15. "I swear to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But first, a few words from my husband..."
14. "Okay, I shagged her. I shagged her rotten, baby!"
13. "Immediately after my speech, you are all cordially invited to come up here and kiss my pasty white ass."
12. "Members of Congress, I feel you're a pain."
11. "Are you impeaching' me? Are you impeaching' me? You gotta be impeaching' me cuz I'm the only President stand-in' here."
10. "I don't think anyone can deny that this past year has made a vas deference in the face of politics.."
9. "Any of y'all got that Gwyneth Paltrow gal's phone number?"
8. "This meeting of The Duplicitous Serial Adulterers Group will now come to order. Ha, ha! Just kidding, people."
7. "Look at it, people! Take a good look! You got a tool like this, you use it -- know what I'm sayin'?"
6. "Acquit me, or the stock market gets it."
5. "I have not had sexual relations with anyone in this chamber. But seriously, folks..."
4. "(Psssst! Al! Fourth row, third from the left -- you can see right up her skirt!)"
3. "First, I'd like to introduce my new Attorney General, Alec Baldwin."
2. "Whoa! I've been sleepwalking the last three years! I hope I didn't do anything embarrassing!"
And Top 5's Number 1 Rejected State of the
Union Speech Opening Line...
1. "I'm not under oath, am I?"
LETTER TO JOHN HINCKLEY
Mr. John Hinkley
St. Elizabeth Hospital
Washington, D.C.
Dear John,
Hillary and I wanted to drop you a short note to tell you how pleased we are with the great strides you are making in your recovery. In our country's new spirit of understanding and forgiveness we want you to know there is a bilateral consensus of compassion and forgiveness Abroad throughout the land. Hillary and I want you to know that no grudge is held against you for shooting President Reagan. We, above all, are aware of how the mental stress and pain could have driven you to such an act of desperation. Hillary and I are confident that you will soon make a complete recovery and return to your family to join the world again as a healthy and productive young man.
Best wishes,
Bill Clinton
P.S. Ken Starr is f***ing Jodie Foster.
And That's The Truth!
A man takes the day off work and decides to
go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a
frog sitting next to the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is about
to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't
see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and
decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He
says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog,
eh? The frog reply's, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?," the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas."
They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful". The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
"And that, your honor is how that young girl
got there and that is the truth if my name isn't William Jefferson Clinton!"