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It has become cliché to dislike telemarketers. In fact, in a recent survey, telemarketers were ranked behind Josef Stalin in popularity, mainly because Stalin never calls during dinner trying to sell you magazines.

There are a lot of ways to deal with telemarketers. Most of them, however, are the wrong ways to approach things. How do I know, you ask? Well, Mike has a little confession to make. When I was in college, I worked at a telemarketing call center.

Because I was in college, my options were limited. I could either (a) give blood routinely or (b) work as a telemarketer. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, "Hey, Mike, why not work at a grocery store or a restaurant or something?" Well, the answer is simple: college students have all of the intelligence of canned tuna. Clearly, if I had been smart then, I wouldn’t have needed college.

So a bunch of my fraternity brothers and I worked at this place. It was situated in a strip mall next to a Chinese grocery store. You may not think much of this, but keep in mind I went to school at the University of Alabama. Not exactly the Mecca of Chinese delicacies.

During my tenure as a professional telephone harasser, I learned quite a few things about dealing with telemarketers. And the cardinal rule of dealing with the calls: don’t get nasty with the people.

Now, you may think that I am going to go off on one of those "Be nice to your neighbor" rants. Well, you obviously don’t know me very well. I enjoy doling out a well-deserved tongue lashing as much as the next guy. But there is a really good reason why people who are nasty on the phone get constant calls from telemarketers: because they go on the red list.

Whenever someone is nasty (profanities a plus!) to a caller, we would add that person’s name to a list we called the red list. Then, when someone new started at the company, we would give them the red list to call first. We knew the people on that list would scream a hole through the rookie’s ear, and we could sit back and enjoy the terror on the person’s face. Juvenile? You bet. Rude? Absolutely. Entertaining? Yessireebob.

Now, before you start getting on to me for what we did, do keep in mind that we were in college. And I was working with a bunch of my fraternity brothers. You can’t exactly expect us to split atoms when we get together. We’re lucky if we can go two minutes without making a reference to a bodily function.

So, you may be wondering, whatever can I do to stop telemarketers from calling, if I can’t call them names normally suited for a Chris Rock stand-up special? Well, the truth is, there is a quick and easy way. I may not get invited to the Telemarketers Alumni Convention for sharing this with you, but one of the most effective ways is to simply say, "I’m sorry, but I don’t do business over the telephone." If you do that, you’re no fun and no use, so you pretty much get removed from future calling lists. I employ this technique, and I only get a sales call about once every four months.

However, if you still want to have a little bit of fun, I suggest you adopt the method that has proved 100% effective by father. (Yes, technically he has tried it one time and it worked, but that still comes out to 100%. I think.)

When my father received a call from a telemarketer recently, he listened long enough to determine that it was a sales call, and then, in what is probably the worst impression ever of a computer–synthesized voice, said, "This is a computer. This is a computer." And what did our gifted young caller say? "Oh, I’m sorry." And he hung up.

Simple as that, my dad was off of the phone, and had discovered a way not only to get telemarketers off the line, but have a little fun at someone else’s expense. I suggest expanding it beyond just stating you are a computer. Perhaps add, "This is the automated missile launch system. Voice recognition completed. Launching missiles to…Nebraska."

Hopefully, at some point down the road, the young man realized, "Man, I just apologized to a freaking computer. I am such an idiot. I need to finish college fast."