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LET US GIVE THANKS

Well, that time is once again upon us – the halfway point of the Federally Mandated three-month Christmas holiday season The decorations have been up in stores for roughly six weeks, so you know what that means – it means that my family and friends have again had to endure six weeks of my complaining about it.

But it also means it’s Thanksgiving, the halftime of the Christmas season. And, because I’ve got nothing better to write about today, I figured I’d share with you my usual list of things I am thankful for this year.

I am thankful for my daughter, who still thinks I’m the coolest person ever, even though I know that, in a few years, she’ll think I’m about as cool a third eye.

I’m thankful for my wife, who every morning recounts how I kept her awake most of the night with my snoring and teeth-gritting, yet has not once hit me in the head with a skillet while I slept.

I am thankful for my neighbors, who keep a close eye on things in the neighborhood, but not a Gladys Kravitz-type close eye. Just close enough to let you know when your dog or child is in their yard digging up flowers.

I am thankful for the Harry Potter books, because they give children a reason to read and adults with a fear of a hearty imagination a reason to complain. (That’s right, the gauntlet has been cast. I have enough faith in my faith that a fantasy book won’t compromise it. Bring it on.)

I am thankful for reality shows and primetime game shows, not because I like them, so much, but because they have created a buyer’s market for Hollywood writers, making prime-time television watchable again, with the obvious exception of everything Dharma and Greg.

I am thankful for vegetarians, because they ensure that there is enough delicious beef left for me.

I am thankful that we live in a country free enough that people are allowed to have a book burning.

I am thankful that we live in a country where a grand total of zero books are burned at said book burning.

I am thankful for senior women who are not ashamed of their vitality or their bodies, and who think there’s nothing wrong with having some fun.

I am thankful no one is looking to do the same thing with senior men, because, let’s face it – that’s just wrong.

I am thankful for my dogs, who, upon their escapes from my yard, stick together, making it easier for good citizens to round them up at one time.