IT’S A BIRD! IT’S A PLANE! IT’S SUPERBABY!

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Don’t you hate it when parents start bragging about how smart their children are? Yeah, me too.

That’s why today I’m not going to simply brag about what a smart child my daughter is. I will actually prove it. That’s right – this isn’t standard braggart talk. This is bona-fide proof that my eight-month old daughter is, without a doubt, one of the two or three smartest babies ever. Why, it’s practically science.

Think this is standard parent talk? Think this is the usual "Oooh, little Mary can do calculus and she’s not even born yet"? Oh, no. Trust me on this – my daughter is so bright, she thinks little Mary belongs in a remedial math class. Doubt me? Well take the following into consideration:

1. My daughter waves. At everyone. And everything. She is so smart that she has gained a higher sense of awareness, and sees the spiritual existence of all things which, clearly, is why she often waves at the refrigerator. Or a door. Or a tree. Or air.
2. She can do a dead-on King Kong impression. She will stand in her crib, grab the bars, and shake back and forth, like a little caged ape. It doesn’t take a pediatrician to know that only the most gifted children do impressions at this early of an age. I am encouraging her to learn a dead-on Dick Cheney impression, because that would really raise her act to a new level.
3. She has seven teeth. You may not think this a big deal, but everyone keeps remarking that she seems to have an awful lot of teeth for someone her age. Clearly, there must be some correlation. Of this you can be certain: there is no way that you can definitively prove to me that my daughter does not indeed possess superior intellect because of the fact that she does have the aforementioned seven teeth. Or something like that.
4. She can complete 50% of the diaper changing process. She has absolutely mastered the part of removing a diaper, even when it’s extra heavy. Until a year ago, I could maybe have located where the diaper was on a child, but would have had little success removing it. She’s ahead of me by 27 years on this one.
5. She successfully invaded Canada. Now, before you get on to me and start saying, "Canada? My cat Rusty could successfully invade Canada, and he died last June!" let me remind you – she can barely crawl, and it was, from a military standpoint, sheer strategic brilliance (she air-dropped beer during a hockey game; everyone was caught off guard).
6. OK, so she has yet to invade any countries, Canada or otherwise, but I am fairly sure that, were I to play Risk with her, she would eat many parts of the game.
7. If you hide her favorite ball under a towel, she will, without hesitation, throw the towel to the side to get to the ball. Only 50% of the dogs in my household can perform the same feat. Come to think of it, that’s not so much proof that my daughter is smart as it is proof that half of dog citizenry at my house is not.
8. She stores food for the future. Most children just gobble up whatever is in front of them. Not my little Einsteinette. Throw a handful of Cheerios in front of her and she will eat a few, and cleverly hide the rest down her shirt, under her chin, or even in her ear. If we gave her enough Cheerios and enough time, she would eventually construct a Cheerio shell. That’s forward thinking.
9. She knows that Clark Kent is Superman. I know you’re wondering how I know she knows this. Simple: If anyone wearing glasses holds her, she will rip the glasses off the person’s face (and sometimes throw them onto the ground, just for a little oomph). It is so obvious that she is making sure there are no secret superheroes running around. Brilliant!
10. She thinks I am the funniest guy on the planet. For some reason, she thinks most everything I do is just outstanding from a comedy standpoint. If that doesn’t show genius, then I don’t know what does.

I think my list more than demonstrates the brilliance that is my daughter. As the months progress, she will, no doubt, harness more intellect and grow smarter by the day. There really is no end to the things she may learn. Who knows, one day she may be a groundbreaking medical researcher and solve all of the world’s health woes. And maybe even bring Rusty back.

E-mail me at mwg1234@yahoo.com.