HOME IS WHERE YOU HAVE YOUR SECOND MORTGAGE

My wife and I have committed one of the biggest mistakes that a young couple can.

We thought we had done everything right throughout our marriage, but then we go and do this. We know better now, and we knew better then. But did we listen to common sense? Of course not. Which is why we are now own two houses, rather than the customary one.

It started innocently enough. My wife saw that a house had just been put on the market and suggested we go take a look. We had been half-way looking for houses for several months, but not actually planning on moving for, oh, I don’t know, 20 or so years. We figured we would kick around, looking at houses that we knew weren’t the right fit, and continue to plod along merrily in our current abode.

Then we stumbled across this house. When we drove by, my wife and I looked at each other and said the exact same thing. Unfortunately, I cannot print what it was we said. But you can guess that it was a well placed summation of the fact that a house was now on the market that we really, really liked, and that this presented a problem, what with the current house and all.

We drove by the house a couple of more times, hoping we would see something that stood out and would be a detraction. ("Honey, did you notice the life-size statue of Wilford Brimley on the side of the house?") But alas, nothing. In case you are wondering why we were hoping not to like the house, let me refer you back to the previous paragraph. We already have a house. And the accompanying mortgage.

Despite out better judgment, we decided that we would have to go and see the house. While we did, eventually, want to move, the plan as we had originally laid it out was to first sell our house. We kinda threw the game-plan out the window, however.

We called Pat, our real estate agent from our first house purchase. If ever there is a Patient Realtor of the Year award, I nominate Pat. Pat is the one who endures us (and by us, I mean me) during these house sales. Let’s just say that it’s about as fun to work with me on a house sale as it is to have Edward Scissorhands remove your tonsils. Part of the problem is that I expect real estate agents to be psychic ("Do you think they’d take this bid?" "Do you think anyone else is interested in the house?" "What are the Powerball numbers for next week?") But Pat doesn’t get upset or bothered with my barrage of questions. Maybe she’s got earplugs.

Anywho, Pat met us and showed us the house. When we walked in, my wife and I were both really hoping to see something that turned us off. (Perhaps the Brimley statue was inside.) Unfortunately, the house was exactly what we wanted. A while back, my wife and I had made a list of must-haves in a new home. There were 21 things on the list. This house? All 21.

As we strolled through the house, Pat apparently saw the gleam in our eye that she saw the first time she sold us a house. I call it a gleam. Other people call it "Mike jumping up and down saying, ‘Oooh! I want this house! Can we get it?!?!?! Can we get it?!?!?!’"

She knew that we were smitten and said, "Don’t you hate it when you find one you like?" Pat is as wise as she is patient.

That’s when the real fun began. My wife and I decided that we absolutely had to have this house, and that the mountains would crumble and the seas would dry up if we did not get it. Actually, that may have been my analogy. My wife, I believe, said, "Well, if we don’t get this one, we’ll find another one." And I think we can agree that is no attitude to have when you are making the biggest purchase you will ever make. You have to dive headfirst into these things! It’s all about the commitment. That’s what several people have said. Or perhaps it was about being committed. I can’t remember.

Anyway, once the fun and excitement of the bidding game concluded (or as I affectionately call it Blood Pressure Inflation 2001), a contract was signed and the house was practically ours.

Sure, there was that pesky little matter of the loan, which manages to take a lot longer than it seems like it should. Granted, it took very little of my actual time, because my wife handled all of that stuff. I just paced the floor and asked if the loan had gone through, and of course dodged the occasional well-flung book that was sent towards my head in an attempt to knock me out.

Of course, the loan went through and the closing came and went without a hitch. All of this has me very excited. Lots of questions swirl through my mind. Will this be the home my daughter will always remember as her childhood lair? How many wonderful memories will be shaped within its walls? But, the most important question of all is, of course, does anybody wanna buy a house?