THE LAWNMOWER’S GUIDE TO SPRINKLER DISASSEMBLY

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Here’s a little tip for all you folks who like to work in the yard: when mowing, try not to mow over a raised sprinkler head.

You’d think this would be common sense, but seeing as how I have now done it twice, obviously it needs to be said. Or, obviously I am an idiot. You decide.

The first time was only a minor catastrophe. I thought I had more clearance with the mower blade and upended a sprinkler head. Honest mistake. This was easily remedied, however, because I needed only to buy a replacement part and screw it back in.

But the most recent time was by far some of my finest work. It happened at our new house. When we moved in, the lawn was in dire need of a trim, so I decided that the inaugural mowing session was well in order.

The grass was pretty high, so I couldn’t see much of anything below me. Not that I was looking. One of the things my father taught me as a child is that a mower is not there just to mow grass. No, sir, a mower can take out leaves, sticks, branches, yard gnomes, whatever is in the way. The mower will take it out. Or it’s not a good mower. So when I mow, I don’t waste time checking for foreign debris in the yard (such as fallen limbs or stray pets). I just mow. Mow, mow, mow your yard.

So I was making my maiden voyage around the yard, I heard the distinctive grind and clunk that I normally associate with a big branch getting ground up in the mower blades. Then I saw a chunk of black plastic shoot out the side of the mower at about 120 mph and land in my neighbor’s yard.

I was fairly certain that this was not standard collateral yard damage. I stopped the mower and began to walk to the piece of debris. As I walked towards it, I noticed that there were all kinds of pieces of plastic and metal between my mower and the big chunk. It was like Hansel and Gretel had left a shrapnel trail.

As I collected all of the pieces, I deduced that I had rather violently disassembled a sprinkler head. (The geyser of water behind me also helped clue me in.) I assumed that I would be able to get a replacement part just like before, and I would not have to learn an actual lesson. Turns out school was in session, and I was about to start my learnin’ session.

I took the sprinkler carnage to a home improvement store and went to their sprinkler section. Most of these stores have experts who work there, which is, in theory, a great idea. The problem is that while you may be talking to an actual trained plumber who actually knows how to fix things, you, the customer, are still as smart as a coffee table when it comes to doing these things, so you end up trying to follow the expert advice, when, in reality, only experts should be following the advice, not some mechanically challenged customer who snickers every time someone says "flange." (Editor’s note: Flange. Hehehehe.)

Apparently, I had done some serious damage deep below the surface. I had not just smashed the sprinkler head, but also all of its connection friends. So here’s what the expert finally told me: "You need to back the riser out and get a new t-thread in there." I had no idea what he meant by that, but he made it seem so simple that I just grabbed a couple of random parts and ran. I was afraid that if I stayed there longer he would give me more helpful hints and have me digging up the yard.

I went back home and did what I always do during home improvement projects, which is stare at the project and hope that magical instructions will appear. Alas, they never do.

After having stared for a good three minutes, I decided to go back to a different home improvement store. Again, I took all of my parts with me, along with all of the new parts I had purchased. I had been at the store being preached to from the Gospel of Plumbing for about 20 minutes when another trained expert came and peered over my shoulder and said, "You know, all you need is a little piece of that pipe right there on that shelf. That’ll fix you up right away." Plain, simple directions, and in identifiable English. I am fairly sure that is a violation of some Experts Code of Ethics, and he was summarily dismissed.

When I got home, I did as he instructed and, sure enough, everything fell into place. I fired up the sprinkler system, and it worked like a charm.