning were not working.

Two years later HESSIAN and his trusty advisor, we'll call him the Q man, decided to try a different kind of campaign. Because this had never been tried before, they decided to try it on a mindless, hormonal loser that no one liked, and see if they could get his elected. We'll call him Scott B. The campaign consisted of various poster with S. Beierle's face superimposed on different people with different saying below it; none of which had anything to do with why he should be elected. It worked. A few months later he was impeached, but that's besides the point. The next year it was HESSIAN's turn. Using the same concept as the Scott B campaign, plus a few pies, HESSIAN and Q man whupped a snow leopard's ass with a belt to keep it on the right track. HESSIAN was elected and has done a fine job since then.

HESSIAN now faces his greatest challenge yet. Running against someone who is almost equally qualified to be the Student Council President as he is. It now comes down to who is the bigger man. Who can kick the crap out of Kris Kringle. Who can bust the phatest rhymes. Who can eat more lettuce than the Easter Bunny with a bad case of the munchies. This will be determined Thursday.