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TIME TO GET SIRIUS

There will be a time in the future when I sit down with my grandchildren and tell them that when I was a little boy, I could not get breaking news from New Zealand Radio. And they will gasp at the primitive ways of my youth.

Yes, I can find out about the latest goings-on of the prime minister of Papua New Guinea, thanks to the magic of satellite radio. Granted, I don’t even have a clue where Papua New Guinea is, so there’s not really any point of listening to those stations, but that’s not the point. I don’t watch C-SPAN2, but I’ll flip out if someone tries to take it off my cable lineup.

The Sirius radio was a gift from my in-laws. For those of you not familiar with satellite, it works on this premise: You turn it on, and music comes out of your radio. Only lots more music. And better music. And gobs of talk radio. There is a satellite involved somehow, but let’s be honest here. I’m not exactly Edwin Hubble.All I know is there a little box about the size of a very thick Pop-tart. It plugs into your car lighter, and there is a big spoon-shaped antenna. You turn your car radio to a particular FM dial and voila — you suddenly have access to an all Elvis station.

Of course, for me, it was not as plug-and-play as they advertised. Granted, I am an idiot. I followed the directions, so I thought, and couldn’t get it to turn on. I told my father-in-law that it was broken, and I was going to have to return it. Blown fuse, I told him. “What?” he said. I could tell by his tone that I had no clue what I was talking about.

Before heading off to replace it, he asked to take a look at it. Turns out, you have to have the power cord plugged into the correct hole, rather than the one for headphones. Granted, I think it completely reasonable to expect companies not to make it so the power cord fits in the earphone slot. Not all of us are, well, competent.

So once I got it working, I was ready to dive into a Sirius experience. There are two main types of satellite radio that I know of, Sirius and XM. While I didn’t have a hand in choosing the brand, I am glad for the Sirius selection. For one thing, Sirius carries all NFL games. For another thing, XM has a show called “Sit and Spin with John Tesh.” I am sure there are some fine programs on XM, but the idea of being holed up in a car with John Tesh, forced to listen to his choice of music — quite frankly, it scares me.

The more I explored the new radio dial, the more amazed I was at the world before me. There are 145 stations at my disposal, about half of which are music. But unlike normal FM music stations, this music was...oh, what’s the word...oh, I know — good. Rather than the inane, repetitive canned garbage that clogs the FM dial, this played actual good, diverse music. I can visit classic vinyl and listen to the Lynyrd Skynyrd’s live version of “Free Bird.” I can flip over the Big ’80s station and get Wang Chung’s “Dance Hall Days.” ’60s Vibrations? Three Dog Night’s One. And the list goes on. From reggae to blues to country to jam bands, there is pretty much any kind of music you would want, unless it’s lame , repetitive music, for which you have to tune back over to the FM dial.

But it’s not just the tunes. The talk is outstanding. Sure, there are a few political channels, both leaning so far to the extreme they are nearly horizontal. Toggle between two of them and you will learn that either (a) The rule of presidential term limits should be removed, and Bush routinely cures the sick with a healing look or (b) Bush was the one who pushed you down in third grade, and he also killed your dog.

However, I am not always in the mood for political talk that makes me very, very frightened. That’s where the rest of the stations come in. In one drive to work, I listed to the NFL network, something on Court TV, a nice piece on E! about Matt Damon’s rise to success, and just for kicks, some Don Rickles on the comedy channel. Don Rickles, my friend. Find THAT on your radio dial.

So I have to say that Sirius is the single greatest invention ever, and its inventor should receive the Nobel Peace Prize. I am confident that the world over will soon embrace the magic of satellite radio. I can’t wait to hear what the good folks of Papua New Guinea think about it.