Lleyton Hewitt Shatters Australia's Davis Cup Dream
It's All His Fault. Hahahahaha.
Monday, December 11th - Australia woke to the news this morning that her dream of defending the Davis Cup tennis trophy against Spain had been cruelly dashed by 19 year-old annoying brat Lleyton Hewitt.
Perhaps being slightly harsh to the teenager, under immense pressure to win his reverse singles rubber, Australian news outlets dubbed Hewitt a "grand loserino". One newspaper, the Adelaide Advertiser (of Hewitt's hometown) said the defeat was bittersweet - the country has "lost a grand tennis title" but gained "united and unequivocably communal scorn for this new sporting scapegoat".
Hewitt, a hot-headed tennis player of renown, earned himself no friends last summer at a press conference following a match where he attributed heckles he had received to "the stupidity of the Australian sporting public". Despite quickly retracting his comment, the sporting public he blasted finally had a legitimate reason to make him the object of their unbridled scorn; previously having to put up with Hewitt's backwards cap, cocky on-court arrogance and general dislikability.
However, Hewitt regained a semblance of adoration from his home land after several tournament winning performances. Unfortunately, all that work seems to be out the window now.
"He's a tool," said unemployed drifter Ken Greirson, 22, from Sydney. "I never liked the dickhead. Always strutting around, geeing himself up with shouts of "C'mon!" or "Balboa" after winning a point. Now I have a reason to publicly bash his reputation again."
Stockbroker Kyle Manning agrees: "Well, he just ruined it all for us, didn't he? He's the scapegoat that this otherwise heroic defeat needed - and what better player than Lil' Lleyton to dislike?"
Sports Psychologist G. Raymond Howitzer gives the consensus a more polished, professional sheen, citing the Hewitt victory as a "damaging loss, from which he or his team-mates may never recover. Hahaha, you suck Hewitt".
Hewitt and his Davis Cup team-mates now have a short break over Christmas to consider what went wrong. Experts predict that Pat Rafter and Mark Woodforde will egg Hewitt's house within the fortnight.
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