THE GREAT GRILL UPGRADE

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Most men would spend far more time shopping for a grill than they would on other tasks, such as choosing a pediatrician for their child.

Not that the pediatrician choice is not important. It’s just that most men (and by most men, I mean me) trust their wives to make the important decisions involving children. But I would no sooner trust my wife to pick out a grill than I would to pick next season’s pennant winners.

However, I also know that making decisions on my own are bound to get me in trouble, in particular when they involve the purchase of large, unnecessary things. I already have two grills, which most people would probably think is ample. One is a portable one, perfect for camping. And, at the rate my wife and I camp, over the next 10 years, we will have gone camping a grand total of zero times. But you have to be prepared.

My other grill is a gas grill that I bought several years ago. I know a lot of barbecue purists out there think gas grills are an abomination. Well, I’ll tell you what, Charcoal Charlie, you come deal with the mess every time I cook and I will gladly switch over. Oh, and nothing like the taste of burgers marinated in lighter fluid. Yum!

But that grill was getting old, and it was time to upgrade. I decided to head out for the initial shopping on my own. I couldn’t have my wife hovering over me as I did the initial round of cuts. The last thing I needed was a litany of silly questions, such as “Do you really need one that hooks up to a trailer hitch?”

By my estimate, I spent about 11 days going through the initial cut phase. Since I had already invested this amount of time, I decided to move on to the finals and select a grand-prize winner. My grill choice was a nice size grill with ample room, a fair and reasonable price, and a fairly earnest appearance overall. It was the Honda Civic of grills.

Prior to the purchase, I brought my wife up to the store to see the grill. I told her that I was bringing her up to get her opinion on it. I think we both knew we were just going through the motions. She would pretend to care, and I would pretend to care that she cared.

Due to time constraints, I could not buy the grill right then and there. But I knew this solid citizen of a grill would still be there when I came back, so I didn’t feel the panic. However, my wife should have definitely sensed a reason to panic. I had picked out a grill. It was a fine grill. I was sold. And she was going to let me come back by myself? Foolish woman.

Yes, a few days later, I came back to get the Jimmy Carter of grills. As I strode down the grill eye, I casually glanced at a few others. Hmm, I thought. Nice grills. But my selection is perfectly adequate. Ample. It shows stability.

Then I saw one with a bigger grill. Then another with a rotisserie. Then one with interchangeable baskets. Where were all of these grills when I was shopping in Boring Grill Town?!?!?!?!

It was like all of these new grills had been brought out just to mock me and my lackluster choice. Well, if there is one thing I can’t stand it’s to have a cooking appliance mock me. (The stove and I have had many a showdown.) I would show them once and for all who was boss. But first I would look around and make sure that my wife was nowhere in site.

When I cam home, I sheepishly went to confess to my wife. I told her that once I had gotten there, I decided to slightly upgrade. A look of pending disapproval swept over her face. “How bad?” she asked.

“Bad? No, it’s good! Very good!” I said, trying to keep her enthused. And away from sharp objects. I explained to her that the original grill selection was a fine choice indeed, but that it was just a grill. The one sitting disassembled in our garage, however, is a combination grill and smoker and has a removable cast iron griddle so that we can cook breakfast on the grill!

OK, what I think is a brilliant idea is apparently moronic to my wife, who sees no point in cooking eggs outside, when it works quite fine inside, thank you very much. I also pointing out that the grill had two – two!!! – drink holders, another selling point which was lost on her.

She dismissed my folly as typical, and said something to the effect of, “Hey, whatever makes you happy.” To show her how important this grill and all of its accoutrements are, I have been a grilling machine of late. I am cruising through the barnyard list. And I have to say, it is some fine cooking indeed. I think I really made the right decision with this grill. Although I do wonder if I should have gotten the trailer hook up.