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COMMERCIAL SUCCESS

Well, it looks as if the election season is gently descending upon us once again, much the same way a wrecking ball gently descends upon a condemned building.

A few years ago, I offered up my political ad savvy for hire. Yet, for some reason, no one showed up at my door with a wheelbarrow full of gold bricks. And I think I know why: I was too soft. I didn’t go for the throat. I didn’t throw caution to the wind. I didn’t slander. Well, that’s about to change. There’s a new Mike Gibbons in town, and he’s a dirty liar – for you!

Let’s say our good buddy Bob Makenmoney is running for office once again. Once again, he’s trying to unseat that dastardly Russell Whippincracker. Whippincracker has a pretty firm grip on that seat, so we’ve got to start off strong:

CUE PATRIOTIC MUSIC

“Hi, I’m Bob Makenmoney, and I want your vote. You may ask yourself, ‘Why should Bob replace Russell Whippincracker?’ And the reason is simple: Russell hates you. Remember that puppy that ‘ran away’ when you were a kid? It didn’t run away. Russell took him. And ate him. Oh, and remember that time your parents caught you sneaking out of the office? Russell called them and told you. Vote for me. I’m not a puppy eating snitch.”

I tell you what, the poll numbers will show just how wildly successful that first ad will be. But we’re not stopping there, nosiree. We’re going straight to the testimonials:

FADE IN TO WOMAN SITTING IN A CARDBOARD BOX

“Hi. I’m Margaret. I used to have a nice home, a family, and everything that goes with it. But I made the mistake of investing in my company’s 401(k) program. And Russell Whippincracker took that money and spent it on a coat made of kittens. And whiskey. And then, when the company went bankrupt, he flew his solid gold helicopter in to take the executives off to a resort island. And they had my house leveled just before they left. As I was leaving, I heard him shout over the rotors of the plane, ‘I only do this because of my general loathing for the voting public!’ And then he threw a bucket of melted butter on me.”

ANNOUNCER: Unless you want to end up a broken and buttery loser, get rid of Whippincracker. Vote Makenmoney,

Ah, but this is only the second leg in a three-prong assault. For the final blow, we move onto the issues:

ANNOUNCER: Russell Whippincracker likes to talk about what he’s done. Well, we’d like to talk about that, too. He co-authored House Bill 532314-B, which required all teachers to drink on the job. He was a vocal proponent of Bill 87762-X, which would have made Gaelic the official national language. And finally, we have all seen his rabid support for Bill 123128-D, the Fairness in War Act, which called for us to provide half of all of our military efforts to the Taliban in order “to make it even.” Is this the kind of man you want running out country? And do you want our teachers sounding like drunken Scots? I didn’t think so. Vote for Makenmoney.”

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking that we’ve really crossed the line, just making up things. But here’s the beauty of it – nobody will go look up and see if these bills exist! Even if they tried to look it up, they’d go on the internet and forget what they were looking for after about seven seconds. Remember – the voting public has the attention span of a can of stewed tomatoes. Just say something enough to sway them, and they’re happy. Good puppy. Here’s a treat.

This election should be the windfall we’ve been waiting for. I can’t wait for Bob to cruise into office riding high on the real issues. So spread the word to all of your candidate friends out there that Mike Gibbons is for hire. He is ready to go. And ready to lie. For you.