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SUPER BOWL PARTY, PARTY, PARTY

In case you haven’t heard, the Super Bowl is fast approaching.

And, despite recent events, we as Americans have proudly digressed back to our old ways, and will devote all available energy to this, giving it a level of importance normally reserved for births or getting to a tee-time.

Yes, for many, the Super Bowl is not just a football game, but a reason to come in late to work with a splitting headache on Monday. (True story: I actually heard someone say, “I don’t see what the big deal is. It’s just a game.” Have you ever heard such lunacy?) And, because you’re a giving kind of person, you are undoubtedly going to host a Super Bowl party. So, as a service to you, I thought I would help impart some helpful tips that can make your Super Bowl party one to remember. Or, one that you won’t remember, if that’s your preference.

We all know the basics – have plenty of seats available, have an actual working television, and do not invite Ray Lewis. But here are a few other tidbits that will ensure your Super Bowl party is one that people talk about for years to come, perhaps in depositions.

1. I know we have already discussed the television. But what few people think of are back-up televisions. You see, when you invite your buddies over to watch the game, many of them invariably bring significant others, and those significant others often don’t understand the importance of this football game. So make sure a TV is set up in another room so that they can go watch Lifetime or something. This is also helpful at halftime, so the few people who actually want to see the halftime show can be sequestered in a back room, while the real football fans watch William Perry box.

2. Now, onto gambling. I don’t think I have ever been to a Super Bowl party where someone has successfully rounded up enough bucks to fill in a 100-square point board. So scrap that old has-been. Stick with side bets, such as how long it will take for John Madden to say a word that is not, technically, a word. (“He just said ‘Kablitz!’ You owe me $10!”)

3. If you plan on grilling out for the game, for the love of all things Lombardi, do it several hours before the game. The saddest sight in the world is the lone grill chef, trying to peer through a window at the game while some neglected burgers catch fire behind him. Nobody wins in that situation. Plus, if you go ahead and eat several pounds of beef, pork and chicken well before the game, you should be geared up for a few more points of chips and the like during the game. It’s all about preparation.

4. If someone who is a lifelong fan of the Patriots or Rams is in attendance, it is a written rule that anyone who doesn’t really care who wins must instantly become a huge, obnoxious fan of the other team.

5. Every time a penalty flag is thrown, scream, “CHEATERS!!!” as loud as you can. See how long you can do this until someone tells you to stop. My record is four.

6. If you have a rowdy group, I have one word for you: plexiglass. Secure some heavy duty plexiglass in front of your TV, and your friends can now wing empty bottles as they see fit. It’s all about looking out for your guests. Bad call? Bottle. Interception? Bottle. Big-headed friend blocking a view? Uh, you’ll have to make your own decision there.

7. Make a house rule: Anyone who tries to talk about anything that is (a) serious or (b) not sports related has to go to the Lifetime room. This is the Super Bowl, not Crossfire.

8. In the event that the game is a blow-out, leaving early is not an option. No, in fact, leaving early from a Super Bowl, even a Bills-Cowboys one, is dangerous, and should only be done by people who are, at that moment, in labor. And then only when their far along in labor. This is the Super Bowl, people. Stay focused.

Well, I hope this gives you a good foundation for what will make your party adhere to all internationally mandated Super Bowl party laws. Stick with me, and it will all work out for you. By the way, as for “Kablitz,” I say end of the first quarter.