April 3, 1999
Let's go to Walmart on a Saturday. I hate crowds, so this sounds
like hell to me. But I recently read a hilarious list of 101 things
you can do at Walmart. So even though it was SNOWING and miserable
I went to Walmart with a new attitude. I decided this was gonna be
pure entertainment. Perhaps I am easily amused, but I laughed my
butt off. To do this successfully you have to have a partner or partners
in crime. If you are all there to be entertained, it's great.
So we got us a cart and began cruising all the aisles with folks getting
last minute Easter products and brake fluid. We'd picked aisles that
were congested with fat ladies in double knit pants and three snot nosed
kids hangin on to their cart. We'd walk through the arts and crafts
aisle and see all the women loading up on the goods made in Taiwan so they
could make country crafts. We marveled at the yards of Precious Moments
fabric being cut to make last minute Easter penifores for church.
When we'd pass by some poor husband of one of the fat ladies, it never
failed he usually uttered "this place is a fetchin' zoo." We agreed!
Time to feed the animals! So we went over to McWalmart for some fries and
to watch the big hairs walk by the cosmetic supply aisle. What fun.
We balanced fries on Ronald's plastic hands. That plastic clown scares
the huggies off some of those Walmart kids. Yet mothers insist on
making sure the terrified kid KNOWS it's not real. The kid must have
been watching Stephen King movies 'cause mom sure hadn't. Every few
minutes the loud speaker would come on. "Jimmie and Cooter, your
party is waiting at the sporting goods aisle." "Bobby Joe Baker,
your wife's boyfriend's son is on the phone at the customer service booth."
"Momma, you are wanted in the hair salon." But the best one was when
they announced that a Red Ford Pickup had it's lights on in the parking
lot. All the men used this as an excuse to run outside and smoke.
Several were still holding their wives' purses too. The wives were
trying on those cute skirts from the Kathy Smith Collection. She
was a Charlie's Angel, ya know.
No matter where you go in this country...you will see the very same
folks at the local Walmart. That's sorta comforting.