WATER SPOTS, WATER SPOTS, EVERYWHERE

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I may not know a lot about home repair, but I do know this much – when enormous water spots begin appearing in your hallway ceiling, it’s time to go up in the attic and look around with a very concerned look on your face.

And then it’s probably time to call someone who can do more than just look around.

I first noticed the spots about a week ago. Well, actually, my wife noticed them. She always notices those things, whereas they have to be pointed out to me. We could have a Buick parked in our den and I wouldn’t notice it, so long as it wasn’t blocking my view of the television.

My wife and I decided that we would “keep an eye on ‘em,” which is homeowner-speak for “hope they go away on their own.” After a few days of keeping our eyes on the spots, we noticed that they had invited friends, and now had a large section of the ceiling covered.

Once the spots began to grow at a pretty good clip, I put on my concerned scowl and climbed into the attic. I went up there hoping to find something really obvious, such as a gaping hole in the roof. (“Honey, has this meteor always been here?”) Turns out, there was nothing obvious at all, although short of the gaping hole or an overturned Culligan unit, I can’t say that anything would have been too obvious.  I looked for a minute more, when it occurred to me – it is roughly 28,000 degrees in my attic. I do not know why we bother with an oven. We could cook a roast in about five minutes up there.

I descended from the attic, still looking concerned, and informed my wife that I was pretty sure we had a problem with the air conditioner. The reason that I decided this was that the air conditioner was the only thing up in the attic that I could positively identify, and I was pretty sure that it produced or used water, or somehow on occasion came into contact with it, so it seemed like a pretty safe guess.

So the next day, I decided to call my home warranty company. The way that they operate is they ask you a series of questions, and determine whether yours is an emergency. Here’s a little tip for all you out there: always play the kid card. Any time you need work done (and especially when your home warranty is paying the bill), always mention your young child. Even if you don’t have one. I told them that there was a leak on the ceiling, and that I thought it was coming from the air conditioner. “Boy, I sure hope the air conditioner isn’t about to go. For one thing, I’ve got a child. A small, helpless child who must have the temperature maintained at a moderate 76 degrees for survival. She is but a small child…” Home warranty people are suckers for kids.

In short order, a repairman was on his way. He climbed up into the attic and took a look around. I let him explore the attic by himself, because I figured he was getting paid to get sweaty. He came down a little while later and told me that the condenser tube was clogged. Or the compression tube. Or the condensation tube. Or maybe it was crimped. I don’t know. It was some kind of tube, and it wasn’t doing something right. Short story – it made a leak.

He told me that he was going to have to “blast the line clear,” and proceeded to ascend into my attic carrying what sure looked like a propane tank. Now, I was willing to give him the benefit of the doubt that he knew what he was doing. But you can be sure that I was about 200 yards away from the house just on the off chance that he was just looking for a newsworthy way to go out.

Apparently, whatever he did up there worked, because a big spew of nasty dirt and mud and grime came splashing out of a pipe on the side of my house. This was supposed to happen, I was told. Now the line was clear, and the air conditioner could drain fine, and the leaks would be no more. Easy enough.

I sent the gentleman on his way with the modest home warranty service fee, and he never even checked to see if I had a child, which should make you quite confident to use the kid card even if the closest you have come to being a parent is when you pet-sat your college roommate’s snake for a weekend.

The water spots are now drying up, and I believe the problem is behind us. We can now live in confidence knowing that our air conditioner is chugging along like a charm, and our ceiling is no longer a gathering place for wayward water. It’s nice to see everything come in to place at my house. I feel like everythi…hey! Who parked this Buick here?