ANNOUNCING MY RETIREMENT FROM FOOTBALL

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Today’s column is a letter I wrote to Daniel Snyder, the owner of the Washington Redskins. As you may know, Deion Sanders recently announced his retirement, which came with a right pretty payout from the Skins. I figured it was time to throw my hat into the ring. I’ll let you know how it turns out.

 Dear Mr. Snyder,

 I read with interest several stories regarding Deion Sanders’ retirement from football, and how, despite having only played one year of a seven-year deal, he will still get about $7 million dollars from the Redskins.

 I would like to offer you the opportunity to pay me for not playing for the Redskins for the next six years as well. As you can see, the similarities between Deion and myself are quite striking:

 

  1. I cannot tackle, nor do I have inclination to even so much as try and stop some enormous person running full speed at me. I don’t like it when my dogs (approximately 50 pounds each) run at me, so you can guess I’d be ducking for cover if Jerome Bettis were barreling towards me.
  2. I will, in all likelihood, not be promoted to the major leagues this year.
  3. Neither of us has ever shared a meal with the late Chester A. Arthur.
  4. We both consume oxygen and exhale carbon dioxide.
  5. We are both fond of fishing, although I have never been arrested for it.
  6. We both have worn Atlanta Falcons and Atlanta Braves jerseys at some point in our lives. (But not at the same time. Well, I assume Deion never wore them at the same time. He is a fashion pioneer, so who knows?)

  

Now, I know what you’re saying. You’re saying, “Hey, Mike – you practically ARE Deion Sanders! Come play for us right now! We’ll bench Champ Bailey immediately. Heck, we’ll make him carry your luggage.” But you’re missing the point, Mr. Snyder. I am so much like Deion that I feel it would be wrong for me to play for this year. I will, instead, accept your buy-out of my services. Still not convinced? Keep in mind these additional facts and how it could adversely affect your team:

 

  1. I am injury prone. I once got three ribs broken in a flag football game. And I got a nasty sprain playing church league softball this year. You don’t want to waste a roster spot with someone who will only end up on the injured reserve after he trips over the Gatorade jug on the way out to the first pre-season game.
  2. One of the neighborhood kids told me that I threw the football too hard the other night during a neighborhood cookout. You’ve invested a lot of money in your receiving corps. The last thing you need is Michael Westbrook out for the year because we were horsing around and I broke his hand with one of my missile-like passes.
  3. I went to the University of Alabama. Clearly, there would be strife between Stephen Davis and myself, making it difficult to keep harmony on the team.
  4. I live in South Carolina and DC would be a heckuva commute.
  5. I will not count against the cap. Buying out my retirement will not hurt you in any of your free agent dealings.

  

So you can see, Mr. Snyder, it would only be to your benefit not to have me on the team. Please accept my early retirement, and let me know the terms of the agreement as soon as possible. I would refer you to an agent, but, alas, Superagent Leigh Steinberg will not return my calls. I can tell you that I will accept a $7 million package, sight unseen. Or, if you think another number would be appropriate, I will certainly entertain that offer. I think we are both in agreement on the major issue: the Washington Redskins do not want Deion Sanders or Mike Gibbons playing for them next year. The only minor detail to work out is the figure for yours truly. I look forward to hearing from you. Of course, if you want to simply send me a check, I’d be happy to cash it, assuming it meets my needs. (I will also take contributions directly to my daughter’s college fund, my IRA, or payments on my Mastercard account. I’m not made of stone.)

 Thank you for hearing me out. I am sure we will come to terms, and I can save you and your organization much headache by not playing for you in the upcoming year and beyond.

 I am, humbly,

 Michael W. Gibbons

 

P.S. I have cc’d this letter to Commissioner Tagliabue, as well as Sports Illustrated, ESPN, and the Sporting News, since my retirement will surely send shockwaves through the sport of football, and I didn’t want to catch them off-guard.

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