There are a few celebrities that will not be swapping Valentines or spit this February 14th.  Since they are in the public domain, they are free game for pot shots.  Let’s take aim, shall we?

Mick Jagger and Jeri Hall

The final tear in this relationship that has more patches than grandma’s quilt, has finally occurred!  It seems that a Brazilian model who is 29, is pregnant with Mick’s baby.  Mick by the way is 55. Jeri, humiliated and blonde, left the human cadaver and got herself a lawyer. In fact, he is the very same lawyer that represented Princess Di in her divorce from Prince Ugly Puss. She is suing his butt for $50 million!  Mick is countering by declaring that their 10 year marriage was a sham.  It was just a bit of play acting while on vacation!

Oh please Jeri, wake up and smell the coffee.  Look at every picture taken of you and Mick in the last 15 years.  His body language screams "Oh man here I am with the Ole Ball and Chain."  You have tried long enough girl.  Time to move on! With your sultry Texan drawl and those long legs, you will be okay sister.

Mick, no one can blame you for trying to dilute your ugly gene pool by breeding with models, but like the TV show says, Eight is Enough Already!  Jeri has tried to make a home for you for nearly 15 years.  You think that having four babies with her is not marriage?  Come on.  Do the right thing Mick.  Pay the girl the money for hanging in there all these years.  Try to be a father to all these humans you have sired.  Finally, do the world a favor and have the baby pipe line fixed permanently.  It’s just a snip away, snip away, snip away.

Bruce Willis and Demi Moore

Who said it wouldn’t last?  If you printed it, they sued you.  Tabloid after tabloid met the Willis’ in court for printing that the marriage was on the rocks.  After all the checks had cleared the bank, Bruce and Demi, laughing all the way home, announced that they were indeed getting a divorce.  You gotta love their style!

Bruce has done all right in the movie business making action pictures.  Demi has had a few box office flops, but she has gotten lots of exposure on magazine covers.   Some where along the way irreconcilable differences developed.  They think they got problems now?  Just wait until their three kids, Rumor, Scout and Diaphragm want to get even for their names.

Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston

The Diva and the Dud.  That describes this mismatch.  But for some reason the Diva puts up with this LOSER.  Let us see.  Is he in jail or court this week?  Was Whitney wearing those dark shades and heavy makeup again at the supermarket?  Get the bull horn.  Time for this sister wake up.

Whitney girlfriend!  It is time to run for the exit!  Get that precious baby and go home to momma.  He’s gonna ask for alimony.  He doesn’t deserve it.  But just shake this mess off your shoes and write out a check.  You don’t need his kind of trouble.

Mr. Houston, you need to grow up.  You think you are some kind of  star?  Well honey you are nothing but a one hit wonder.  You are just a hanger-onner  riding Whitney’s sequined coat tails.  Sure you gave her a baby to make sure you had a permanent ‘in’ with her.  But to stoop to naming that cute little girl after yourself?  Sheesh!  Mr. Big Britches, quit frequenting the bars and picking fights.  Get a real job.  Sanitation worker is a good place to start.

You can read this article in the February Issue of BYTCH BYTES.