February 25, 2000
Wishing every phone call was you. Wishing every visitor was too.
Hoping for a word. Hoping for a change of a closed heart. Hearing
a hollow emptiness in your voice echoing in my anxious ears. Knowing
this is all too familiar. Feeling the heaviness of my heart. Wiping
the desparate tears. Trying not to beg. Wanting to scream
for you to stop this. Wanting you not to go. Realizing that this
is what you want. Realizing that I have to accept. Knowing that when
you come to your senses, it will be too late. Hating to see you close
the door, making it impossible for me to ever let you back in. Hoping that
she is worth us. Facing reality. Feeling so slaughtered. Wondering
how I could do this to myself again. Understanding the time and tears
it takes to heal. Hurting. Hurting. Hurting. Wanting
just to die and be done. Being too respsonsible to ever do such a
thing. Hating the fact that being responsible is why I'm in this
position. Trying to stay busy. Willing myself not to think.
Learning to let it go. Passing off minutes, hours and days.
Putting weeks inbetween us. Stretching them to months. Setting
goals. Finding reasons to smile again. Being able to go places we've
been and not falling apart. Finding it's been a month or two more.
Seeing my accomplishments. Feeling my personal growth. Knowing
the suffering has honed me. Feeling strong. Looking damn
fine. Learning. Growing. Being. Loving again.
I am a Phoenix...for the second time. I won't go near that fire
again.