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HEALING A SICK FAMILY

Hey, ever wondered how you can quickly become the most unpopular person in your household?

Well, there’s a simple recipe. Take two sick children. Add one sick wife. Throw in a dash of “Man, it’s a pain dealing with sick people. I can’t wait to get to work.” You will find that sick people (a) do not have a very good sense of humor and (b) do have very good aim.

I knew that the family was getting sick a couple of days ago when the Alliemeter went off. Our daughter, Allie, is like a wellness barometer. Her behavior is directly proportionate to how she feels. She will send off major league warning signals a day or so before she gets sick.

So, when she sprawled on the floor of a grocery store screaming, “I DON’T WANT YOU TO BUY CEREAL!!!” we knew we were approaching sick time. Apparently, this is quite common with 3-year-olds. Despite the ability to articulate pain, discomfort or generally not feeling well, they would rather act out their symptoms by, say, painting their brother with Crayons.

Parker, being only nine-months old, also has a system to notify us that he is sick. Namely, he refuses to be put down for any reason whatsoever. Normally, Parker is pretty laid back, and is quite content just hanging out, playing with his toys and checking out the Crayon drawings on his arm. But when he starts to get sick, he only wants to be held, and make the most pathetic whimper if you even consider putting him down. If you so much as stroll near his crib when he is in that mode, he clings to you like static electricity and tries to climb over your shoulder.

Granted, as soon as you make one move away from the door, he suddenly calms down, so I think he’s kinda playing us. So we knew we were dealing with two sick children. Easy enough. There are two of us, so the odds are still even.

But then my wife started getting sick. I, of course, am impervious to all illness and injury, since I got a flu shot. My wife opted not to get a flu shot, something that she is growing tired of hearing about. I, on the other hand, remind her constantly that I am bulletproof. “Go ahead,” I’ll say. “Have a leper breathe on me. I’VE got the flu shot.”

So about 3:00 the other morning, it all came to a head. Allie woke up in her room and began calling for us. She rarely wakes up at night, so we knew that the sickness had come full circle.

When we got her from her room, she felt like she had recently been dipped in molten lava. And she was shivering. Didn’t take a genius to realize she had a fever. As we left her room, Parker decided that he wanted to join the sick parade. As we got back into our room, my wife let me know that it felt like someone had punched her in the chest. “You know,” I said, “I got a...” Her look told me not to proceed with any tales of flu shots.

The next morning we were greeted with the full-blown funk. Two sick kids and one sick wife. I, of course, made the brilliant move of letting my wife know how tired I was because, as I put it, “You try sleeping next to three sick people, coughing and sniffling and wheezing...”

All three of the sickly ones have been to the doctor, so I am hoping that everyone is now on the mend. I am banking on a couple of days of everyone feeling under the weather, which I am sure that I can endure. All kidding aside, I, of course, will do my best to make sure that they have the best care possible, with minimal mentions of my invincibility. I hate to see my family sick, and I really want them all to get better as soon as possible. For one thing, I really need the sleep.