So, you've decided to join the human race? Congratulations! But be warned, there are a lot of responsibilities that come with being a member of the human race. This guide will outline some of those responsibilites by dispelling some of the common myths about how to live as a human being. First however, let us outline the strict code that human beings live by.

Humans, in their best form, live by the following principles. In order to join our race you must also live by these principles...

1. RESPECT: TO TREAT WITH CONSIDERATION, TO REFRAIN FROM VIOLATING

2. CONSIDERATION: TO KEEP IN MIND. TO THINK ABOUT

3. CO-OPERATION: TO WORK TOGETHER

Or, if you'd like to make it simple, human beings work best under the golden rule:

Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

Got it? Good. Now, let's move onto the myths...

Washrooms

1. Do I enter the washroom and shit on the floor? Or is there more to it than that?

I know that it may come as a shock, but human beings do not shit on the floor. During your pre-human visits to the washroom, you may have noticed the big porcelain thingy attached to the wall - well that is where human beings deposit shit, urine and vomit. You may notice that it is designed as a throne - thus designed for human beings to sit on. Make sure you sit on the toilet, do not stand above it, as you will inevitably spray your feces / urine / vomit at the surrounding area. Human beings don't do this

2. Is the washroom a place for sexual gratification?

No! The washroom is not a place for sexual gratification. Although it may seem tempting to roll around on the urine stained washroom floor with a partner, do not! The washroom is a public place and is not designed for two people at once. Also note that if your sexual fulfillment involves only yourself, you still may not do it in the washroom. This is part of the consideration principle. How would you like to need to take a shit while some person is in the washroom cramming the gram? Exactly.

3. After dumping my load into the toilet, may I leave it there for others to witness?

Only a complete fucking bitch would ever do that. No one wants to see, smell or even think about your shit. ALWAYS FLUSH THE TOILET!!!

4. Why would I ever need to wash my hands?

The reasons are countless. If you deposit feces into the toilet, then you must wipe the feces from your asshole before you leave. In order to keep flakes of fecal matter from staying on your hands, you must wash them and thereby expunge the filth. The same applies for urine and vomit. Furthermore, you should understand that after you vomit, you should brush your teeth.

5. Do I share communal toothbrushes with my housemates?

No unfortunately, most people refrain from permitting someone else to use their toothbrushes. This is simply due to the hygenic issue of bacteria collecting on a toothbrush and so forth.

6. While in a shower, may I masturbate, shit, piss or vomit?

Although the shower might resemble a big toilet, it is not used for the same purposes. The shower is for cleaning yourself. Do not deposit anything in the shower other than the dirt you scrub from your body. If you urinate in the shower, people will know and they will talk behind your back. If you shit in the shower then you are a complete fucking animal. If you masturbate in the shower then you are a filthy filthy filthy pervert. And if you vomit in the shower then you are retarded.

7. What do most people think of me using their soap?

Soap is generally considered a personal thing. People do not appreciate others using their soap, their facewash, or anything of theirs that has something to do with hygene (although toothpaste and shampoo can be an exception if you have the persons consent).

1. When in the kitchen can I use other peoples dishes?

Some might say that this conflicts with the last question in the bathroom topic, but most people will not mind if you borrow their dishes. Understand, however, that borrow is the operative word and that in using their dishes you make an agreement to wash and put back the dishes once you are finished with them. Human beings do not leave dishes out.

2. What is involved in washing a dish?

An excellent question. Some believe that washing a dish involves dunking it in the toilet 3 times. Others have the misconception that a washed dish is one that has sat in sewage for a few minutes. Although they might seem reasonable to some, neither of these definitions are true. A washed dish, in human terms, is a dish which has been cleaned thoroughly under fresh, clean, hot tap water & dishsoap. Furthermore, all humans know that a dish is only fully washed after it has been returned to the state it was in when it first left the cupboard.

3. Is it a big deal to leave dishes unwashed for a few days?

Yes, it is a big deal. People who do this are not people. THEY ARE TRASH. They do not understand that they are breeding germs, as they are germs themselves. They do not understand that they are breeding filth, because they are filth themselves. People who do this are not human beings, they are sister-marrying trash.

4. Is the kitchen a place for sexual gratification?

No. Like the washroom, the kitchen is not a place for sexual gratification. Since their is a lot of food in the kitchen, one wants to minimize the amount of dirt in the kitchen. And unfortunately, semen and vaginal cum is generally considered unclean. How would you feel if you were making a burger and you accidentaly placed it in a path of jizz? Would you still eat it. No self respecting human would.

5. What's the difference if I leave my food on the counter or in the fridge?

The difference is you are a fucking pig if you leave it on the counter. It reflects on your inability to follow the basic principles of humanity. Furthermore, it shows that you have inadequate genitalia and this is your way of making up for it; by becoming a filthy little bitch.

1. Must I keep my room clean?

If you live in a room by yourself then it isn't important for you to do that. Although it will increase your level of humanity if you do keep it clean, it is not necessary. However, if you live with a roomate then it is absolutely necessary to keep your room clean, as it is not just your room.

2. Should I wash my sheets?

YES! This is a major part of being a human being that is often overlooked. Understand that while you are in your bed, you probably fart a lot, sweat a lot, cum a lot and do all kinds of other things. Eventually all this shit sinks into the sheets and STINKS UP THE ROOM. The only way that this can be avoided is if you clean your fucking sheets. Christ...

3. My room, my business?

To a degree this is true. If you decide that you want to experiment with anal plugs in your room, so be it. However, what you do in your room, must not interfere with the people outside of your room. You cannot decide to start a pile of greenish-black feces, as the stench will inevitably kill your housemates. Consider the feelings of your housemates.

4. Can I bring other people into my bed?

Sure, no one gives a fuck. But again, make sure those sheets are nice and clean you filthy piece of bitch.

1. If I'm drunk, can I fuck who I like?

No. Just because you are reduced to an animal-like state, you may not opt out of your responsibilities as a human being. Obviously, most people will be fairly lax and will not hassel you when you are drunk. However you may not copulate with the anyone at anytime unless you have their consent.

2. When I am drunk, will people want to see my genitalia?

Suprisingly enough, people do not want to see your genitalia when you are drunk, any moreso than they do when you are sober. Although the urge may be strong to flash your gam to some innocent passerby, don't! They don't wanna see it.

3. If I do shit when I'm drunk am I reponsible the next day?

I'll give you one fucking guess. Anyone who asks this question is dum suckah.

4. If I am having a good time in the middle of the night should I let everyone else know by screaming and yelling?

No. The urge to tell people about good times is strong. However, human beings must fight this urge and recognize that people who are asleep are having a much better time. Alcohol and drugs do not compare to dreams. They will not be impressed by your 'cool party' and will inevitably think that you are a goat reaming glib wiggler who needs their quim gashed.

5. Am I welcome at all parties?

Yeah, cuz you're so fucking cool everyone always wants you around.