Recently two MindRape contributors braved the slums of Detroit on Devils night to interview the one and only Slymenstra Hymen of GWAR. For those that don't know, Slymenstra Hymen aka Danyell Stampe, is the sole female member of GWAR. And for those of you wondering who or what GWAR is - come on, get a fucking clue. For the non-literate GWAR fans out there (and theirs lots of them), they'll remember Slymenstra as the fire wielding dominatrix on stage, usually with one of the GWAR slaves gibbering between her thighs. In any case, whoever she is, someone interviewed her and gave us this transcript. Also, please note that between questions there are the occasional ramblings of idiot GWAR fanboys hoping to impress Slymenstra with their knowledge of GWAR films...

SLYMY: Our guitar player is currently in the hospital, getting a colostomy bag or some kind of intestinal...

MindRape: Which guitar player?

S: Pete Lee.

MR: Didn't he get shot?

S: Yeah he got shot five years ago and he's still having surgery. That's our lead guitar player, Flattus Maximus. Our bass player Quentin joined 10,000 Maniacs (can anyone confirm this???)!!

MR: Are you serious? What happened with Beefcake?

S: The original recipe.

(Fanboy: ooooooo)

MR: Whatever happened to Kepone?

S: Kepone. We borrowed their guitar player, just for now. They're still together and everything. Beefcakes here, if you wanna talk to him

MR: Yeah I'll try to. (phhht - yeah rite. Beefcake vs Slymenstra. Tough choice)

(Fanboy: For a couple minutes I thought the pit was gonna be really good then I saw it was really weak)

(Slymenstra emits mind numbing laugh)

MR: So whats up with your fear of Canada? You never come up there!

S: It's not a fear of Canada, it's the fear Canada has of GWAR. They're gonna charge us $700 a person to get in the country, and we just can't make that money back.

(Slymenstra proceeds to introduce a super GWAR groupie who claims to own 3000 videos. So open a fuckin video store...)

(Fanboy: Dave (Oderus) was so wasted at that ComicCon, drinkin those Molson Canadians. He was loaded)

S: He sure was. He's not a pretty sight when he's drunk. I've found him with his pants down in the middle of the bus hallway before... 'Come here Dave, it's gonna be alright. Put your pants on Oderus, you're gonna be alright, just get into bed'.

MR: So whats gonna happen with GWAR (wow - good question)

S: Da-da-da. The big question. We're gonna go to Hollywood. I already live there

MR: Didn't you guys have a deal with TROMA or something?

S: No. I don't wanna work with them. I never ever ever ever wanna work with TROMA. GWAR does good work.

MR: Yeah they do. Too bad they have to play with ICP.

S: Well, thats not our decision. Doesn't that suck? In a fair world GWAR would play after a bunch of clowns. A bunch of silly clowns.

(Fanboy restarts foolish rimjobbing banter)

S: GWARs gonna do a bunch of different things. I live in Hollywood now, and I've been networking for a year

MR: You're not in Virginia anymore (Damn! Stalkerdom revealed!)

S: No, I'm working on trying to get backing for a bunch of different projects. And we're working on a screenplay, so thats gonna take a year just to write, you know?

MR: Yeah, whats the idea behind it?

S: The whole GWAR story, do it like a midnight movie. Do you remember Eraserhead? Well when I was a kid, we used to go and see movies at midnight and it was called a midnight movie, and I wanna bring that shit back.

MR: Oh. So, it'll be the whole GWAR story

S: Hopefully, we're just keeping our fingers crossed. And then, we're looking for a cartoon show on Nickelodeon or one of those stations. But we're not gonna do it GWAR, you know? It's gonna be a totally seperate thing. Like DEVO does rugrats.

(Fanboy makes the wonderful suggestion that GWAR make the Toilet Earth cartoon seen in SkulhedFace into a full feature film. For anyone who's seen SkulhedFace, they will be glad to know that Fanboy was mugged and hit with a beer bottle about a half hour later)

S: Cuz that'll maybe like give us jobs so that we can keep doing GWAR.

MR: Do you wanna keep doing GWAR?

S: I kinda do, there are things I still want to do with GWAR. But I don't know if GWAR is gonna continue relentlessly touring for 10 years, like they have been.

(Fanboy interjects: 'Fuck that, Detroit will keep you guys alive.' Based on the recent murder rates and the amount of buildings that were burnt to cinders that night, the last thing Detroit can do is keep something alive)

MR: Was the sexicutioner with you guys here tonight?

S: No. Sleazy P is a born again Christian. He's gonna be in the new movie. And Chuck Varga (the Sexicutioner), is one of the oldest members of GWAR, so he's starting to move on. He's in New York. He was doing quite well. He was living on a boat and then his boat sank. Now we've added into the GWAR myth, that he goes out and is working as a lounge singer on a boat and the boat sinks, and then he comes back as Sigmund the Sexicutioner.

MR: Are you guys still working with the Subgenius foundation?

S: Well, you know, they're friends.

(Fanboy: GWAR shouldn't play with ICP)

S: The reason we did it is that we're trying to break into new markets. A lot of kids that go see ICP would probably like GWAR and so we need to play in front of them so that we can steal their fans. (Slymenstra emits a toe curling laugh).

S: One thing about being on a metal label (Metal Blade) is that thye've only sold us to the metal market. And we really need to break out to all these kids. Cuz you know, skateboarders like us, snowboarding jerks like us, surfers like us - whatever. Every group can be appreciative of GWAR cuz there's nothing else like it.

MR: Are you guys gonna stick with Metal Blade?

S: This is our last album with metal blade (We Kill Everything). And now our fucking careers can begin! (Slymenstra shrieks yet another gender-switching scream).

MR: Are you gonna do it independant?

S: We'll see what we do. Who knows what GWAR is gonna do. I think it'd be nice to do something with Phat Mike at Phat WreckHords.

(Interviewer and Slymy talk incoherent shit about Sepultura. Which evolves into...)

S: Yeah we did Girly Freakshow at his coffee house. We came to LA and he put one of our shows on. It was actually the best one, even though it was in the smallest place.

MR: What's Girly Freakshow?

S: Girly Freakshow is this thing that I do with some girlfriends of mine. We did it for Lollapalooza a couple years ago.

MR: Is it a band or a show or...

S: It was something we did for Lollapalooza and we just kept doing it. We had a circus tent and we did it freakshow style. We'd do it three times a day. It was just weird lighting and twelve girls, all doing freaky shit. And then we ran around the audience doing it, and I was Slymenstra in it. And I sang that jazz song, Dont need a Man.

(Fanboy asks Slymenstra to comment on the costume he's making for his wish-I-was-GWAR band. At this point the interview ends.)